Gaslighting

[realitybaths]

In August of 2019, my BPD (and I believe she also is NPD) 47 year old sister and her troubled husband caused perhaps the biggest crisis in my family yet.  After an innocent family outing at a lake where my 13 year old daughter and her cousins were just having the usual fun jumping in the water and horsing around, she accused my daughter of being "sexually inappropriate" with her 15 year old boy cousin, bringing my parents, my wife, and my other sister into this whole thing.  Her husband continually bombed my work email with disconcerting messages and I had leave a class I was teaching because of one of them. I lost time at work and it was a chaotic, awful mess. The whole accusation was a manufactured lie to hurt us and my brother and the fact that they brought my parents in, who were both sexually abused as children, was beyond the pale.  Needless to say, there was massive fallout over this--I called her out on it and my wife basically wrote her off. When my wife tried to talk to her about it, she refused a month later. Of course, as always, the blame usually falls on us or other people for the horrible behavior she exhibits.

Our extended family has completely ruptured over these accusations. In a recent conversation with my Mom about them--she started gas-lighting me about my sister and normalizing her behavior again. She denied ever saying the things she said to me over the phone implying that my daughter would engage in sexual abuse of her cousin if they were together again. This is what my sister, obviously, had imparted to her in the phone conversation right after our trip to the lake. It was a horrible lie about an innocent a fun loving child. This is not the first time, mind you, she has produced manipulative and mean-spirited accusations against my children or my family.

I cannot help seeing my sister and her husband now as broken, evil people. I don't see a way forward. I wondered if anyone else did.

[ScarlettOHara]

I'm not sure what the way forward is.  What I know is that gaslighting is really awful and can drive you crazy.  My family loves to gaslight and completely rewrite history.  I haven't done a full CO of my family, but I edge closer to that all the time.  I want to hope that some of my family is trainable, but really the jury is still out on that. 

Based on what you wrote, your sister would be out of my life if I were you.  I would block her on all fronts and set a clear boundary with your parents that she is not to be brought up in your presence and you don't want her knowing anything about your life.  Then I would wait and see if they could handle that.  If they can, then maybe you can continue to have a relationship with your parents.  If not, then I would probably either cut them off or have an extremely limited relationship with them. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  This stuff sucks. 

[realitybaths]

Yeah, it really sucks. But is far better than the status quo which for me and my family involved, the last two years: fear, abuse and manipulation by my sister and her husband.

What I hate the most about it is that it turns out that my wife and I are the "bad people" for pretty much cutting her off.  She and her husband have also roped my other sister into the dysfunction, and now she won't even talk to me. I grieve for the relationships with nieces and nephews I have lost--aside from them though I don't want anything to do with these people anymore.

I don't know if anyone else has also noticed this but her PD has also made her the world's biggest Covid victim. She hasn't left her house since March, her husband is a public school teacher and of course will die the day he sets foot in his classroom, they have made my parents so fearful they are just cowering in their homes.  She mocks the fact that my wife and I have to work with the public.

It makes me SO mad. All of it.  How does one control the frustration and anger about this ridiculously unfair situation?

[LemonLime]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Reality.

The thing that's sad and the thing that took me a long time to really grock is that when you set a boundary, you will be PUNISHED.   I thought that when I set a boundary I would of course have to deal with the loss of intimacy, and to grieve the lost relationship.

I didn't, for some reason, realize that I would be PUNISHED.  Be made into the Perpetrator.  And that PD would make themselves Victim.

I don't know why I didn't see it coming, but I didn't.   It's infuriating.  It's their last grasp at power.

Power through it, my friend.  Wait it out.  Persevere.
Just wait.  Get support.  And wait some more.

Journal about your feelings so that you can watch them morph.

We are here to support you.  It does get better.

[nanotech]

This is a massive wake up call. Your daughter is a child. Warning bells here for me on all levels.
Don't worry about how you might look to other people. There are other dysfunctional families out there. You will be more understood than you think.
Grieve for the family lost, but be sure that it's their fault, not yours. You get through the grief. You get through the absence from family gatherings. You do.

They will probably try to hoover and love-bomb you back in, once the false indignation dies down and the shaming attempt hasn't worked. Be very careful. I hope they don't.

Remember that PDs often project their own fears, and they recycle  their family history without realising it. 

Shame and guilt will haunt a damaged family down the generations, until the first good person puts a hand up to it, and says no.

(The shame and guilt imposed years ago by the original abusers. This is just what I think might be happening.)

You are that first person. That's your boundary. That's you.
They punish because they don't know any better than to continue the cycle. The problem is, they require a scapegoat for that.
So whether you return or not, I'm thinking that you'll be the scapegoat. So best to keep you and yours safe and sound.

I think they want to manage the family 'shame', by somehow dumping it all on you and yours.
They need to face it for real.
Keep away and keep your daughter away from them. That's my view.