My NC Resolve Is Feeling Slippery

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm feeling a little slippery around NC.  I've been doing fine, getting stronger and de-FOGGED.   Then I found out yesterday that my PDex will be contacted and fined by the state about a legal matter which involves me.  Nothing I initiated or can do anything about - it's fully his wrongdoing.   

I'm afraid he'll try to contact me,  and that I'll be tempted to respond to him after 10 mos NC.  I've been doing a pretty good job of picking up the pieces of my life & attending to my needs.  But I still miss him.

In the "good" part of our cycle, there was always deep love and openness and closeness . . . right up to our last months together.  So why did I leave?  Because the price I paid for those wonderful times was the other part of the cycle, the inevitable slide into a hateful Mr. Hyde.  Controlling, bullying, scapegoating, raging.   

I couldn't justify doing that to myself anymore when there was no reason to hope it would change.  Better to live alone, slowly building another life that may feel like something's missing, but at least won't be unhealthy.  And hopefully someday, some year, I'll be over him.  But I don't think that will ever happen unless I stay NC.

It's hard for me to write this, to admit it.  It feels shameful. Most people I know would never understand.   I myself wonder "What's wrong with me that I can't just be angry about it all and 'DONE'?"   

Well, I feel what I feel and I am where I am.  And it's okay to be me, right here.  That's what I never got all my life . . . and I have to give it to myself.

[blunk]

Lookin 2 B Free, I see a lot of self-reflection and honesty in what you have written here. It's good that you recognize what you need, and are willing to give it to yourself. You seem to realize that NC is what is healthiest for you and your well being, but it is still normal to miss the good times.

My concern for you right now, is that if he does reach out, it may be to blame you for this legal situation. Believe me, I get that you are in no way at fault, but that may not be how the pd sees it. Please, if you do choose to speak to him, be careful.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, Blunk.    Yes, I'll be surprised if he doesn't blame me or even try to bully me into paying it for him . . . as crazy as that would be   (since I tried everything I could to have him do things legally - which would have been both easy and virtually no-cost).

I found out he'll be charged a lot less if he drives the several hours back here to fix it in person.  It makes me kind of nervous to think of him being so close, maybe coming to my house. 

I guess since he has nothing to lose anymore he could be pretty intimidating.  The last I heard he blames me for everything wrong in his life.   If he stands pounding on my door, yelling for me to open it,  I could just hide inside and not answer it.  I have changed all the locks.

Obviously I can call the police if he harasses me.  But I'm not sure pissing him off like that would be worth it.  I'm not sure how far he would go to get back at me for doing that.

Something's wrong with me, because if he reached out to me remorseful and all, I'd want like crazy to start up contact with him again.  Why?  Is it because he's like my father?  Except, unlike my father, he can sometimes love me?  How many decades of treatment & T will it take for me to unhook? Or will I take this to my grave?

He should be notified about the matter next week sometime.  Even though I've blocked him, he'll reach me if he wants to I'm sure.  Then again, maybe I won't hear from him at all.

Funny, his last piece of communication to me was a poem he wrote about how I would try to forget him but won't be able; that he would haunt me forever.