No more living like a fugitive

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,
I've posted lately about how my mother found my (last) home when my friend (who I've decided to get distance from) rang her without me knowing and gave her my address. She burst into my room while I was sleeping and grabbed my leg. To add to the crazy making she claimed she had come there to 'help me move'. I'd said I didn't need help. Then she sent me some savage text messages and then gave me the silent treatment for a month.

Anyway, I was thoroughly distressed and rattled. It was slightly over a month ago and my nervous system has just calmed down.

My mother has a long history of barging into my room and hunting me down at various places I've lived and inviting herself in. It's an absolutely horrible feeling.

It makes me feel so powerless, so helpless.

She acts like it's her right to come over, and normal. I have asked her to stop doing this countless times and she ignores it all. I think she gets some kind of strange gratification/power out of it. I think it's about control.

I still feel sad and guilty about not telling her where I live.

As a child, I would occasionally (if I felt brave enough) put furniture across the door, so she couldn't get in. I remember her violently kicking the door and it shuddering, and her screaming 'open this door'! She stormed off. My excuse was I was 'moving the furniture'.

Once I was sad and sobbing my bed, and she wouldn't give me privacy even then. She just insanely sat on the end of my bed watching me cry while I begged her to leave me alone and please get out of my room. Sometimes she would just repeatedly open my door every time I would close it and try to get to sleep. It was (and is) utterly relentless.

She would barge in, destroy belongings. Once I just gave up trying to ask her to leave and walked out of the house. That's the one defence mechanism that worked, and I've been fleeing ever since.

Its such a sore point I don't even really like it when someone speaks to me through my door, or knocks. It's terrible, I don't say anything, but it's just even tiny intrusions bring it back.

I realise her total lack of respect for my wishes, personal boundaries and personal space is why I've never settled roots down anywhere. I've always moved around. She might find me but I could always move on.

Anyway, I'm sick of living like a fugitive. I'm tired of moving about from place to place. I want my own space, my own home.

I've saved a deposit, and I have a full time job. I'm not going to tell anyone my address unless I KNOW it won't get passed on.

It makes me sad it has to be like this. I wish I had family that respected my boundaries, but I don't.

And I'm not going to let that stop me from achieving my dream of having my own home.

[Penny Lane]

Hooray! That is an amazing accomplishment and I hope it is sort of healing to have what is literally your own space.

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty about not sharing your address. Her behavior is so incredibly bizarre and terrifying and you are smart to protect yourself from it! Getting past the FOG is easier said than done, of course.

But the sadness ... I get it! You deserved to have a mom who did not abuse you in this way. I am sad for Kid JollyJazz for having to endure that, and for Adult JollyJazz for still having to worry about it.

I hope that your own home is a place of peace, and no one ever again comes into your house unless they are invited to be there!

A small practical tip - I would consider getting a security camera. Both because it is a relatively inexpensive way for you to get peace of mind, and because it might act as a deterrent to her (especially if you call the police on her once or twice). We reluctantly got one because my DH's NPDexW just would not stop driving by our house and parking outside, and she would often park in the driveway and cause a scene. I was kind of doubtful that it would do anything, but it kind of worked like magic. Since we got the camera (and made it really clear to the kids that it was there, assuming they'd tell it to their mom) she has not once parked outside when she wasn't supposed to be there. It has also made me FEEL much safer (even though I'm not sure how much safer we really are with it, that feeling makes a difference!) and we actually got a second camera to cover another part of the house as well.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Penny lane,

Thank you for encouragement and the tip about a camera!

I'm sorry you have had to deal with intrusive behavior too. It is so common on these boards! It seems to really just be about power and control. Us having our own personal space and privacy is threatening to them, and their feeling of power / control is more important to them that our feelings! Ugh.

[Stillirise]

JollyJazz,
It takes great strength to decide to take your power back! Nice work!

I just wanted to second the camera idea, and let you know it doesn't have to be expensive. I have a $40 one, that sits openly on a window sill, pointing at my driveway. It has an app that alerts me whenever there's motion, and I can view it remotely any time.  It has cut down considerably on my stbxUPDh dropping by unannounced.

I have a long driveway, so I also installed a $30 driveway alarm, that he doesn't know about yet. If something passes in front of it, there's a chime inside the house. It gives me about 30 extra seconds to look, and prepare for what's coming.

I thought I might feel paranoid about the extra layers of security, but it seems to make me feel less anxious, overall.  Best wishes to you!

[Penny Lane]

I agree, it's totally about control. They don't actually want to be there - they just want you to be terrified that they can show up at any point. And it works! It's very hard to reclaim your own peace of mind, but it's possible.

[JollyJazz]

Yes, I think it is about that - control. Making me feel like I can never be away from her. Never have my own space, even my own right to my body...
That's why she resists the idea of me saying 'no' and having boundaries so hard...
Uggh, so incredibly selfish!!!

I like the camera idea! Thank you for the support and encouragement!!! I'll get there

[1footouttadefog]

Consider getting a restemraining order if she tresspasses again.

[JollyJazz]

Hi 1footoutofthefog,

Yes I certainly have considered that. I think I'd start with a trespass order.
I am utterly sick of this form of harassment from her.