Am I Having a Nervous Breakdown

[Hepatica]

The last time I had contact with my uNPD father was August. It was a very uncomfortable interaction of him showing up uninvited and I was caught outside in my garden, so no time to go inside and lock the door. He was agitated immensely about family issues around the family cottage and luckily I had my husband with me, so we sat quietly and let him rant. But at one point he did this thing, where he turned, swept his eyes over me in a contemptuous manner, dead eyes really, and said, "Hepatica, you need to go see your shrink.." ... something along those lines.

It was the first time I have ever stood up. I told him to get out and walked into the house. Since then we've put a lock on our outside gate. So he cannot get into our yard to enter the area where the front door is.

But it's almost as if his words put sinister seeds into my head. I am fighting them as hard as I can but the seeds of self-doubt keep growing and I feel weakened. Nearly all of my family are gone from my life and I know the feelings toward me must be at best confused and worst they all think I'm crazy and even cruel. Maybe I am? I can't fight it today. Maybe they're right.

Living in this small city with all of this silent stress and this feeling of the extended FOO all despising me for being selfish, then the worry I will be judged when I attend my parent's funeral and someone will say I killed my parents bc of the stress I caused them, or something horrible like that, bc two of my aunts are capable of saying something like that and have before when my Mom was in hospital and I set a boundary - those words entering my head is too frightening for me when I feel weakened. I can't take it anymore. I woke at 5 am with this feeling like I had to get into my car and run away - get as far as possible - even leave my husband, bc he is not able to leave this city with me bc of his job. I can't take the FOG anymore. I can't take what might be C-PTSD. I am not bolstered by anything.

I am doubting myself so bad that I am in despair and I don't know what to do. Covid is making this feeling of alienation even worse and perhaps the incoming holiday season is already settling in on this fragile, uncertain state I am in, but I keep thinking that I am the one at fault here. I've caused all the problems. I am a terrible person. I just can't accept my parents as they are. I am hurting everybody. If I just stop being so stubborn and learn to manage my expectations about my imperfect family then I can end this pain. But my stubbornness will not let me go there. And I don't have a cheerleading team in real life to help me move through this. I feel so terribly alone and today is one of the hardest days I've had in a long time.

[blacksheep7]

 

So sorry that you are feeling this way.  Yes it is difficult with no Foo, our reason for living, sharing and feeling alive.  
You are not good enough?  To who?  Your parents.   You are Not at Fault.

You are a  very smart senisible person from what I have read.

Remember the last post you wrote about feeling better away from them.   Your NF  probably triggered  you in his last statement.   They hurt you and you are reacting which is normal and at the same time it is telling you that something is wrong.   You do not have to accept them as they are.  You are an Adult!

You have the power and that is what he doesn't like, it scares him.    Don't think so far ahead, one day at a time, it's like the weather...we can not predict it.

I know that in my healing I would move five steps forward and then other days I would go back two. 

We are your cheerleaders.

[blacksheep7]

I just read something on this matter which I would like to pass on,

Emotional  Desperation is the feeling that follows from Low Relational Value Moments.

That is, being devalued, abandoned or rejected by important others.

[Hepatica]

Thank you blacksheep7,

I have reached out to my therapist, who is trauma focussed and hope to see her with Covid precautions in place soon.

It dawned on me after watching a video on this process of healing from NPD relationships (mine parental) that I am grieving. I am grieving immensely at the moment and being in my own head, with Covid isolation, makes it pretty overwhelming.

I also had thoughts around the step I have taken in putting a lock on the gate to my garden and entrance door. There is something final about this that speaks without speaking that I am fully no contact now. I honestly think I am scared. My uNPD father was a terrifying parent and I feel so afraid of him now that he has no power to enter my private space. I don't think he'll physically harm me, but I am scared that he will use his sisters to psychologically terrorize me and I feel very outnumbered by them and the rest of the disordered family system. It fits with this intense feeling I have to run. I am scared of them.

Going to see therapist will help me and your kind words really helped me this AM. I am so grateful for this forum.

[Andeza]

So glad you're going to talk to your therapist, and I hope they will have all the right words, and that you will be able to take much comfort from this visit. Sending ALL the healing vibes!

Your home, and your garden, are your places of refuge and safety in a world that even at the best of times can be full of frenetic or chaotic energy. All you have done by preventing the entry of negativity (the disordered members of your family) is secure its place as a refuge. Which, this is your right. Perhaps consider planting a special plant or tree in the garden, something that bears fruit and gives of itself and its life, to commemorate this step in your journey. Scientific studies have shown that as little as twenty minutes a day spent tending the earth is enough to lower our stress levels. Something about microbes that are released into the air and that are good for our cortisol levels... Heard about that one second hand so don't have a source, but can testify to the peace that planting, digging, weeding, harvesting, and watering brings.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Hepatica,

A few thoughts, in no particular order. You mentioned that the last time you talked to your father was in August. That's really not that long ago. When I finally dropped the rope with PD M, I too felt like I was having a nervous breakdown for quite some time. I think what you are describing here: I woke at 5 am with this feeling like I had to get into my car and run away Is you are stuck in fight or flight mode. When you were a kid you experienced this a lot and probably the only way to make it stop was to appease your father. Now, you've finally stood up to him by putting up boundaries (literally!) and that primitive part of your brain is probably stuck in 'something ambiguously terrible is going to happen next!' gear. It's an irrational fear that isn't really grounded in specifics, so the rational part of your brain is trying to look for a reason: then the worry I will be judged when I attend my parent's funeral and someone will say I killed my parents bc of the stress I caused them, or something horrible like that (two things that haven't happened yet)

The other thing you're wrestling with is cognitive dissonance. The they're the problem/you're the problem argument raging in your brain is exhausting and seemingly endless, but it can't hold two conflicting thoughts at the same time...one of them has to go. (Spoiler alert: the people who actually are the problem never actually question whether its them or not, they just spew blame at everybody else.)

I think the first step to feeling less breakdowny is to realize you aren't losing your mind, you're having a normal stress reaction to an abnormal situation. Talking to your T is also a very good idea. Have you read, C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving? I would actually recommend listening to that one, as his voice is very calming. Even if you've read it, might be a good time to re-read it. Btw, I think the covid situation is amplifying everyone's anxiety because its created an environment where everybody is stuck in the same place with loads of time to sit around and ruminate.

You are not losing your $#@% and you aren't the problem! This is a very scary time for you but you're taking the steps you need to live a healthier life.

[GettingOOTF]

I have thought the same thing myself.

I wasn't having a nervous breakdown, I was just under huge amounts of stress. I felt like my head was going to explode, my chest was always heavy and I couldn't think straight. It was a natural reaction to the stresses I was under at the time.

Do not doubt yourself. It's normal and acceptable to not know what to do or how to move forward. Things will become clear when you have more space to focus on yourself rather than external stresses.

It helps me to write things down and then tackle them one at a time.

You will get through this and you will make the right choices for you.

[Hepatica]

Andeza, thank you. Yes, my garden and my home are all I have right now, and they truly are peaceful places for me. I love gardening and that is why it has been very stressful not knowing if my father may turn up at any time. Covid has not slowed down this 82 year old. He drops in on everyone uninvited with no mask. After the visit in August he showed up again in the first week of October. I had just ran inside due to the weather flaring up and big rain cloud moving in. After a minute or so inside I saw him entering my garden and up the steps to my front door. I raced to the door to lock it and his freaking hand was on the door handle. He walks right in if we don't lock as if its his house. This is why we finally put a lock on our outside gate, so he can't get as far as the front door. He has never ever ever respected boundaries. It makes me furious but I am still so afraid of him that I can't have it out with him.

Psuedonym Your insight feels right. It does feel like fight or flight mode. I think revisiting From Surviving to Thriving is worth a try. Have you read The Body Keeps Score? I have not and I am thinking this might be my next read. I am pretty certain I am having very old flashbacks. I hope this all settles down with time. Thank you for saying you felt similarly in the early days of no contact. I hope that one day I am feeling more secure in my belief in my choices and the fear begins to resolve.

GettingOOTF I'm sorry you've gone through this as well. It is highly stressful and not an easy decision to make. I avoided it for as long as I could but I know it is the right decision now. But that don't make it easy. I have been writing quite a lot but I do hope to stop ruminating at some point begin a life beyond this almost suffocating feeling I have right now - so I can get more joy into my life. Covid is not making this part of the process easier.

[Psuedonym]

Hepatica,

I have the Body Keeps the Score on my bookshelf but haven't read it yet (it was recommended by my neuro psychologist friend). We could have book club and read it together!

Yikes if he showed up in Oct. and tried to walk in your house, no wonder you're in fight or flight mode. Don't beat yourself up for being afraid to have it out with him. I'm sure the logical part of your brain knows that having it out with him will be about as productive as yelling at your toaster. Actually yelling at the toaster would be more productive, at least it wouldn't yell back and then pretend to be the victim.

[Hepatica]

Psuedonym.... You have succeeded in making me laugh out loud on a day where just breathing is depressing. Yes, you are absolutely right, yelling at a toaster would be more productive.

I am going to get that book and I'll let you know when I do.

I've eaten about thirty-seven small sized kit kats and coffee crisps and watched about fourteen Dr. Ramani videos.      I hope when I get through all of this stress and pain I can offer light to others on this healing journey.

I am sort of beginning to wonder if my father is beyond NPD and into the psychopathic realm. I get such a creepy feeling that he enjoys how upset I get and has a long-term plan for vengeance. The fear I feel on days like today is unusual. Going to therapist this week and begin some good work on this.

[JollyJazz]

Hepatica-,

Just sending a big hug 🤗 you have nothing to feel bad about or ashamed of. I hear you. Good on you for your self care, and it's totally fine to have treats / do whatever you need to take care of yourself ☺️ xx

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, I so relate to this! You’ve gotten a great handle on this. This is an emotional flashback supreme. I was the same way when going NC. I would act as though I were a fugitive looking out for the cops to come find me in my hideout. Seriously I would peer out my kitchen window and panic if a car the same color as his came by. When I drove home I wondered if I would see my dad’s car in the drive waiting for me. I made sure I knew how to get to the police station if I were out and he were to follow me. I had my DH change all the locks. I played out scenarios in my head of what I would do if he came when the kids were outside.

It is a normal response!!!

My dad is psychopathic as well. He is so disconnected from reality as to deny there is any such thing as reality, and that his perception only is what makes things true or false. I have been in physical danger from his irrational rages many times over the course of my life. Absolutely the only way to make it through a childhood like that is learn to appease and avoid the beast as best you can. Now we have directly antagonized our fathers. Which feels much like poking a grizzly bear with a stick. I know for a fact he is capable of plotting for revenge, even doing harm to my young children if it would get to me.

You will learn that you have the power. But you are fighting the hardest battle now. Once you get through this I am confident you will be free for good. Not that you will never feel this way ever, but probably not so intense. You have done the worst thing, and you’re still alive. And even better for it.

[Free2Bme]

Hepatica~
 
Your reactions seem perfectly normal to me considering the given history.  I felt the same way for a very long time after my divorce.  I now lock the gate to my property.  I felt VVV nervous the day updxh came to pick up kids after I had put up several "No Trespassing" signs , I was so afraid of his reaction (how dare I). 

The disordered person wants to be the biggest, loudest voice in our head, commanding fear and intimidation.  IME, Non's are aware that the disordered person don't have normal restraints, particularly if they are on the ASPD/psychopath part of spectrum (my exH).  I have felt as if I was losing my marbles, paranoid and reactive.

Building in some boundaries with your F will bring some relief. 
Time and distance will help bring down the fight/flight response.   
Don't give your F any payoff for what he is doing.  If you become very boring, he will likely move on to someone else he can get a reaction from. 
Work with your T and husband towards having a plan, the worst thing is to be stuck in limbo-land , "is it me/them, how will others view/treat me if I go NC".   
Writing things down really helps me to sort out my brain.
If you can, try to make opportunities to connect with friends to break up the isolation and have a change of scenery. 

Be kind to yourself Hepatica, it will get better.

[Free2Bme]

... I like Pseudonyms' idea about the book club , if anyone's is interested.

  i just began reading "The Body Keeps the Score". 

[Hepatica]

Thank you again to all of you. Thank you Jollyjazz for your kind words.

Thank you Call Me Cordelia. And I so relate to you. I have been so jumpy since the last time he showed up that I run to door to check all around the house peeking out to see if he's there. Once he see's that lock, he's going to lose it. He's going to know. And it freaks me out. When I was a little girl I was angry with him over something he said to me at the dinner table and I left the house and stayed in the back field for hours. When i returned home he hit me in the head so hard that my head hit the wall. I suspect my emotional flashback yesterday was related to this memory. Leaving is not allowed. He still thinks I am an object he owns no matter how he treats me. He didn't think of me as a child with feelings and he doesn't think of me as an adult with feelings and agency. But I do have the power now. You're so right about antagonizing the father - the disordered father. Terrifying. I feel so much anger about that today. And I'm sorry you have gone through this as well.

Free2Bme Thank you as well.
I'm so sorry you've gone through something similar. I am afraid from past history about my father's potential for having no restraint. I can read his face so well that I will see a micro-expression and feel sick with fear. That's why when I tried to visit my parents following my mother's recovery after being in hospital I would leave their house experiencing flashbacks. I didn't know what they were but I'd be in bed for a day or two following a tiny look by my father. All I wanted was to never be near either of them again. I cower around them the same way I did as a small girl and it's boggling to me as i am now pretty much taller than them.

Thank you for the wise words about having a plan and writing things down.

Off to see my trauma therapist tomorrow.

Thank you to all of you and your responses. I don't know how I would have made it through yesterday without you. I am going to try to get that book ASAP.

[nanotech]

I'm late to the party but sending you my heartfelt hugs.
He has no power over you, and certainly no legal or moral right to barge into your home or your garden.
I understand about being able to read their micro expressions.
Lately when I've seen my dad and he's attempted to be critical with his face, I've chosen not to respond in my heart to it.
I've  'ghosted' it.
This can take a few tries, but it does work.  I think the key for me was when I stopped caring what he thought of me. I stopped worrying about what he might say or what my siblings might say about me.
I just thought, 'So what?'
I guided myself toward the realisation that the way my dad moved his facial muscles or altered his tone- was just not going to have an effect on me. Anymore.
I would picture him turning or frowning or the eye roll and the snide laugh of disdain- and then I'd see myself carelessly shrugging 🤷‍♀️ 🤪and not responding to these non verbal cues.
Take care. Your home is your castle. A gate lock really isn't anything for any normal person, related or not, to get angry about. It isn't HIS home.

[Hepatica]

Thanks nanotech for the heartfelt hug.

I wish I had been able to get to the place you are at regarding not responding and ghosting the looks and criticisms and general insensitivity esp. on my mother's part. She cannot stop herself from calling me fat as soon as I walk into the room. (I'm no contact now.) My father has this sort of weird effect on me - like he is examining me like a cruel scientist and knows exactly where my most fragile parts are and uses them against me. Plus just being near him puts me in survival mode. I can't find the way to ghost it. I am instantly anxious on site of him.

Going to T today and this will be discussed.

Thanks for your kind words. Gives me food for thought.

[Psuedonym]

I think I've said this before but it makes me so angry Hepaitca when I read that your mother feels entitled to call you fat whenever she sees you and thinks you just have to take it . Imagine if ANYBODY else did that, the conversation would go something like:

ANYBODY: OMG you've gotten fat.
YOU: Well %$@# you, too, you $#@%$. Why don't you take your rude, no manners having, low class ass and $#%@ right off.

...and then you would never speak to that person again and everyone who overheard it would shun them as a bully and a jerk. Sheesh.

[guitarman]

Hepatica I am so sorry to hear about all the pain that you are in. You need to be kind to yourself. Only you know about all the abuse that you have had to experience. As targets of abuse for years we have had to endure situations that other people don't understand, unless they've had a similar experience themselves.

You are not going crazy. What you have posted about makes complete sense to me. You are trying to live a different way of life and being assertive by setting boundaries to protect yourself from any further harm. I know how difficult that can be.

I talk to myself and say that what I am doing by going no contact is what is best for me, not my abuser. I am putting my own needs first, which I'm not used to doing. I fear the consequences and retribution but that is because of what I am so used to.

Abusers are all about power and control. When their targets of abuse behave differently and become assertive and set boundaries they don't like it. They try other tactics to push all your buttons to get the reaction they crave. You are no longer feeding their narcissistic supply which they don't like. The best thing to do to a narcissist is to stay calm, not react and ignore them, they would hate that.

As targets of abuse we can get conditioned to behave in certain ways over years, even decades, of abuse. Behaving differently can become upsetting for ourselves because we are not used to it. Then we doubt ourselves for behaving in ways other people would consider to be quite appropriate.

I have not contacted my uBPD/NPD sister for a year and she still lives in my head all the time taunting and abusing me. I have even been starting to question my own behaviour and thinking that I maybe abusing her by not contacting her, which is absurd. What I am doing is protecting myself from any further abuse. I do not have to keep putting my hand in the fire to get it burned over and over again.

The counsellor and author Kris Godinez on YouTube talks about "intermittent periods of positive rewards" where the abuser is calm, loving and kind. The target of abuse craves those times because that is when our feel good hormones are released and we feel so good and relieved. The target of abuse can become addicted to the feel good hormones and the abuser can be like a drug dealer taking them away at any time by being abusive. So we can forgive any abusive behaviour in order to have the feel good hormones back again. Kris Godinez explains it much better than I can but it all made sense to me when I first heard her talk about it. I never realised that my abuser was my drug pusher and I was addicted!

You've done well to set firm boundaries and to put a lock on the gate. Well done. I fear cutting the grass in the unfenced front garden in case my sister suddenly appears to torment me. I live with anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance all the time. I am fed up living in fear all my life.

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can.

[nanotech]

Thanks nanotech for the heartfelt hug.

I wish I had been able to get to the place you are at regarding not responding and ghosting the looks and criticisms and general insensitivity esp. on my mother's part. She cannot stop herself from calling me fat as soon as I walk into the room. (I'm no contact now.) My father has this sort of weird effect on me - like he is examining me like a cruel scientist and knows exactly where my most fragile parts are and uses them against me. Plus just being near him puts me in survival mode. I can't find the way to ghost it. I am instantly anxious on site of him.

Going to T today and this will be discussed.

Thanks for your kind words. Gives me food for thought.

I know, it's not easy. I think it's harder for you. My family are so covert that I've been able to turn that to my advantage.
They are less shouty, more sly.
I got called fat too- a fat lesbian in fact. ( I had a brand new short haircut is all).
But the insult was dressed up to look as if my sister was insulting herself. 
She looked me up and down and said, 'You look really good Nano. I couldn't wear that  hair with those  clothes because I'd just look like a fat lesbian.'
This is what they do. All the time. Or did.

The last time they saw me, I'd lost weight. It wasn't in response to them- just a result of doing some yoga.
Guess what my sister wanted to talk  about with me then? Extreme diets and eating disorders. 
This is what they do.
Weight should not be up for discussion.

Years back I was talking to my mum when she suddenly interrupted me to say, 'nano you really must lose some of that weight off your legs!'
I was so surprised and hurt! UnBPDMum used to go on about my weight a lot.
I'm glad you have a therapist and I hope your session went well. Xx