histrionic spouse and I'm exhausted

[desertpine]

I was recently talking with a friend about PD's in families and we talked about the similarities and differences with NPD, BPD and HPD. I never really gave much thought to HPD but there was a lightbulb moment when I realized my spouse has a lot of the traits. For years I've thought he had undiagnosed ADHD - the short attention span, impulsive behavior, constant moving or making noise. But he also has to be the center of attention and loves to draw attention to himself,  refers to people he just met as 'close friends', and enjoys drama.  It's been exhausting.  He seems compassionate and sympathetic, but it feels empty - it doesn't feel like empathy. It feels like the only reason he listens to me talk is to wait for his turn. Conversations quickly become about him even though over the years, I've told him many times that things aren't about him and I need him to show interest and support with my lived experience. He shuts down - says he doesn't know how to do that or he gets annoyed, saying I'm judging him or something.  Occasionally, things will sink in and he'll seem to really listen but that is so rare. If he is especially dramatic, impulsive and erratic, then I leave the room.  Then he'll call a friend who will entertain his theatrics. Just wondering about others who are married to folks who seem to have HPD - what their experiences are like and how to they cope with the fatigue.

[tragedy or hope]

yep, yep, yep. IMO the personality disorders ooze into each other. I have lived with this for years. All of the above. Occasionally it seems he really listens. This is part of keeping me on a string or in his radar. I am coming to this site daily and trying to share as much as possible. I read other stories. It gives me confidence in my own thinking and clarity about the kinds of things you have just shared.

They do the best they can on any given day. Their relationship skill set is not what we can depend on. Always... it is about and for them. Just keep observing, it will be there. Maybe not so obvious,  but you will begin to understand it when you look for it. it is always there. They have no other way of living.

[Cascade]

I have arranged my schedule so that I away from home for several hours on the weekend, and that has helped me cope with weekends better. I've often found weekends the most tiring with my PDH.

[desertpine]

I do the same, Cascade, I often avoid being home because it's too much sometimes. I especially dislike being in the car together and try to avoid that as much as possible.  In that way, Covid has helped because there aren't so many places to go to for meals or entertainment.

[tommom]

Yes, desertpine -and everyone else! My H (and my mother) are (and were) the same. It is very exhausting!

I also avoid situations where I am trapped with him (like Cascade's in the car alone). The worst thing he does in the car, though, is when I am quiet, he starts to ask "what are you thinking?" Sheesh! I have a prepared..."Oh, I'm just watching the scenery go by." That seems to keep him quiet for a few minutes...or (much worse) he will start observing (out loud, of course) what is 'going by" too. Like I've suddenly been struck blind....

I have been married for 47 years to him. One thing I have learned is that I can speak the truth at times. I have told him any number of times, "Don't turn things around and make them about you. That's obnoxious." He will always, always seem surprised by that! It doesn't seem to stop that behavior but for a few minutes, but what a wonderful few minutes! I will say that if he gets petulant, etc, I can say: "I'm only saying that because that behavior might make people not like you" (Oh boy does THAT get his attention!) or something like that. I am "helping" and he has a victim mindset...he often treats me like his mother.  So that or something like it works.

At the moment, I am not driving. (hernia surgery) so I am pretty much stuck 24/7. He is retired, but he now has a "retirement job" and goes to work, a few hours a night. He complains that he doesn't make much money (he doesn't) but it is so wonderful to be able to do things without his constant talking and carrying on.

Last thing...if you haven't read "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline/ Narcissist" by Majoles Fjalstaad (I may have spelled her name wrong), well, it really helped me.

Good Luck!

[tragedy or hope]

tommom,
thanks! will check out the book. LOL, "observing out loud;"  ditto!

[SparkStillLit]

Sometimes you guys crack me up so bad with how you put things! I mean, they aren't funny at all, but the way you all say stuff or lay out your stories or whatever. We all live through and share this same stuff, and sometimes I just  laugh out loud, like WI used to really crack me up (she is very much missed, I hope she's having fun up there), and you guys do it too "observing out loud" and whatever.
It's so good to share our experiences here where we understand each other.