What happens when you are ill ?

[Sheppane]

Hi everyone
Curious about this one. Was unwell this week with a combination of virus infection  and fatigue. uCovNMom was extremely worried all of a sudden. I told her I was fine and nothing serious. She challenged me on working too hard in my company,  which may be true , but I reassures her and said " honestly mom I'm just tired with a viral infection I'll be fine". She told me in a kindly manner she wished she could help/ mind my kids/ give me a break etc. I was quizzed about exactly what was wrong - specific symptoms were required  . Felt like I was on the defensive. 

When I told her really I'm fine, minor thing, her concern rose  " now I'm really worried " aswell as " what are you going to do about it ". At this stage I was losing patience.  It felt much more intense than how I would experience the same interchange with a friend. I'd almost say I regretted saying anything as now I was dealing with a combo of Spanish inquisition/ weird excessive empathy/ and confusion/ irritation and possibly guilt on my part. 

I messaged another family member today  ( who never initiates contact) to say hello , and in return got " sorry you feel so unwell/ am very worried about you / you will need to find another job/ that job is exhausting you/ you will need to do something about it / find alternative " paraphrasing but along those lines. 

My discomfort lies in the fact that no one in my FOO spontaneously reaches out / contacts me . I am used to stuffing my feelings so on this occasion when mildly ill, I chose to say so. Now, suddenly I have the weight of everyone's dramatic concern about my health/ my job etc etc ....even though no one shows an ounce of regard for my feelings/ health in general ...and never contacts me anyway! Unless I contact I do not hear.

So I have this weird mix of being put on the defensive about what's wrong, having to exp lain myself , listen to how " worried " everyone is , and receive unasked for advice about how I should change job / I work too hard etc.

Feels like the message is : it's my fault from overworking,   am I " really " sick ( why all the questions), and mostly look how worried you have made us all.

Seems like an enormous response to a small comment but I feel thrown from the level of reaction/ concern ...and also mistrust it ...

Thoughts welcome !

[Andeza]

It got to a point with my uBPDm that I stopped telling her I was sick. Ever. Because she would immediately exclaim she knew I was sick. Um... how exactly? She lived more than half way across the country from me and somehow magically knew I was sick, but not until after I mentioned it? And then she would proceed to interrogate me on what I was doing about it as well.

I suspect that this is a combination of factors at work within the pd mind. The need for enmeshment, knowing every tiny detail of our lives. The need for drama as a form of supply, promptly hopping on the phone train and telling EVERYbody what's up. That also makes them feel special and powerful as the bearer of news/gossip. The need to blame us for every little thing that goes wrong in our lives. Somehow it must be our fault. The need to make us feel guilty, because surely it is our fault and that way we will learn from our mistake. Also possibly lovebombing. If your M feels like you are individuating, this may be her tactic to hoover you back into the fold by making you see just how much she cares. 

I got into the "Everything is fine," pattern. "How are you feeling?" "Fine." "How is your husband?" "Fine." Etc. Ad infinitum. I even gave her the "fine" line for the entirety of my pregnancy and she tried to scold me for not sharing because she's my MMMOOOtttttheRRRR! 

I found the information diet did wonders for my sanity as she didn't have any current events to question me about. "Fine" is hard to cast judgement on after all.

[Sheppane]

Thank you Andeza you are so right yes it is guilty making behaviour and also hoovering tactic- the level of concern feels excessive , definitely feels like a hoover, i hadnt seen it like that . It is so hard to understand  these patterns sometimes. I knew it felt off but I could not work out why. And it's almost gaslighting too - as in I was told repeatedly how worried they are to hear I was ill . " Now Im so worried". So ..I'm ill,  I say I'm ill and then suddenly I'm in a conversation needing to reassure/ tell others not to worry about me to the point of playing things down at my end " it's not that bad..actually I'm almost better ( not true)  just to soothe their worry and take the heat out of the whole thing  .   Then I feel guilty for what I've " done" as I'm told " I'm so worried about you now ". So I have wronged them and suddenly they are the victim ?! May be I am over calling it but it looks very narcissistic when I see it like that. Plus I'm told I "need" to resign and change company as it is having an effect on my health and apparently that's the source of the problem. In other words its really my fault for either working too hard , or working for the " wrong  " company and in some way I am in the wrong/ bringing this on myself. Does that make sense? None of this is communicated in a rageful way , so its a bit hard to see..

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Sheppane.  It does seem like an information mission.

If I insist "I'm fine, all is fine, I'm OK," it's not believed and an information mission is now typically launched by one or more FOO. Or, I'm pressed to finally talk while receiving a light peppering of passive aggressive/veiled opinions.

If I actually let my guard down and show vulnerability willingly, it tends to be dismissed/explained away/ignored, or compared to another FOO's dilemma/pain and thus minimized. Or I'm told "just get over it you're tough you make it through everything."

Or, they're "supportive" and it's purely great information for all of them. Tons for them to talk about when I'm not around!

Until (like Andeza) you don't give them any exciting news about what's going on with you, after being shamed into silence about your problems and having them minimized, while you're brushing away their insistences on hearing how you are doing. Until you give them nothing, because that's what you thought they wanted....and then you realize they just put you in a double-bind.

In that case, they lose interest and stop including you in anything. You're not fun anymore because they can't talk about you and judge you behind your back or passive aggressively to your face, there's no longer any drama. You've lost use, purpose, or value in the dynamics.

That's how my FOO works....

[SparkStillLit]

I have learned that my grey rock and LC is reason to MAKE SHIT UP about me and my family. Nice, right? I don't want to talk, so I sent a low information email about how I've been busy. I've also been out of town for continuing ed (that got out, she mines my son and he didn't figure that was any big secret).
Made up some big tale about how much extra I was working because husband isn't and how exhausted I am....I don't get paid in OT....at least not until I pass a certain number of comp hours, I'm not a private sector employee....but she just makes up whatever random crap because I'm not talking to her. I HAVE been ill, but she doesn't know anything about it. Unless she grilled something out of DS.