PD micromanaging our time

[SeaBreeze]

I was not sure if I should post on Common Behaviors or Committed to Working on It..

So...I succeed some days with MC, fail on others, but I can at least neutrally observe and recognize uNPDh's tactics and respond (or NOT respond) accordingly.

For instance, I am working a full shift at my job tonight, so I slept in this morning. He has made passive/aggressive digs since I woke, implying that I am lazy while he was up at dawn doing weekend chores. I reminded him, once, that I am working 8 hours later until midnight, so I too have a full and productive day ahead of me. He is still making digs but I refuse to JADE after making my one factual statement.

Since I am (mostly) MC'ing, his efforts to micromanage my time have become glaringly obvious, particularly since we are both home due to Covid lockdown paired with our new status as empty nesters. I am doing what I can to subtly resist. I do not call him out on it because of course he will gaslight or crazymake. (How helpful it is to simply identify and give a name to his tactics!)

A recent example of the time control where my mental lightbulb finally clicked on as to what he is doing: I make the mistake of announcing I am making a sandwich then relaxing with a book for a few hours til work. I offer to make him a sandwich too. He then offers to make the sandwiches instead so I can go ahead and start on my book. Only for lunch prep to become a long drawnout affair with him enlisting my help. Then halfway through all that, he decides to take me out to eat instead, so I take the bait. Only to end up running unplanned errands before and after since we are in town. Then a quick dash into the grocery store leads to 30 minutes (not exaggerating, actual example!) deciding what cereal he wants. But if I complain, then I'm an ungrateful wife who should appreciate her husband taking her out to lunch and wanting to spend time with her...Cue rage and/or subsequent ST.

I have dealt with similar variations of the above scenario many times, some drawnout over a few hours, others little instances scattered throughout the day. (e.g.. he decides we are eating a meal at an odd time, we are watching a movie together since I have 2 hours free, etc..I feel only fellow OOTFers will understand what I mean here..) At first I thought it was his way of keeping my attention on him while preventing me time alone (physically or at least mentally to THINK) but I feel more so now that he is keeping that attention by **controlling my TIME**. I'm getting better at deflecting or handling such above scenarios with boundaries, MC, no JADE, etc... but it can still be draining, distracting, and annoying. Any suggestions on how to best handle H trying to micromanage (or waste) my time, day, life?

[Boat Babe]

That sounds awful. That level of control is a headfu*k and you must be exhausted.

Other than using the tools, which you are doing really well, what else can you do? Given that your husband is very unlikely to change and may escalate his controlling behaviour, how do you envisage your future?  I hope that you find the answers you need. Hugs.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you for the kind words, Boat Babe! He's at it again this morning....I worked til midnight last night, slept from 2am to 9am (so 7 hours sleep) and go back to work today at noon. (Such is the nature of shift work.) He is taking it personally and complaining that I "sleot late"... He then tried to plan "our" next few hours  this morning. I reminded him I will be off this evening, and also reminded him (as I often have) that he is free to spend HIS morning as he sees fit without planning it around me.

In the old days, in the fog, there would have been a huge fight that left me wondering what just happened, why was he acting like that, why did I re-act certain ways that left me so hurt and exhausted afterward... So at least nowadays, things have relatively "improved" (gee the baselines sure get skewed, don't they?) and I can better see what base behaviors or motives are at play.

You're right: I am using the tools. This is about as "good" as it will get with him. I will continue privately working out my exit strategy (my job that inconveniences him being part of that strategy, the separate bedrooms that allow me to "sleep in" to the oh so ungodly hour of 9am (?!) being another part of it...)

[11JB68]

Seabreeze, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and also that I don't have good advice for you as I'm struggling with the same type of thing with my uocpdh.
He decides what time we go to bed and get up, wakes me up when I'm not fully rested, keeps me up later than I like when I have to get up in the am to go to work and he works from home. Yet he can decide that he needs a nap or to 'punch out early' since he is his own boss.
Sorry all I can do right now is commiserate..

[SeaBreeze]

11JB68 - I'm sorry you're still dealing with this as well. But appreciate knowing you understand! 

Reading back over my post, I think H sees the writing on the wall (or at least strongly gets the hint I am pulling away) so he is grasping to maintain any control he can still possibly hold. Youngest DS actually observed this about a year ago and warned me it might get worse after he left for college. DS is smart, but it saddens me that he would even have to observe or voice that to me.

(ETA ... H is napping right now while I'm on my dinner break! But I respect his need to rest and am leaving him be! Plus it means I get a break from him!)

[losingmyself]

Yup, I know what you mean with him finding things to do to control our time. And how can you complain when all he did was take you out for a nice lunch?? Only a bad person would complain about that. It's like we're stuck.
So, there's no time for ourselves. I got the guilt trip this morning because I didn't wake him up early so we could spend time together before I left for work.. "Or maybe you just don't want to spend time with me"
It's exhausting.

[Sadhubby]

Hi all, totally relate to all of these posts! In my case my wife tries to fill all the airspace with catastrophes and rules and heavens forbid if you try to draw the line... there are always new rules and expectations, and severe moral rebuke, turning into verbal abuse and physical violence, if I fail to adhere. So much for moralizing if you swear, demean and hit to get your point across, right?

I think I may have some advice though, and SeaBreeze I think you're already on the right track but you need to double and triple down. You *must* impose your boundaries and you must do so utterly ruthlessly, no matter how much your partner fights back.

The fact is that your partner will be ruthless in trying to get what they want. They will create so much FOG you won't know the difference between black and white and succumb to their twisted world view before you know it. Don't let them get that foothold they so long for, you won't appease them they will always want more from you. Every step you take in a direction you don't feel comfortable with is a mistake.

Chances are, given you are on this forum, that you have been accepting the unacceptable for so long that it's become the norm for you and your judgement of what's fair is deeply skewed towards pleasing/appeasing your partner. Their abusive behaviour has likely got you doubting yourself and your right to have peace, your own dreams, your own opinion, and your own identity.

As soon as you sense a trick or a tantrum, don't back down and don't explain yourself. Do use the techniques you've been learning, use them ruthlessly. If your partner insists on continuing, issue a simple warning like "I will ignore you if you press me further on this" and stick to it. If they continue to harass you, warn them you will leave the room/house if they continue and follow through on the threat.

Finally, keep your dignity so you feel like you acted correctly in the maddness, and don't let them see weakness. They won't be gentle.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, this is all too familiar!!! Even the going out to eat thing. It’s such a huge time suck. When I was in school I regularly had huge amounts of homework. My dad would “spontaneously” decide to take us out to dinner. Staying home and fixing something for myself wasn’t an option. Where are we going? “Out.” He’d drive around for 45 minutes sometimes until he found a restaurant that would strike his fancy. I’d try to do work in the car but I’d get nauseous, and I’d get berated for being rude during “family time.” Then it was, “Thank your father for taking us out to dinner!” Once I said, “No, we had plenty of food at home, you always complain how we have no money, and you knew I have a ton of homework tonight.” He tried to hit me in the back seat while driving.

This was a regular occurrence. I remember telling a teacher my homework wasn’t done because my father took us to dinner. She said, “Again?!?” And that she didn’t believe me. That it was the most creative but most absurd excuse she’d heard in all her years of teaching. I know it came up in parent teacher conferences, and my mother defended my father, and the problem was the amount of homework.

You are not defending your DH’s behavior, so good for you! He is not entitled to all the time he can finagle. I agree that he is being ruthless, and the “doing something nice for you” like taking you out is a huge red flag. If you can’t say, “I prefer to stay here and read my book,” without a guilt trip that’s a huge problem. A marriage like that is not a partnership. It’s a siege.

[Mary]

Wow, so familiar, eating out when there's little money or time. Roller coaster. Saying "no" more has been such a blessing.

[Matteblak]

Yep, this is me too. When our son goes to bed at 8:00, I am to be "available" to her, which means if she wants something or needs something or wants to talk or anything else, I am to be there. She has now time blocked our evenings: Friday is free day, 2 nights for bible study, 2 nights for "quality time", 2 for "physical intimacy" (this is insane, since for years this has been a weapon). I got to help decide which days are which, but not in a way that my input was considered.

Anyone notice what's missing? What if I want to do ANYTHING else EVER? I am now in a position where I need to negotiate to have time to engage in a hobby or watch TV...and I stupidly fell for it b/c on the surface, it solved one of my internal issues...me not wanting to get a nightly lecture about what's wrong with me, other people, the world in general...

[Happytobefree]

Wow!  This was eye opening!  I had to read through the thread several times because everything struck a chord with me.

Now it all makes sense why, after 18 mths of trying to "earn" his love back, when I finally said to him, "I can't do this anymore,"  I woke up the next morning feeling like I had SO MUCH FREE TIME on my hands and didn't understand why.  It's because I no longer had to serve his needs and run his errands and go to bed when he did even if I wasn't tired.  It was like having a full time job and it was so exhausting!!

I'm enjoying my newfound free time immensely!   

[xredshoesx]

just a quick rwo cents-  i truly feel that the 'micromanage you into submission' is a PD/ uPD trait.  it's one thing to experience it at work.... but when your significant other, spouse or family member does it to you IN THE HOME it's an entirely new level of hell because it doesn't end at the end of your shift.  my ex was really passive aggressive about it, but it was a thing and when i look back, it's the same as several of my admins/team leaders/ building supers i've had over my 20 year career in making sprockets...

[Jolie40]

Any suggestions on how to best handle H trying to micromanage (or waste) my time, day, life?

being an introvert, I like time to myself

in spring, husband was working from home & school sent child home for remote learning
so suddenly everyone home all day, everyday

started staying up later & later to have alone time once they went to bed
now I'm up all night & go to sleep around 5 am

I do dishes & laundry (at night) and have alone for me
since going NC this summer, less stress & able to sleep 7 or 8 hrs (all morning)

at first husband didn't like it & kept saying "try to go to bed earlier" but he seems ok now

[Mary]

I finally figured out that the best thing for me sleep-wise is to come to bed after he has fallen asleep. This way, I can't get drawn into an argument, and his laughing at facebook posts before bed doesn't wake me. So my new bedtime is 1 AM. I was beating myself up over it being too late. But now he's teaching from home due to covid, and doesn't start til 9 AM anyway. We're all sleeping in a little later, and I feel rested.

He used to complain that I was staying up too late and would grill me about what time I went to bed. But now that I'm doing it unapologetically and often, the grilling has ceased--Praise God!