GC effect on parent

[Happypants]

My mother has now been discharged from hospital after a two week stay and is at home with my father.  During the period between her being admitted and now,  things had improved somewhat predictably in that my father was less inclined towards his usual  dismissive noises, sighs, "anyway"s and "whatever"s aimed at me (this also happened while they were relying on me to help them when they were shielding). They are now settling into a routine albeit with my father having to assist my mother and i know he's under a lot of pressure, but today they were visited by GC and his family and tonight for the first time in two weeks he suddenly reverted back to the dismissive noises, sighs, "anyway"s and "whatever"s when i called to see how they were doing and if they needed anything. 

I should add, my GC bro doesn't involve himself with these dynamics but he is still the GC and my father does consider the two of them as being in a superior position to the rest of us.  I can't help but wonder if my GC bro's presence today has influenced my father's treatment of me (SG).  Does anyone notice this in their FOO, particularly where there are clearly defined long-term GC and SG roles? I don't even mean that there would have been anything negative spoken about me (i wouldn't even have been brought up), but just a re-establishing of what everyone's role is, a galvanising of my father's superiority to me.

I'm no longer ever tricked into believing that there's been some miraculous, permanent change of behaviour when i start to feel enveloped back within the family fold, nevertheless it's still boundary-trembler when normal service resumes. I pretty quickly moved to "i'd better let you go and catch up with some rest" and ended the call - i don't think he noticed but at least it feels like a modicum of control over him not being able to continue with his mutterings even if i can feel that intrusive attack on my self-worth.

[Jolie40]

he suddenly reverted back to the dismissive noises, sighs
  Does anyone notice this in their FOO, particularly where there are clearly defined long-term GC and SG roles?

no. of  yrs ago, PD parent & a sibling unexpectedly dropped by for few min.
I suggested sibling come visit someday to spend fun time with our young child  (not babysit)
both PD parent & sibling scoffed at same time like it was unreasonable to even ask!

I'm SG & siblings treated me as such not just PD parent
once I couldn't go to a family mtg due to activity for our child
GC called me after & blamed me for holiday changes made at mtg......yet I had no input!

I hear you Happypants about dismisses noises made towards SG as well as designated roles

[nanotech]

Yes I've noticed this effect. It's a form of discarding in favour of the GC.
My Unpdfather is like this with me, after he's been speaking to the GC  or Grand GC.
Sarcastic, dismissive, bordering on rude. He will bring up something I did 'wrong' ( often a present I bought him months before that he didn't like. I would have to hear all about WHY he didn't like it, and why he was right not to like it).
Yet two days beforehand, when HE needed something? Totally lovely, lovebombing, telling me I'm special (cringe).
After speaking to GC?
Oh, Nano you are a failure, but never mind, I'll tolerate you. 
Wtaf 

[Happypants]

Jolie40 - before i came Out of the FOG i thought that  their unpenetrable solidarity in their attitude towards me was evidence of my being a lesser being. They definitely gain strength from the GC's presence.  Sorry you've been on the receiving end x

Nanotech - Thanks, i guess i hadn't thought of this being discard but it seems obvious now  I spoke to him again this morning and although there was some jovial conversation, i'd say we're back where we were ie me hoping to walk away from the conversation without questioning myself 

[Hepatica]

Hmmmm... reading each of your posts makes me wonder....  The really noticeable PD behaviour emerged when I began to set boundaries with my GC sister. She was using her illnesses to pressure me to spend more time in hospital with our sick uNPD mother.  I had begun to set boundaries around my sister's scheduling of my time. That is when I began to notice my uNPD father doing similar things toward me, sighing, pouting like a child when I'd show up at the hospital, sometimes walking out of the room in a little fit when I arrived with a sneer on his face.

When my mother got out of hospital my uNPD father continued these little micro-aggressions, sighing, avoiding us when we'd show up to see them, more pouting and mad faces. He also accused me of not giving him a birthday card - and I had! I had driven over, knocked and my mom answered and I brought in flowers and card, but he was out galivanting (during Covid lockdown) and either didn't see the card or pretended he didn't and lashed out.

I think now that he and GC sister have commiserated over my boundary setting and set the punishments in motion which have now led to his most recent attack on me, telling me I need to go see a shrink. (News alert! I am and she advises No Contact.) I do think their elevation of GC adds to the SG factor. The GC can do no wrong and the SG has to be controlled and manipulated. They always need someone to pick on.

I've had enough of it.

[Konoha]

Sorry to hear it hope that soon she will be fine

[Happypants]

Hepatica -

I do think their elevation of GC adds to the SG factor. The GC can do no wrong and the SG has to be controlled and manipulated. They always need someone to pick on.

. I completely agree. My situation just now just feels like i'm being backed into a corner and my only options are to submit (which won't change their behaviour and may be the end of my sanity) or reinforce my stance on the current situation and know that there will be no going back and our relationship will change forever.  The current situation being pressure to fall into a carer role, one which i know however little i'm committed to in the first instance will probably snowball and become longterm.  Feels like there's a storm coming.  I've had enough too x

Konoha - thanks, they are sorting out her medication so hopefully she's on the path to full recovery x

[Hepatica]

Happypants, You do not have to be a carer, esp. to the people that can find all your sore spots and manipulate you and who have spent your lifetime hurting you. It's hard enough being a carer for kind and grateful people that you enjoy being around. When you care for toxic parents you have the stress of all of that on top of being in turmoil over their illnesses and natural aging process bc even though we struggle with their behaviour, some part of us cares about them. It' so confusing and terrible.

I can really relate to the feeling of the storm coming because I too felt that way, that I'd lose my sanity if I submitted to their pressure. I opted for saving myself and I backed away very slowly over time. Every backward step I took brought out their PD behaviour until my uNPD father crossed the line. All of the anger that had been building in me saved me. It's so hard feeling those feelings but anger can be a very liberating thing. I must have been anticipating it for a long time because I didn't lash out. I knew he'd use that against me. I merely told him to leave and when he didn't I got up and left. I cannot believe how good that felt.

But it's not easy. Try to know where your lines are and if they cross them what you will do. Build up your support network. Make plans for how you're going to implement self-care and keep coming here to gain fortitude and support.

Bottom line is: we shouldn't care for our abusers. Caring should be something you do as a choice, and for people who feel and show genuine gratitude and love. If there are old abuse patterns caregiving becomes dangerous, esp. if you are recovering from childhood abuse. Our bodies move into flight and fight mode and all of the adrenaline and cortisol is not good for our bodies.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. I know how hard it is.

[Happypants]

Hepatica, thank you so much for your reply.  Over the years i've read other's issues with the same situation and thought i had longer to self-differentiate, relocate and establish myself in a career.  Sadly that hasnt happened and that will no doubt give them what they believe to be justification for putting me in that position, and i'll struggle to justify my refusal. But when i picture myself helping them, i also picture myself going home afterwards having lost more of myself and moving a step closer to losing any control that i have over my life.  And having them in my head 24 hours a day, something which i've only recently (last 1-2 years) been able to successfully reduce.

I've written a list of what i'm willing and unwilling to do which is based on my mother's temporary restricted mobility.  Anything past that or longer term will require a re-think on everybody's part.  Thanks again for your help, i know that you're going through the ringer too.  Sending hugs x

[JenniferSmith]

he is still the GC and my father does consider the two of them as being in a superior position to the rest of us.  I can't help but wonder if my GC bro's presence today has influenced my father's treatment of me (SG).  Does anyone notice this in their FOO, particularly where there are clearly defined long-term GC and SG roles? I don't even mean that there would have been anything negative spoken about me (i wouldn't even have been brought up), but just a re-establishing of what everyone's role is, a galvanising of my father's superiority to me.

Your comments in this paragraph really resonate with me right now. Esp the part in bold. 

In my case, it is a health crisis in a wealthy elderly enFather that has suddenly brought my long-estranged GC brother back into the fold.  And just like you describe, I can feel the dynamics shifting and how I am being forced into a role created slowly over many decades in my family.

I know that "role" is not ME. I've spent years in minimal to no contact with these people, working on myself, therapy, mediation, etc.... I have changed and healed.

But I can feel the dynamic staring to kick in - its as if these old, long-term patterns are now going to suffocate me while I am forced to interact with everyone due to the crisis.  Not sure if that makes sense, its a big vague, but I what you wrote resonated with me, and I actually appreciate you writing it as it brought some clarity to my mind about this whole situation.

My strategy to cope is to remain grounded in knowing the person that I am, regardless of any role they have created  for me. Its a moment by moment process, and very difficult.

[Happypants]

JenniferSmith - It absolutely makes sense and I'm glad my post helped you.  To me it feels like being sucked back into a vacuum with no control every time this happens.  The thing is, in the moment i can become paralysed and fall back into old behaviours and reactivity (internally) - like I'm unable to imagine any other way to be as it's so well-rehearsed and almost automatic.  But more recently I've managed a similar approach (or at least i try) to you in remaining grounded and staying focused on self-differentiation.

I think the problem is that when there is a parent's health involved, my self-protection priorities and boundaries adjust when confronted with their mortality and my predicted ability to live with myself in the future depending on how much of myself I've given over to help them.  That's very deeply ingrained in me and makes me just as culpable in solidifying my role as SG 

I guess that's where maintaining a level of self-awareness regardless of whatever is going on and however serious reinforces boundaries.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through x

[nanotech]

I've realised that everything I say to my UNPDdad is viewed through a kind of prism. If I tell him good news about me and mine, then there's that anxious pause while my dad's brain worries that I'm going to look better than my brother to outsiders.
The GC must be exalted and protected at all times.
Then dad always comes up with an answer that reduces the good news to not-so -good news.
For example, if my daughter has just landed a great new job, then that's because '...she's living in the part of the country where all the opportunities are."  And so on. There's no such thing as a 'well done' unless it involves the GC. and his family.
My children are not favoured.
If my children 'went over to his side' ( darkness) THEN he would completely favour them. Instead, he favours my older sister's children, because they play the toxic game for him beautifully. They denigrate my sister both behind her back, and to her face, which she takes. It's all supply for my dad. Sister is a raging narcissist and capable of being malicious, but she allows herself to be spoken to like utter ***** by her own children. All because my UNPDdad requires it. Then together, they devalue and discard US. That's when Nsis gets HER supply.

Ask me if I'm bothered!😂Nope!
Helloooo.....I'm out! Shame blame and guilt? Nope not playing!


Happy pants this is great mantra for surviving and thriving-

"My strategy to cope is to remain grounded in knowing the person that I am, regardless of any role they have created  for me. Its a moment by moment process, and very difficult."

It encapsulates much. I'm on the same learning curve!