It's the little things lately

[Sneezy]

I know, this sounds crazy, but the little things are just driving me nuts lately.  Mom was so difficult this summer and into September.  We had a couple blowups, and I finally realized it was time to strengthen my boundaries and make my medium chill a little chillier.  I think Mom finally figured it out when I essentially told her to stop threatening to move away, but to go ahead and call the movers and get some boxes and I'd help her pack.  So . . . for the past few weeks, she's been pretty good about the big stuff.  But she keeps getting the little jabs in.  Every time we talk she drops heavy hints about how bored she is and how lonely and she just neeeeeeds to go out shopping and why won't I take her out and all her friends are spending days/weeks with their daughters and the food in senior living is so bad and on and on.  She's like a little kid who knows she pushed it too far and so now it's just constant needling about minor stuff.  I'd almost rather have a big blowup and get it over with.  This constant nitpicky whining somehow seems worse.  I think it's because I feel like I'm being so petty when I don't give in on the little things.  Why is the little stuff bugging me more than the big fights? 

[WinterStar]

Sneezy,

Geesh. Sounds like death by a thousand paper cuts. Slow and painful. It's common for manipulative people to change tactics when their previous go-to isn't effective anymore. It's disorienting and overwhelming.

And it's so like a little kid. I have a daughter who likes to dance all over the line to test the boundaries of what she can get away with. It can last most of the day before she actually does something over the line that requires a consequence from me. So I spend most of the day monitoring her behavior, encouraging her to behave well, warning her. It takes effort to evaluate after each little thing if it's necessary to step in. It's irritating and exhausting! Sometimes I wish she would just do something clearly over the line so we can just get to the consequence that tends to "reset" things (sometimes there's a meltdown before the reset, though).

Your mom is like a small child. She just found out she couldn't get away with one thing, so she's testing the boundaries. Kicking around the line to see what she can get away with. In your mother's case, she probably wouldn't mind it if there was a big blowup over it. She can tell everyone she knows how mean her daughter was to her over such a little thing. I'm sorry your mother has the emotional maturity of a small child.

[Psuedonym]

Especially the last part of what WinterStar said. She's most likely trying to provoke you; she knows it's grating on your last nerve and is trying to push you to the point where you lose your chill and get angry. Then she wins because she a) got a reaction out of you and b) boom! now you're the bad guy. Why did you yell at her?! Why are you so mean? 

Medium chill is an effective tactic with pds but its not easy. It's draining to have to suppress your emotions, it takes a lot out of you. I think your reaction is totally normal.

[Sneezy]

WinterStar - you have hit the nail on the head.  The tantrums and cry-fests and threats weren't working, so mom has switched to testing the boundaries with a series of little pokes and kicks and never-ending whining.  Kind of like when kids learn that temper tantrums aren't productive, so they shift to whining. 

Psuedonym - Yes, it is draining.  But medium chill is the only way.  Regardless of how she behaves, I need to keep my head and keep my boundaries in place.  I thought more about it, and I'm seeing her at least once a week, we have been out to eat (outside), we've ordered out, we've spent a fair amount of time together, I make sure she has groceries or whatever else she needs.  This is good enough.  In fact, it's more than good enough.  And so I am not getting goaded into wandering aimlessly around the mall during a pandemic because mom is bored.  Boundaries!!!

Thanks for the support and advice!!!

[athene1399]

This sounds stressful and annoying. I think when there's a lot of little things like this bothering me, it's usually because my FOO is hoping that after a while I will give in. Boundaries have been harder for me to reinforce with my sis as I was expected to take care of her when I was a kid (mind you I am only three years older). But I have noticed the more boundaries I put in place and stick to, the more she tries the little things. It sucks sometimes, but it's a long game IMO and I think over time it gets easier (or maybe you just get used to it). But focus on what you need. If the little things are really irritating you, maybe you need a longer break from them. After all, they cannot change, but you do have the power to interact with them less if you want to. I hope things get better for you

[Sneezy]

It sucks sometimes, but it's a long game

Exactly!  I need to keep the long game in mind. 

I saw mom for several hours yesterday and she was just fine.  No whining, no complaints (well, maybe a couple, but they were pretty minor).  It appears that she is getting her drama/attention supply from others right now.  A friend has been emailing non-stop health advice to her, and one of my siblings has been calling and texting constantly, telling mom that she is too thin and is wasting away and does she need a care package.  Ok, mom's weight is fine, but she loves to get this kind of attention, and if it makes my life easier, I am all for my sibling sending care packages to her heart's content.

I was thinking about upping our in-person visits to twice a week.  But for now, I think once a week is plenty.  And hopefully she will keep getting her drama needs supplied by others for a while, and will give me a break.  I can always hope, right?