Anyone else have the uNPD person in their head constantly?

SunnyMeadow · October 26, 2020, 09:09:18 AM

I wish my uNPD mother didn't take up so much room in my brain. She's always there and I'm longing for the day when she isn't! I know how she thinks and how she's going to cause her next blow up and it's like I'm always bracing for it. I pre-plan how to reply so things don't get worse, I hate it. I had a nice visit with relatives and barely thought about my mother and then she started texting me. I spend a lot of time thinking about how relieved I'll be when she dies. She's so old and yet she keeps going even with health issues and her not taking care of them. I take comfort in this post by Pseudonym in reply to a post by Omega.

QuoteI don't know about you but I was convinced, convinced, that Negatron would outlive me. I would say to my H, 'she's going to live forever and ever and I will never be rid of this' and he would say 'nope, she won't be around that much longer'....and he was right. She died a couple of weeks ago, weirdly not long after Ray of WomanInterrupted fame also died. It was very quick, much like your M, she had been complaining about her health and 'dying' for decades. She went into the hospital for some tests on Thursday (having shortness of breath) and on Friday morning the doctors called and said she was in a coma and wouldn't make it through the day. I didn't really believe it until they called back and said she'd died.

She was 90, which is a few years older than your mother is now. If I could go back and talk to myself a few years ago I would say 'even though you don't think it will end, it will. She's not going to outlive you and once she's gone it's going to be as big a relief as you suspect it will be'...so. that's what I'm going to tell you. I was worried that somehow I'd still feel all the same stresses/C-PTSD symptoms but you know what? Nope. Nothing but peaceful feelings here.

I know you're exhausted. It's exhausting. But you will get through this and things will get better.

I feel like she's in my brain constantly because I'm wishing and hoping I get the phone call that she expired. Now that's taking up space in my head and I'm feeling a little crazy about it. It's a terrible thing to wish for and then I feel guilty about it. I mean, I don't think other people are secretly wishing people will die but I do. I'm really a nice person but this inner part of me makes me wonder what on earth happened to me.

I also wonder if I'm going to feel like a terrible person when I get the call because I constantly think about it. Maybe counseling is in order for me!

And btw, I haven't seen Woman Interrupted around here in a long time. I hope she's ok. I know with Ray and Dede gone she doesn't have much reason to be here but I like when people with so much experience stick around to help the rest of us!

Happypants · October 26, 2020, 10:24:45 AM

SunnyMeadow - i'm sorry to say that WomanInterrupted passed away recently. Her husband has posted in The Cafe and there are many lovely messages from the many forum members thought so highly of her x

reallivefiction · October 26, 2020, 10:34:01 AM

I definitely struggle with this. From what I understand, it comes from enmeshment in a boundary-less relationship. Knowing this doesn't help much, but at least it's normal for people like us. I've also found myself waiting for people to die, my alcoholic mom (died in 2015) and now my toxic grandparents.

Btw, I'm new to this form, but I heard WomanInterrupted passed away

SunnyMeadow · October 26, 2020, 10:34:49 AM

Oh no, what awful news about WI. I will always remember her.

SunnyMeadow · October 26, 2020, 10:37:18 AM

Quote from: reallivefiction on October 26, 2020, 10:34:01 AM
I definitely struggle with this. From what I understand, it comes from enmeshment in a boundary-less relationship. Knowing this doesn't help much, but at least it's normal for people like us. I've also found myself waiting for people to die, my alcoholic mom (died in 2015) and now my toxic grandparents.

Thank you for this. Boundary-less and enmeshment is spot on! I feel relief knowing I'm not the only one who has gone through this.

Psuedonym · October 26, 2020, 12:09:13 PM

Oh no, oh no. I am so devastated to hear that WomanInterrupted has passed away. I feel like a close friend has died. How awful. She helped me so much through the last few years. This is so sad.

SunnyMeadow, I am still here! I want to try to help others a tiny bit as much as I've been helped. I'm glad that you found the other reply helpful.

I think because we have always lived with that PD in our life that we can't imagine that we will ever really be free of them. But you will be. As to feeling bad about wishing that they would pass away, my wise T once told me that its a logical reaction. She said 'you know that she is never, ever going to change, so what else is going to resolve the situation? It's not bad or wrong, its logical.'

I found Richard Grannon's Mental Fortress videos very helpful. https://www.youtube.com/c/FortressMentalHealthProtectionSystem/videos It's basically practicing mindfulness through a series of exercises designed to change your thinking patterns. Maybe it will help you as well.

SunnyMeadow · October 26, 2020, 02:37:03 PM

Thank you Psuedonym!

I'm very thankful you're still here. I know other people will benefit from your posts and experiences.

I'm devastated about WI too, just so shocked. I told about my husband about her today and said "WI passes and yet my mom keeps lingering on and on, it isn't fair"!

Thank you for the Richard Grannon link. I've never seen this one, I will check it out. I like him too and I've used some of his suggestions with success!

Kiki81 · October 29, 2020, 11:43:28 PM

That went away after several years of NC.

guitarman · October 30, 2020, 05:54:20 AM

SunnyMeadow my uBPD/NPD sister can be constantly in my head even though I've not contacted her for a year. I call her my abuser. I experience hyper vigilance and anticipatory dread most of the time. I fear her visiting me and her raging at me. I can replay all the crisis times over and over. It's a symptom of CPTSD.

I practice Mindfulness guided meditations which has helped me cope better. There are many Mindfulness videos on YouTube. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach on YouTube and on her website www.tarabrach.com

The counsellor and author Kris Godinez specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. She has a YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She recommends doing mirror work where you talk to your reflection in a mirror and congratulate yourself for all the good things about yourself and praise yourself for all the things that you are good at. You give yourself permission to have a good day each morning. It's a way of building your self esteem and a way of reprogramming your negative thinking. It's OK to put your needs first.

Kris Godinez has a list of self help books on her Facebook page that you might like to have a look at which may help you further.

SunnyMeadow · October 30, 2020, 07:56:33 AM

I appreciate the information and link guitarman. Thank you.

JenniferSmith · November 03, 2020, 01:45:49 PM

Sunny, I'll come sit with you on the bench for people who are waiting for their parent to die.

My version of this is that now that my elderly enDad has hit some serious health issues, my Nbrother is back in my life. I will not have any peace until enDad passes. I don't really feel guilty for looking forward to the day he is dead. He has brought far more misery to my life than any of the good.

My life will be better when he is gone. Unfortunately, the misery he has caused me throughout my entire life will not magically disappear when he dies, but at that point, at least no NEW misery can be added to the accumulated pile. From there, I will finally be able to slowly heal from it, and... the best part, I will also no longer have to deal with my brother.

lightworld · November 03, 2020, 04:10:57 PM

You are definitely not alone with this feeling Sunny Meadow, I too am convinced that NF will outlive me. I agree with you Pseudonym 's words are very comforting.

After a particularly traumatic period with NF I'm trying no contact and it definitely helps with this. At first I was wracked with guilt but now I know I am better off having no contact at all with him, he's bad for me and he is not been inside my head much since I went NC.

I too was devastated by WI's death. As Psuedonym said it feels like she was a personal friend. She was the one to remind me that I matter and my FOC matter. She told me "you are not responsible for his happiness, he will not change it's important to protect yourself (remember the shark cage? WI always told me to stay in it)

It's so hard not to let the PD darken your life, to choose freedom, but WI gave me an inkling of what that might be like. I hope you can find some peace SM.

SunnyMeadow · November 03, 2020, 04:48:05 PM

Thanks JenniferSmith and lightworld, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. It helps to realize that others feel this way too. I've been keeping WI's words and advice in mind as I continue this limited relationship with my mother. I do remember the shark cage, smart advice!

I'm ready for the relief in knowing she can't cause chaos anymore!

Sidney37 · November 07, 2020, 02:47:53 PM

I have been NC with my uNPDm for over a year. Some emails have made it through and so have some texts, but I haven't heard her voice for over a year. That being said, I hear her critical, judgmental voice in my head telling me what to do or how what I did was so very wrong. It was nearly constant when we were in contact. It certainly dulled somewhat after I went NC. I'm over a year out and I still hear that voice sometimes, but it's not daily and for that I am thankful. You are definitely not alone.

SunnyMeadow · November 08, 2020, 09:17:22 AM

Thank you Sidney37

I haven't been able to go full NC for long. I did for a few months and it was the most stressful and peaceful time in my life. I applaud you for being brave and bold enough to stick with it.

Because I wasn't able to stick with NC, I feel it's why I wish for her to pass! Death would take away the incredibly hard choice of me going NC.

It would be better if SHE went permanently NC with all of us!

LemonLime · November 09, 2020, 11:40:58 AM

I've been VLC with my uPD sibling for 2 years. But I still hear their voice in my head. Intrusive thoughts. I've realized the voice says:

1. You are a slob. Nobody keeps their house as cluttered as you do. It is not normal and it is a health hazard. (I realize you guys don't know me but I can assure you that although I do tend to have a bit of clutter in my house it is nowhere near pathological. Nowhere near. Oh, and uPD sib was a very very messy child and teen. Her room stank and you couldn't walk across the floor. She's much better now.)
2. You are not a good parent. You favor one of your children over the other and it is damaging them. (Of note, my uPD sib felt my parents favored me).
3. You are not a good pet parent. You favor one of your cats over the other and it is cruel. (Wow, yeah that's a strange one, right?)
4. You are damaging the people around you. You are cruel.
5. You are fake and people are fooled into thinking you are nice but you are not.
6. You show off all the time, and humble-brag. You chose your profession in order to show off that you are smart and to fool people into thinking you are nice. You are not.
7. You are spoiled and entitled (sib has screamed that at me in a rage in real life).

The thoughts are predictable. The slob one comes up whenever I am cleaning my kitchen. The cat one comes up when I am playing with or feeding my cats. The kid one comes up all the time and is by far the most hurtful.

Meditation and mindfulness has helped me. Recognizing the thoughts as intrusive and habitual, and then countering with a positive thought has helped me. Thanks for the other ideas everyone.

SunnyMeadow · November 09, 2020, 03:51:12 PM

LemonLime, I'm sorry you have your uPD sibling in your head constantly, those thoughts sound painful.

Thanks for your ideas of meditation and mindfulness. Positive thinking to combat the negative sound much more appealing.

Call Me Cordelia · November 09, 2020, 10:20:22 PM

LemonLime, every single one of those thoughts on that list sound like your sister projecting her worst traits onto you. You're taking on the shame that really belongs to your sister. Who is fake, and cruel, and entitled here?

But I relate to this, even if I don't hear my parents' actual voice in my head nearly as much as I used to, before I even knew that's what it was. I'm three years NC and I'm dealing with this codependency and CPTSD crap every dang day. I do get frustrated that I'm three years out and still have so far to go in recovery. I can be confident that those people whose DNA I share are still out there, and they'd love to hurt me if they could. I do fear that someday I will have to confront them again. So yes, I too share the feeling that it would be something of a relief to hear they were no longer in this world. I don't remember who wrote it on here, but somebody's T asked them what else they would hope for, when all hope of any kind of positive relationship were dead? It makes sense, and it speaks to the extremity of our situations more than our own character. At least I hope that's true.

Ariel · December 02, 2020, 10:42:59 PM

I love all the advice and good links here. My mom had passed away only a month ago. She is still in my head. I don't hear anything good just feeling like I'm doing something wrong all the time. So I think they not having them here is better. But all the abuse stuff still needs to be worked out. It's something they put in our head I realize I need to work on getting it out. All the unresolved stuff, all the hope that when they were dying they would take responsibility and said they were sorry that never came. So while maybe them passing might stop the abuse. You need to work on yourself now. I thought when she passed I would feel peace, But I realize that's not true and something I'm gonna have to work on for a while.

I wish you luck I wish you strength but you got to work on yourself like I do.

SunnyMeadow · December 03, 2020, 09:07:25 AM

Quote from: Ariel on December 02, 2020, 10:42:59 PM
You need to work on yourself now. I thought when she passed I would feel peace, But I realize that's not true and something I'm gonna have to work on for a while.

I wish you luck I wish you strength but you got to work on yourself like I do.

Smart advice Ariel! I tend to want to sweep it under the rug and pretend that I'm strong and she doesn't bother me. But I can see where even when they pass, there will be work to do.