Introductions

[Out of the Rabbit Hole]

Hi. I've been lurking for quite a bit and just made an account. I'm not new to the concept of having a PD family and am actually in a pretty good place right now. I struggled with remembering the abuse every time I was roped back in. The urge to have a healthy family is strong and this last time I was completely disillusioned by my family of origin. I realized that if I'm gonna have a healthy family that I have to build it from the ground up with another person who wants the same thing. Fortunately, I have that in my life and we are going to strive to create and protect our family.
I'm still grieving that my mother and father are not able to be the kind of grandparents my future children deserve. I will not cut them out of my life because, I am much stronger than I used to be and can manage low contact. I journaled. The journaling includes three lists. The first two are my adverse childhood experiences and a list of gaslighting from my PD mother (and family) to help me remember what I'm dealing with. It helps set realistic expectations for the relationship on my part. The last list is a list of boundaries I set for myself. I'm willing to adjust the boundaries based on my needs and relationship changes. Though I doubt things will ever change.
So, I'm not in a bad place. I'm in a place of growth and the power to take control of my life and dreams is stronger than ever. For example, I realized that even if I'm alone that I can still achieve my dreams. I can still create a loving and nurturing home. It seems so small at times to only want some peace and quiet and yet, that is all I want from life anymore.
My PD parents are held at arms length and this suits my health. I tend to think about others first. It's taken some real self work to see into myself and realize that I was the one I needed to be concerned with. Only by proper self-care can I give my best to my loved ones. Setting firm boundaries is not a hostile act though it can be perceived that way. Time away from toxic behaviors helped me recreate my ego. I realized that I can become something I can live with. I can strive to be what I want to be and not let learned behaviors haunt me.
That's where I am. I have moments of self-doubt and concern that it's me. I'm aware it comes from having been taught that I'm never going to be good enough and that I don't deserve to exist. So I journaled to remember. I watched videos and read others experiences for validation. I fight that doubt by maintaining awareness of my growth. I try to be a better person and take pleasure in seeing my progress. No one can take that away from me. It's more empowering than anything I've ever experienced.
I know that there are probably still many who are in different stages of grief and recovery. So, I try not to come across as unhelpful. In my early stages it was difficult to see past the personality disordered family drama. It felt like a trap that I was born into. I had to grow up, move away, and still struggled for many years before I came to terms with my personal strength and power. I hope every one who struggles similarly can find the strength in themselves to forge the life they deserve.
I have PTSD from my childhood adverse experiences. So when I first sought to recover it was very focused on my PTSD symptoms. I sought a trauma specialist only when my symptoms became unmanageable. There I took CBT and was very focused on putting the tools I learned to good use. It did help but, not enough.
I then decided that EMDR therapy was worth trying. EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, was incredibly difficult and exhausting. It seemed to click a switch in my head though. At first the reprocessing was slow but, then I found that my reactivity to triggers was steadily going down. By the end of the sessions I was able to have enough headspace to apply what I had learned in CBT far more effectively. Note: I'm not recommending EMDR because, each patient is unique in what treatment works for them. I'm just sharing my recovery process (which I believe is lifelong). /end note.
That was when I started to realized that my family of origin and the behaviors they taught me were not healthy. They were in fact hindering me. It still took a few more years after that before I was able to clear my head of the fog. Seeing hurts, and all the stories I read and hear from others helped me realize that I'm not alone.
It sucks that this is what we come together on, yet it's awesome that we can come together and support each other. That being said, I'll be hopping off my soapbox now. It's very nice to have found this place and I appreciate it. Thank you.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome! I'm glad you found us but sorry you needed us.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right in your healing journey, between the journaling and the EMDR and the resetting expectations. You deserved better parents than what you got, but also you can thrive in spite of them.

I look forward to hearing more from you around the boards!

[Out of the Rabbit Hole]

Hi and welcome!

Thank you. I appreciate the warm welcome. I look forward to reading more posts from the community as well.