Just irritating behaviors or were they early warning signs?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Looking back at significant others I realize many had similar behaviors. I know I am not the only one to notice a pattern.  Fortunately, I was Out of the FOG when I met my husband. But to be honest with earlier relationships, they ended because the other person broke up with me. I would have never left, but wonder now if they were not getting the supply the needed and did me a huge favor by leaving. If a person shows most of these behaviors below, would it be early warning signs and not just someone who is irritating?  Thanks.   
           
1. Giving gifts they wanted you to have, not what you actually wanted, such as a pair of skis because they enjoyed the sport.
2. Never turning toward you to give you their attention when you talked to them. Never putting down a paper or magazine to look at you and simply talking into whatever object currently had their attention instead. 
3. Always looking around at other things happening in the room when out together. 
4. Never wanting to be with just you and always needing to include others.
5. Making fun of your choice of clothes, jewelry, or style.
6. Talking to you while walking through a room, never stopping long enough to look at you and interact. 
7. Rolling their eyes if you asked them to drop you off at the door of a store if it was raining and you did not want to ruin your shoes. 
8. Walking three feet ahead of you, and you can never walk fast enough to keep up with them.
9. Not remembering the small things that you like, such as your favorite desert, favorite movie, etc. 

There was also feeling empty inside while with them, but yearning to be around them and I wonder if it was because I was still looking for what was lacking. I read through this list and wonder what I ever saw in these people and feel embarrassed I ever liked them.  If others showed affection or generosity to me, I thought they were "weak" and frequently my GC older sister would ridicule them and laugh at me for being with them.  Perhaps predictably, she is now married to a man who physically abuses her. I fortunately have a great marriage.  I cannot help but think of the irony. 
             
             

[11JB68]

I wish I knew then what I know now.
I wish I could have seen the red flags for what they were.
Even things that struck me as wrong or off....I somehow convinced myself they were one offs or things would get better, or that it was my fault...

[GettingOOTF]

I always wondered who my ex was buying gifts for as they were nothing if ever buy for myself or even mentioned liking.

He never called me by my name. He had a nickname he used for me.

He couldn't hold down a job. There was always some drama that was out of his control.

He was a total slob.

He was always in debt. Always. He had no savings and really had credit when I met him. I'm not from the US so I had no idea what a 500 credit score was.

He was always late. Always.

He also did the walking ahead so I'd have to run to keep up. If we were somewhere crowded he never looked around to see where I was.

These are all small or relatively small things that are so easy to overlook but now I see them as signs of abuse and PD.

[SeaBreeze]

would it be early warning signs and not just someone who is irritating?

Honestly, at this point in my journey Out of the FOG, "irritating" is the red flag! And I can usually tell if it's just that I am the one in an irritated mood. But if I meet someone new, and their words or behaviors irritate me personally (when I am in an otherwise good mood),  or they seem to be an irritating person in general? I no longer have the patience to let anyone else like that into my life!

[Mintstripes]

You just described my covert narc mother who I have been NC with for about 5 years.

1. Giving gifts they wanted you to have, not what you actually wanted, such as a pair of skis because they enjoyed the sport.
***this happened often.

2. Never turning toward you to give you their attention when you talked to them. Never putting down a paper or magazine to look at you and simply talking into whatever object currently had their attention instead. 
***This too.

3. Always looking around at other things happening in the room when out together. 
***this drove me absolutely batty, she was never "present". When I was an older teen and young adult and still went out with her, she'd insist on splitting up so SHE could go to the stores SHE wanted to and then would "meet me in a few hours". What was the point of me coming if you just wanted to be by yourself? I can't tell you the number of times she did this to me. I knew it was weird at the time but now I recognize just how abnormal it is.

6. Talking to you while walking through a room, never stopping long enough to look at you and interact. 
***Yup

7. Rolling their eyes if you asked them to drop you off at the door of a store if it was raining and you did not want to ruin your shoes. 
***Oh YEAH, this!!! Everyone in my FOO made fun of me for literally anything and I was branded the "spoiled" one.

8. Walking three feet ahead of you, and you can never walk fast enough to keep up with them.
***Oh my goodness. My mother again!!!! She'd do this when we were out ALL THE TIME. The last straw was when she visited when my daughter was a baby. She monopolized the stroller and took off down the sidewalk without me, WITH MY BABY. As if I wasn't even there. Exactly as she had always done, except this was even worse. I was almost frozen there, watching it happen, thinking "What does she think she's doing???" That visit was a nail in the coffin for so many reasons and I went NC not long after. She tries to get info from flying monkeys now but I'm not fooled.

This was quite cathartic, thanks.

[Prototypian]

Not sure.   Some of these could be warnings and some could be cluelessness.    Those two things could be confused.   But the cluelessness can be corrected with crucial conversations, PD behaviors would likely be met with indignation and defensive posturing or even anger.

It's hard to say specifically; speaking as a male, sometimes when you look deep past our exteriors with the list of sports stats, video games, insecurities, pressure to be successful and powerful you probably find sports stats and video games with some of the insecurities.  A general male will love, cherish and put his wife above all others but that doesn't take out the cluelessness or lapses in judgement that make a man human.

But to try to change a wife, control her, disrespect her, not listen to her, not share with her and treat her as a possession or with anger and manipulation is where there is a total veer toward PD.   Forgetting an anniversary is stupid, not knowing your wife's favorite flowers or recognizing when she needs a form of comfort is clueless male.   Considering yourself above having to learn and be part of the relationship and apologize and listen is being either an A$$ or veering toward PD

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your insights and willingness to share your own stories.   

11JB68 - Convincing ourselves their behavior is a one-off, or it is our fault is so true.
Getting Out of the FOG - Always being late is a another good one as well as when they walk ahead and never look back to see where we are. Ugh!   
Seabreeze - Irritating is now your warning flag. Well said. I think of these people as hot coals when I notice these things and just stand back.   
Mintstripes - This describes some of my family members too. 
Jsinjin - I think you are wise to differentiate that such behaviors that can be corrected with crucial conversations are different from a situation where the conversation is met with the person getting defensive or indagate. Unfortunately in my experience these people got belligerent and accusatory to me.

[ToAudrey]

So many things here have me going "yep yep yep".

Late...oh yep always. Became a big joke to everyone. Learned to let it slide when it really was not a big deal and tried to communicate when it was important to be on time. Did not help.

Gifts you did not want. Several times nPDH had gifted me clothes that were (a) not my style nor a style I'd ever expressed and interest in and (b) were too small for me. So yeah yay a gift how kind but also yeah thank you for giving me something that makes me uncomfortable. Not sure if that was PD or clueless.

Lots of small incidents I knew deep were red flags but couldn't bring myself to break away as I felt ashamed and didn't want anyone to know I'd made a mistake of being in the relationship. 11JB68 Your comment about the red flags and thinking it was your fault or a one off really resonated with me.

[SparkStillLit]

Giving gifts they want you to have: MY MOTHER. She even says "well I only give such and such"!!
Walking ahead: updh. Always.
Never looking at me when talking, and also walking off when talking, all of the rude talking behaviors: updh.
Slob: updh
Inconsiderate of time: updh and my mother.
Rude and horrid to service people: my mother. I consider that a red flag.

[blunk]

Spark, I had always sort of wondered about being rude to service people as a PD trait, but had not seen it mentioned here before. My bpdxh did this all the time. If we were out to eat, and the server made a mistake his whole attitude towards them would turn, where I was more understanding. The odd part is that we had both worked in food service.

The other one that made me cringe was in the line at the grocery store. The cashier would give a standard greeting or ask if you found everything ok, and he would just stare at them not saying anything, and would shoot me "the look" if I answered instead. It was the same after finishing check-out, most cashiers and/or baggers will say something like thank you or have a nice day...never a response. I would often mouth "I'm sorry" to them as he walked away. Even now, thinking about it makes me cringe.

[Lauren17]

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.
Whe. I read love languages book in my 20s I was solidly a gifts person. I know hate gifts/surprises from H because I've been manipulated so many times of the years. Surprise now means, H wants to do something I won't like. He'll set it up as a surprise or gift so that I can't object.
I've spent the last 20+ years being mocked about my clothes, hobbies, etc.
yesterday walking ahead! I didn't realize that was a PD type thing until someone  mentioned it here. H has actually lost me in a foreign country by doing this. I have set a boundary for that tho.
First, I never change my pace. I refuse to speak to him unless he's right next to me. I will ask him, once, politely to slow down. Then I will ignore the mocking that follows. I make sure to have phone and money with me in case I'm left behind. It hasn't really changed his behavior much. But it keeps me from sprinting to keep up.

[Hilltop]

The gifts definitely.  PDMIL would always buy gifts that she knew I wouldn't want or like.  Then she would get a weird smile on her face watching me receive it.  It was creepy.  I often thought how odd, if someone told you they didn't like oranges for eg. would you then buy them an orange tree, make an orange cake, buy them a bag of oranges, bring them a orange decorated tea towel.  No caring person would do that and yet that was my MIL.

When people buy gifts that they know you wouldn't like or have a hidden message in it such as clothing that is too large for you its a massive red flag.

Took MIL to see a musical at the theatre and bought them dinner beforehand.  It was getting near the start time so I said we should go, she got into a huff and said she wanted more food (it was a buffet) and she stalled.  She always refused to do anything I suggested. As we approached they were closing the doors, they just let us in.  She thought I was being dramatic when I said that once they closed the doors you get locked out for the first half of the show.  I remember thinking that I wished she had been locked out.  Again this type of controlling behaviour, poor time management,  massive red flag.

[SparkStillLit]

Clothes too big for me. That just happened. My mom bought these pjs in 2XL. They were way too large and she had to take them back. She buys that size CONSTANTLY. I haven't been that size in YEARS. Maybe not ever. Bottom is L and top XL because tata's. She knows this.

[Dodo]

My uocpdh talks incisively sometimes, I find it so irritating, especially when we go to bed and it takes him an hour to finish his oc routines then he hops into bed and talks, I'm so tired I just want to sleep not talk.  I was flooded with red flags when we first met but chose to ignore them.  He always is late, drives me nuts, stays in bed half the day and blame other people all the time for things that are his own fault.  centre of attentive OMG yes, needs constant praise over every bloody thing he does. Can be extremely insulting and ratty when he is slighted in the least.  Hmmmm so many things.