Difficulty Healing from NPD Partner, First Time on Out of the FOG

[Witchita234]

Hi everyone,

First off, this is my first time using any sort of forum, I am a bit nervous but thought this would be another great step to continue recovering from my relationship since going no contact. I am excited to be here.

I started dating my partner back in May of this year. We had met online and things began moving very fast for us even though I knew they were moving out of the country in the fall. On our first in person date, they confessed to having commitment issues. I then started to notice that they would "overshare" about other people they were dating, and how much time they would spend with their ex. Their ex was still a big part of their life at the time. I didn't realize these were all precursors to a sever lack of boundaries, but I felt wildly uncomfortable in these moments, but was so captivated by falling for them that I simply ignored these terrible feelings they made me feel.

I ended up repeatedly finding myself in situations where they would tell me they were rekindling with an old flame over facetime, or an ex, and I would be annoyed or upset that they chose to tell me, then I would be called sensitive, or overly emotional and it would start an argument. It seemed as though the closer me and my partner got, the worse things got. They began living with their ex when we got closer, and then I also noticed they would flirt with my friends in front of me. I was utterly embarrassed. But I allowed it for some reason, until they eventually cheated on me and then I left them. What's worse is that they told me they loved me for the first time two weeks before they cheated. I bent over backwards for this person; surprise trips, flowers for no reason, anything they wanted I tried my best to provide, and nothing ever seemed like it was enough. I was also made to feel less-than because I have an office job and this person travels a lot.

After I dumped them, they continued to try to hoover me into still seeing them, and once they realized I was not going to give in, they attempted to hurt me even further. There was never any remorse or any apologies given to me throughout the duration of our relationship for the pain inflicted on me.

My ex for some reason could never comprehend empathy for what they did, ever. They would always just say "After putting myself in your shoes, I could see how they would be hurtful" but they never really could understand the pain they caused me? This doesn't seem to be consistent with the empathy most people can hold.

I am sharing this to validate what has happened to me, not to victimize myself. I have been listening to a lot of videos, and audio books about survivors similar situations, but having a community of people who actively understand may just help me continue moving forward. I have went completely no contact and blocked them on everything to prevent further manipulation. Now they moved out of the country and it almost seems unfair that they just get to run away from all the problems they cause everywhere they go.

Thank you for reading my post, and any suggestions for continuing to recover from a situation like this would be great!

[1footouttadefog]

I  sorry you had to endure this.  Yes there are many red flags there.

I hope you heal from this and find your way  back on a path to your best possible life. 

Perhaps you might find some help sorting it all out by hanging out here and reading other stories and telling your own as you participate in the discussions.

I also recommend the toolbox portion of this website and forum. 

Figuring out why you chose to ignore the bad feelings, abusive behaviours, and red flags will be a possibly painful process but will bring great healing and resilience with it.

Be strong and practice self care.

[stormbrewing]

Hello from another new member.

Now they moved out of the country and it almost seems unfair that they just get to run away from all the problems they cause everywhere they go.

I think this is pretty typical of most PDs - they don't experience consequences from their behaviour, we do. I hear and feel your anger at this injustice in your post. One thing that has really helped me with the anger was to write, write and write. I journal, write or type letters to him that will never be sent, type honest responses to txt messages in my phone notes, then delete them and give a single word answer, if an answer is required at all.

There is a lot of experience in this forum, and a lot of hard-won wisdom. 1foot made a very good point - the work of trying to figure out why we ignored our gut feelings and red flags is where the healing happens.

Glad you're here.

[blew]

It's hard, but this is a good life lesson.  Don't ignore those niggling little issues at the start of a relationship.  They are warning bells.  Next time, you'll know.  And having come here, you can read a bit and be aware of other signs that might indicate your next partner has issues as well.

Finally, be VERY happy that you got out while the getting was good.  Many people here have years or decades of dealing with PDs of one sort or another.

Chalk it up to bad luck and move onward and upward.  Don't overthink it!