criticism from spouse for going LC with PD parents

[desertpine]

Last night I tried to talk with my spouse about how sad and hurt I feel about going low- contact with my parents, how there hasn't been any contact for a couple of months. I have been hoping my uNPD mom would apologize or at least acknowledge that she really made a mess of things by going on a smear campaign when she felt disrespected by something I said.  I know she isn't capable of taking personal responsibility for things she screwed up - things are always someone else's fault, not that big of a deal or shouldn't matter because she didn't know better. 
I felt myself get more emotional and triggered by my husband's responses. It's baffling to me that after I said how sad I felt about not hearing anything from them in months, he started to tell me what my mom had posted to social media. As the conversation continued, I felt myself become more angry and hurt because I needed validation, empathy. But to him, conversations are about taking turns verbalizing your theory of things and your own experience that relates.  So, I gave my 'theory' about my folks - that my mom can't take personal responsibility and has discarded me since I am not a source of fuel for her anymore. Then he says how he's not so sure about that, that he doesn't know her motivations and that he thinks she doesn't know what to do yet. Furthermore, that he wasn't so upset by her behavior but rather found my sister's behavior more troubling.
I became defensive as I felt so invalidated. He made a couple of patronizing comments about how is must be hard for me.
It's like gaslighting - his telling me that the way I see things isn't the way it is and that I'm being too negative or dramatic or critical or something. Honestly, it gets to the point that I don't care about his perspective - I just want to be heard, validated, and cared for because I'm hurting. It didn't happen to him - it happened to me. 2 months ago I was on the receiving end of the hate mails and guilt trips from my parents and sister, not him. I feel bad about discrediting his opinion but it was hurtful and felt dismissive to me. And I don't know how to get the support from him that I was looking for by telling him how I was feeling and what was on my mind.
I don't think he has much of a capacity for empathy. And we have different agendas when it comes to conversations.
But it seems like it is also part of a culture that idealizes parents and discourages people from speaking ill of their parents, setting boundaries  like NC or LC with toxic parents. Especially as the holidays come around, it's so painful to endure the pushback about not visiting parents or talking to them - like I'm being a 'bad' daughter, vilifying them.
I'm wondering how folks with PD parents get support from their spouses/partners? Do others get the same kind of pushback or criticism from partners who just don't understand the importance of strong boundaries with toxic parents?
When I told him I think my mom is a covert narc - he just gave me this look that said 'now, now honey. don't be so dramatic. you shouldn't say such mean things about your mom. tsk tsk' His words were like..." I don't know about that. She is just... " "And I don't know what her motivations are right now, so I can't say if she's really doing this to be hurtful."
just needing some support today - this stuff is so hard!

[SunnyMeadow]

Desertpine, I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband. That's got to be hard to live with.

I've actually told my husband that I need his support as my partner, not him trying to fix things. My dh wants to jump in a "Fix" stuff so we can get over it quickly. The thing is there are many things that he can't fix and I don't want him to fix. My mom is one of them. His reaction is dump her! Stop talking to her all together. It's not quite that easy for me.

I wonder if you told your husband exactly what you think of his reactions, if he'd change them? I don't think it's a bad thing to tell him you just want him to listen and give comfort without him thinking of the other side (your parents side). You are looking for support and partnership not him talking about your mom's posts or looking like he's taking them into consideration more than you.

This stuff is hard! I can see why you're feeling triggered by his responses.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, desertpine, this is hard and I am sorry for what brings us all here. You are not alone though. As for how I get support from my spouse, I asked him to support me by trusting my thoughts about my parents and to let me do what I needed without him trying to fix it or intervene. I told him I was not asking him to understand and I was not going to bring him up to speed on 30 years of my life before he even knew me. He agreed and was probably just as happy to stay out of it.  I also asked that if my parents called him to tell my family he was remaining uninvolved per my request. Basically, I asked  him to support my right to make my own decision. So far, he has.   
   
My family has indeed called him directly several times. A couple times my dad left him a voicemail asking him to call back but not to tell me about it. My sister has had her husband and daughter contact my husband. I am aghast at their lack of boundaries and disregard for me, but my husband remained out it.  Actually, I think it has been easier on me without him in this circus and it helps make our world together more peaceful. There might not be one-size-fits-all.  Maybe we only find our way by trying different approaches and then just keep doing what works best.
   

[Duck]

It is very painful to me that people close to us have trouble understanding our situations.

Two decades ago when I brought my husband home for the holidays for the first time, my mom, sister and I gave him full disclosure about my PD dad and what he would be getting into. My husband thought we were exaggerating because, as he put it, everyone exaggerated about their parents. My dad at that time could mask his disorder for guests with a charming, jovial persona.

It took a long time, but my husband eventually gained some understanding. If he were writing here, he would say that when he met me, he believed family must stick together no matter what, but he doesn't believe that anymore.

I do think it is planted deep within our culture to revere parents and place family as a high priority.

For some reason, it is hard for people to understand our family situations. Some posters have said they do not discuss these matters in real life for that reason, only on this forum. Real life support is best, but you can always come here and we will understand what you are talking about.

I am sorry you did not feel supported by your spouse.

[athene1399]

I am so sorry you are going through this with your parents and then did not get the support you wanted from your husband. Maybe let him know when you vent about your parents you just want him to listen and validate what you say and that you just want to hear heard.

I think my SO at first thought I was exaggerating about my FOO and now he gets it. He's even said that he couldn't imagine making his daughter feel the way my parents have made me feel. I think for some people the PD behavior is so opposite of what they expect they have a hard time accepting it. Sometimes if it doesn't happen to you you just don't think it happens. Or can't believe that it does.

And if your husband continues to not support you as you want him to, is there a friend or someone else you can get the support from?

[Danden]

Unfortunately, I have seen that my husband, like most other people, just doesn't get it.  We don't talk about it too often, and he doesn't get involved. 

"Sometimes if it doesn't happen to you you just don't think it happens. Or can't believe that it does."

Or, you don't understand it because it is not your experience of life.  If you had parents who loved and valued you, can you really understand what it feels like if your parents did not love and value you?  Most of the time, our level of empathy for those who do not share the same experience will have degrees.  The closer to our experience, the easier it is to find empathy, and the more empathy there is to be found.  And the more different our experiences, the more difficult it is to find a meaningful degree of empathy. 

I can have some understanding of what it feels like to be homeless and poor, but I have never been homeless and poor, so my understanding is limited.  I can only support that person in the best way I can, and there will surely be gaps to be filled by others who can do things I cannot do.

[desertpine]

Thank you all for your kind words. When I felt calmer, I talked to him about how I felt and what I needed from him. He seemed to listen and take it in. After he had some time to think about it, he realized that he's been in denial about the reality of my family.  He doesn't want to believe parents and siblings could be as cold, manipulative and awful as mine have been. It's easier and more comfortable to believe that I'm being dramatic. So, he is working on being more empathetic and he's trying out some things I suggested - like just sit next to me and hold me, or say that he is sorry that this hurts so much, etc.

At times like this, I am thankful to have 'proof' of the things they've said. I've kept letters and printed off emails to show him that I'm not making this stuff up. But it's still hard to really accept the reality that a parent would repeatedly treat her own child so badly and care more about maintaining her grandiose image, than repairing the harm she caused.  Feeling thankful for those who 'get it' and glad that my spouse is trying to understand.

[Hilltop]

I am so sorry you are going through this and didn't get the support you needed.  I think its really hard for others who haven't been through this to understand and believe it.  Its good that you talked again and he listened.

[athene1399]

Desert pine,

It sounds like the talk with your H went well. I hope that next time you vent to him he is able to give you the support you need.

[Duck]

I am so happy your talk with him went well!

[Poppy]

Wow well done in communicating that so we'll! And kudos to your husband for trying to understand. It IS hard to fathom and might take time. But this sounds like a great start. I'm happy for you!!

[LemonLime]

Oh Desert, this sounds familiar.
My husband tries somewhat to understand about my uPD sib.  But he just can't, I guess because he hasn't experienced it.
A few weeks ago I was drawing parallels between the behavior of a certain "leader" in my country and my uPD sib.   I noted that my sib is a "mini version" of said leader.   The put-downs, the victimhood, the gaslighting, the projections.   All out front for all to see, and most people can see that this leader is a malignant narcissist.   And my sib does all these things but on a much smaller scale.
I thought this would be obvious to my hubby but he was surprised that I see my sib as a narcissist.  And he was going to argue with me about it.

I have had to very boldly and frankly tell him that this is not a subject for back-and-forth debate.  I know what I know and he does not know it.
I think he is grateful that I tell him exactly what I need from him now.  Hugs, support, that's IT.   I do NOT value his contribution to this particular subject.  It's harsh but it's what works for us.