New and Confused- A handful of PD friends

[Sapling]

Hi there,

I'm not sure where to begin so I'll just  work my way backwards: My flatmate moved out a few months ago and I started spiraling into feelings of intense anger and disgust. It wasn't the fact that he'd moved out during a pandemic when I was unemployed, leaving me to pay full rent at a time when people weren't really moving around (and that he was obviously not the friend I thought he was). It was the fact that before he moved out, he basically changed his whole personality, right before my eyes. He got a new GF and completely changed his views and politics within the span of about 3 months.  I read from the ToolBox that this sort of thing is called "masking".  I found it creepy to watch and noticed that, after he left when people came by to see the place I felt really anxious about getting another person in because I was scared they would just change personalities on me too.

I met this flatmate through a close friend of mine. Since he moved in, because they used to be lovers, I learned a few things about this friend too, that I found disturbing, but not disturbing enough to cut her out. Primarily, I realized that she gives him a different version of events to what she gives me, even in circumstances where it would be easier to just tell the truth. She also did weird things like invite mutual friends out and not include me, or ring me up and tell me an emotional story about her family and then totally be over it within days, or withholding information about her life and letting me find out through other people. The most upsetting thing she did was that she would use therapeutic language to paint me as someone who oversteps boundaries when, in fact, I was behaving within the bounds of our relationship eg. if I talked about my problems she would say she felt "emotionally dumped on" or when I asked her for help she would say yes but then later say she felt "trampled on" and "unseen". I found this extremely hurtful especially because I have done a lot for her in the past and have really listened and helped her with her problems. It also made me really angry because this person comes from a very privileged background, is quite beautiful, has money etc and yet insists on playing Cinderella. Again, this is extremely hurtful as I have not enjoyed the same privileges she has enjoyed and it angers me that she does not see this.

I have been talking to a good therapist about these events, among other things. The therapist said that while she didn't want to go into a diagnosis of my friends, some of their behavior is consistent with the PD behavior. I of course googled the hell out of PD and came to the possibility that while I don't know what went on with my flatmate I think my friend may have HPD.

And now, the last and part of the story. I met this person through a sibling. In our family, we are the closest in age and interest and we share the same social circles. But this sibling has a history of codependency, drug addiction and also uses therapeutic language to manipulate me. I keep thinking they will grow out of their behavior but it never seems to happen. They do get better life skills, but their emotional maturity and their ability to take responsibility for themselves remains stunted (even though we are all basically middle aged now). I think this sibling might have DPD (at least). I cannot be sure but ever since my therapist talked to me about PD I can see how so much of their behavior could be linked to DPD. I love them very much but I am eternally waiting for a growth that never seems to happen. Even my other siblings have tried to tell me that this person may never change but I used to put it down to the larger age gap between those siblings and us. My therapist said that sometimes people with PD can get together and get some of their needs met by each other in unhealthy ways.

I feel stunned by this possibility but I also feel relieved. The PD picture fits all the crazy behavior I've witnessed around me over the last few years. After my flatmate moved out, I decided to go "Medium Chill" on all of them. I am joining this forum because, while I'm trying to make new friends and connections, I just need to know that I'm not crazy. I have been overexposed to PD traits over the last few years and even though I know I can have friendships and close relationships with NonPD people, these interactions have shaken me to the core because they seem to have crept up on me without my knowing. I'm thankful to have a good therapist but I am struggling with loneliness and a discomfort that I don't even have language for yet.

[bloomie]

Hi there Sapling... You are not crazy... you are not crazy... you are not crazy... and you are not alone in wondering if you are!

Welcome! I am so sorry you have need of the forum, but grateful you have found it and made your way to the toolbox already. Great self care choice in reaching out as you are restructuring some important relationships and sorting through all you have been through.

What has helped a lot is to focus on traits and behaviors that I consistently encounter in loved ones and then to build boundaries and a skillset for myself that allows room around me to flourish and grow, but that also holds true to my core values and what I have chosen works for me and doesn't work for me.

I can so closely relate to the intense loneliness and angst that comes as we make new choices and engage or disengage differently with established relationships that mean a lot to us. Especially a sibling.

Don't doubt for a minute the difficulty of coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt that relationships with disordered people can bring up. It is the toughest, and at times is still, the most lonely journey. And yet I am ever so thankful I am on it. 

Keep reading, soaking up the info here and making good use of the other online resources and book recommendations you will find listed.

Seeing my own familiar, yet different, experiences as others share here - complete strangers with similar stories - though very sad, has been validating and a great help to me as I have made my way forward.

I hope you find your time here to be enriching and empowering. Sharing makes a heavy load just a bit lighter. I look forward to supporting you and seeing you out there on the boards!

[Sapling]

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate you reflecting back to me that I am not crazy (!) for seeking out support over this. It is going to be a long journey unpacking the relationship I have with my closest sibling and the ways in which certain PD traits seemed so normal to me that I did not realize I'd been gathering people around me who are similar. Thank you for sharing some of your own journey. I already feel less alone.