Just diagnosed

[madprimer]

I'm a 53 year old male. Recently I had a event happen that cause me to seek professional counselling.  I was told that I suffer from rumination and the "push / pull effect " a personality disorder that I've had since early childhood. I never knew why I would get thrown into bad moods for no reason or the pettiest things. It would take hours, days or weeks for me to cool my thoughts down to see what was actually done or said, and the end result was always me over-reacting to nothing. Most of the time it was always when my feelings were hurt by something that was or wasn't said.  I would shut down emotionally and act out to push people away, sometimes to a point of not being able to repair the friendship and leaving them perplexed.
  Relationships were always difficult for me to maintain. I could never figure out what anyone sees in me to want to date. My self-esteem has always been very low unless I'm drunk.
   Recently I met a terrific girl and my PD sabotaged the relationship to a point of being unrepairable. I never trusted her and thought she had a ulterior motive for dating me. I pushed her away both mentally and physically. I'll regret my words and actions for the rest of my life.
  I've improved tremendously since talking to a therapist, everyday I'm working on my ruminating habits and with internet, I'm watching and listening to "building self-esteem" videos.
  Now that I am aware of the disorder, I can recognise when my mood swings and take the necessary steps to avoid the "rabbit hole".  It's a struggle but everyday is a little better. One regret is not getting help sooner. seems that I wasted a lot of my life living in the fog.  Today is the beginning of my new life with new adventures and friends.

[xredshoesx]

Hi madprimer and welcome to Out of the FOG -

Because you have identified yourself as someone who suffers from a personality disorder,  we want to make sure you're aware of a couple of things as you settle in.

Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

Thanks for your understanding, and again Welcome to Out of the FOG.