Trying to get it to sink in!

[losingmyself]

Just a short story...
Last night H was texting his friend, (one of few he has) and he stepped away, and his phone went off, and this is the exchange we had;
Me: you got a message
H: what does it say?
Me. I don't know, he's talking to you, not me
H. you can read it, I don't have secrets, I don't hide anything from you. ( in an accusing voice, like YOU do)
Me: It's not hiding things or secrets. People are allowed to have private conversations, it's not a bad thing. I don't have to know every word you say.
H: (nothing)
So it would be great if he was to learn anything from that, ie that it's a basic human right to have a private conversation, but I doubt it.
The next time I talk to DD, he'll insist I recount the entire conversation. Someone here used the term 'information diet' when talking about her, I'll use that. I also delete most of our texts, that way when he opens my phone and reads them in the middle of the night, there's not much there.
Does anyone have any ways to deal with this?

[notrightinthehead]

You were in danger to get into JADE there, lucky for you he was silent.
Personally, I don't like it when people tell me that my phone rings. I usually know that and choose not to answer, or not to read a text immediately.
It sounds like you want to teach your h to be less curious about your interactions with others. Does it bother you, that he looks at your phone at night? Could you protect it with a password that he does not know? What happens if you tell him you do not want to tell him about something? Will he accept that it is your personal preference to not share everything with him?

[losingmyself]

Notright, yes, I might have gotten myself into a serious circular conversation, there.
I told him that his phone went off because he was in another room, and he's the kind of person who sends a text, then stares at his phone until he gets a response.
It bothers me that he looks at my phone, then makes little off-hand comments about things I said in a conversation to someone else.
I feel a little violated, I guess.
If I locked it, he would have a fit, and there would be no peace until I showed everything to him, and then unlocked it.
Therefor, I delete delete delete.
The only single reason I would not want to share everything with him would be because I'm hiding something. Because I have secrets, so I wouldn't be able to tell him that I don't want to share everything.
I just want him to understand that people have a right to a private conversation. But that's not going to happen, I guess, so I have to just live with it.

[losingmyself]

He asks me every single day when I get home if I talked to anyone today.
I won't lie, so then I have to listen to what a disappointment DD is, and how lazy she is and blah blah blah. If I did speak to her that day.
I wish I could just say "no, didn't talk to anyone"
But that would be a lie.
Also, if he texts with DS, he tells me and my response is "Oh, that's nice" Not "What did he say??"
I don't know. maybe I'm just venting. I feel so controlled.
There's a song by Metallica that we both like, for different reasons. One part of the chorus is 'Love is control, I'll die if I let go"
I'm surprised that doesn't hit a nerve with him, or maybe he's like, "Yeah, James understands"
I find it a song about learning to let go of control or you kill everything, but you can't.
Good song.
I think H actually feels that love is control

[notrightinthehead]

the way you describe it, it sounds like your h makes the rules and decides how your relationship is, and you have to fit in. Your wishes and expectations are not taken into consideration.

[losingmyself]

Yes, although I am trying to get better. I am such a people pleaser, and it's easier to just change myself and go along with his wishes. I always go with the path of least resistance. That's on me.
He tries to hide it by asking me 'permission' questions, especially through text where it's recorded. For instance, yesterday he said he was thinking about going to have coffee with his dad, and I said that his dad would like that, and he texts back, "So....can I ???" I said "You're a grown man, do whatever you want"
Then he didn't have a good day yesterday, so when I got home I got yelled at about 10 little things that I did wrong...
I don't understand this, either. So, he'll be just all riled up and pissed off, yell at me, face all red, toss things around, then, he'll all of a sudden be all sweet and talking in a singing voice, and lay on the sugar. All while I'm trying to hide the tears running down my face.
I am not allowed to have feelings.

[notrightinthehead]

You are very much allowed to have feelings. You might just want to learn to bear that other people do not approve of your feelings. That does not make them wrong. In fact it is good for you if you respect your own feelings.

[blunk]

My phone was a huge thing with my bpdxh. He felt that he should have access to it whenever he wanted. I, on the other hand, never cared about looking at his phone...except that he did have one game on there that I liked to play LOL.

I did the same as you, I would delete anything that I didn't feel he needed to see, especially if I spoke to my support circle about him. Eventually, he started logging onto our cell provider's website to compare the number of texts sent with the number that were saved. It then became a huge deal that I deleted them...and of course the accusations of cheating.

On one occasion, he worked overnight, and asked me to set his alarm in the morning before I left for work. It was then that I found out he had several email addresses that I did not know about, which he was using to reply to personal ads on Craigslist. He insisted that he had only sent messages and had never met anyone. And suddenly I knew why he was accusing me of cheating.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it is a terrible feeling not to have any privacy. I'm also sorry that I don't really have any advice. In my case, I knew that it was never going to change, which is only one of the reasons that I knew that I had to divorce him.

[Kat54]

I have a thing with phones and peoples privacy. My ex said I was hiding things, I was secretive, and maybe I did only because he would bark at me for talking to this person or that one, being controlling. So I would also delete texts, which he caught me doing one time and he went crazy. And that thing with following peoples location, he wanted all of us to do that, which I refused. Before cell phones there was none of that, and why does he have to know everywhere I go? He would call me and ask me why I was at the grocery store for so long, so I would get anxiety for being away for too long a time.
Yes, its easy to go with the flow if thats what is best for you. But you are an individual and have a right to some privacy if you feel you need it; everyone deserves their privacy. And I also knew he would not change, among many other issues.
Its funny today, my daughter can follow my location on my phone, and I have no issue with it as I live an hour away from her. But she isn't controlling and doesn't judge or is abusive, it keeps us close. I don't check where she is ever.

[losingmyself]

I tried to text DD last night, just to touch base. I had to read every word to him, and he would sit next to me and say "What'd she say?? What'd she say?? What'd she say??"
This went on while I was typing, or waiting for a reply. "Did she find an apartment yet? Let me guess, she hasn't looked" I think I said something like "I'm trying to have a conversation here" To which he replied "Well you never tell me anything.." Poor victim. He finally stopped because I think even he understood how irritating he was being.
I cut the conversation short, and said we'd talk some time. When he's not around.
GOOD LORD
" You might just want to learn to bear that other people do not approve of your feelings." notright, how do I do this? And is that just supposed to be ok?
I find it sad to imagine not being able to share in someone's joy, or sadness, and to not understand how words hurt. It's just such a part of being a human that my heart breaks for people who can't feel it.
Do they feel anything other than hatred, jealousy, anger, contempt, etc?
When people I love are happy, that actually brings joy to my heart. That is something that makes me happy, no matter my situation. He doesn't feel that.
I guess he does feel for other people, my cancer diagnosis was a hit for him, and his friend is sick, and I believe that he's genuinely concerned about him. 
Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for the advice everyone