Waify voice mail

[wisingup]

Woke up yesterday to a vm from ubpd mom.  In a very dramatic, tragic voice she asked me to call her.  I responded via text with "Got your message - what's up?"  She has not responded to the text.  This is how it goes each time.  She wants phone calls.   Usually, she interrogates me and then heads off into a monologue of her personal problems and mean-spirited gossip.  During and after the call I am anxious and upset, which she is oblivious to.

If she had left a light, pleasant vm I probably would have called her back.  But when she works herself up into crisis/drama queen mode, there is no way I can walk into that lion's den.  Trying to hold out this time.  If something is truly "up" she will text me back or I'll hear from my brother.

[Starboard Song]

That makes sense.

It sounds like you've etablished a boundary. You do not engage in drama conversations. And you trust that if the drama is real, she or a third-party will let you know. And your text is open and inviting, so there is nothing rude there.

Reviewing our own actions like a referee this way can give us confidence in the rectitude of our choices. And that can give you strength to respect your own needs for peace.

Be ever so strong, and good.

[Hepatica]

This type of behaviour runs through the father's side of my family. Drama Queen behaviour (from the men too) and in-fighting. It seems to have two components I can think of. Firstly, they can't self-soothe and second they seriously feed on chaos like it is an addiction. Even when it isn't good for them they keep creating it and they love to spread it around.

It's not our job to soothe another person, esp. one that has a history of taking advantage or abusing us. I like how you are gently nudging her on her way and taking care of yourself.

I think it's smart that you respond in text. That's a respectful boundary and if your mom doesn't like that, too bad. She does not need to bring you down because she cannot manage her own life and emotions.

Keep doing what you're doing. Back away and don't engage.

[Sneezy]

If something is truly "up" she will text me back or I'll hear from my brother.

Yes, if it truly urgent she will text or call back again.  As Hepatica noted, PDs have trouble with self-soothing.  My mom will sometimes get so anxious/bored/antsy/whatever that she will just start calling people.  And whoever answers is "it" and has to listen to the drama and the gossip.  So I will often let her calls go to voicemail and then listen to the message before deciding if and when to call or text back. 

Don't ever feel compelled to answer the phone or call back right away.  In a true emergency, your mom can call 911, and everything else can wait until (or if) you want to contact her.

[wisingup]

Thanks all.  Yes, the inability to self-soothe has always been an issue - thanks for giving me a name to attach to it.   I played this role for her from my teens onward, always with enormous damage to my peace of mind which she either doesn't realize or doesn't care.

Before I came Out of the FOG, I would call her pretty frequently out of obligation.  The incident that drove me to this site & the start of coming Out of the FOG was one day when I had to work myself up to call her & she answered with a very hostile "who is this?" which was her way of telling me that it had been too long since my last call.  That kind of popped my eyes open, like "this sucks, why would I keep doing this?"