what is this behaviour called? changing the topic of an argument & confusion

[leopardleo]

I have suspected for a while that my boyfriend has either BPD or NPD. He is incredibly difficult to be around, and I often feel like everything I do is wrong. I have had very bad relationships in the past, and always have been a "people pleaser" who finds it extremely difficult to set boundaries, express my feelings or even know what my needs are. I very much prioritise my relationship(s) and want to avoid conflict at any cost. I have and never would initiate a breakup, regardless of behaviour because I fear being on my own.

He announced very early on in the relationship that he didn't have any empathy, and he feels awkward when people are upset around him. There's too much background to list, but basically the relationship started with me being his soulmate/amazing to being called manipulative and selfish about 4 months into the relationship. It was like being pushed off a pedestal.

Everything we've ever argued about has been because he prolongs it with silent treatments and so much drama that I always end up apologising, and even forgetting what we're arguing about. He has a way of shifting the discussion to any one of my (many) flaws and in the moment I genuinely feel like he is telling the truth.

Most recently has been an issue about social media.

My boyfriend always makes this point of not watching porn. Probably because his ex didn't like it or something. I don't have an issue with it, and wouldn't mind if he did.

He also mentions continuously that he doesn't like provocativeness. He is quite shy, and we don't really talk about sex (if that makes sense?)... it's amazing when we're having sex, but he wouldn't ask for pics of me when we're apart or do like dirty talk etc. He has said in the past "relationships shouldn't be based on lust" etc etc.

He also mentions how much he hates it when girls post "provocative" pictures on instagram. He mostly follows athletes etc., but has unfollowed female athletes if they upload selfies etc. He showed me pictures one of his close friends uploaded, where she is in her underwear doing like an empowered thing about body image, and said it was "too much" and "embarrassing" .... I thought she looked quite nice, and thought it was weird he pointed it out. He said "I would never like pictures like that, I think they're weird"

He is pretty active on instagram, as he gets sponsored by athletic companies for his content. He said he uses it for this purpose. He used my iPad to take a picture of us both after a workout over the weekend, and uploaded it to his account. Today, I go back on the ipad, and the first image on the homescreen is a selfie of a girl with her (pretty nice) tits basically out. And it has been "Liked".

I logged out and wasn't going to say anything as I'd be accused of snooping.

Eventually I text "Sorry to invade your privacy like this, but your ig was still signed in on my iPad and I saw you like **XXXX'**s selfie. I'm just a bit confused because I didn't think you'd like things like that? I remember you said with your friend the other week"

He basically ignored me for 3 days, despite me ringing and apologising. He then said I was "a manipulator" and someone who "makes him feel guilty". He said he uses ig like that to get likes from all these accounts ... which is fine I guess, because it's ig... but why say that stuff about not like it??

I am now getting called manipulative and accusatory and saying I am ruining things between us... He has said he is not ready to talk about it, and needs to focus on other things in his life without the drama I have created. He has now started saying that I have ruined and sabotaged the relationship and looking for reasons to make him feel guilty.

He has also said to me that he was "certain" I was his soulmate, but the last few weeks have put so much uncertainty into his mind, he doesn't think that anymore. He said the "stark issue is that we're not as enmeshed as we used to be" - the  conversation went on for 2 hours until we weren't even talking about the instagram thing anymore.

I tried to tell him why the instagram thing upset me, but after I said I feel insecure about my own body and felt unattractive he said "yeah, yeah, we know all this".

He always ends conversations without a conclusion or clarity of situation and he has left me hanging basically, wondering what it means for our relationship. He is now giving me another silent treatment & ignoring my attempts at any further conversation.

I don't even know who is in the wrong anymore - but it feels like I am being punished and maybe my insecurities have ruined things?

What is this behaviour called? And what do I do?

[Hazy111]

Abusive.  End it .  At least hes honest , he doesnt have "empathy" .

Move on and first ask yourself some serious questions about yourself and why you are attracted  to someone like this in the first place, so as to stop making the same mistake again and again.

This part can be quite painful and takes time. No one likes to see themselves as they really are.  Good luck.

[GettingOOTF]

You are describing abuse. You are also describing a man who has serious issues with women.

For your own safely I would end this relationship. Behaviors like this escalate and there has been a lot written on how men who go on to kill their partners share these views and behaviors around women.

I strongly recommend reading “Why Does He So That?” by Lundy Bancroft. He explains a lot of what you mention here.

I’d also encourage you to stick around here. Learning why I ended up with men like this changed my life so much for the better.

Men like this do not change. Men like this always escalate. The one certainty in any abusive relationship is escalation.

I know it’s hard and it feels like you have so much invested, but I was in my 40s before I finally left. I lost out on so much, including being able to have a family, because I stayed and hoped an abusive man would get better. I blamed myself and insecurities and I stayed stuck. I consider myself lucky that I got out alive.

[tommom]

leopardleo, please, please take the advice of the people here who have lived through what you are living through now.  My two cents? End it. As soon as you can. This is not going to go well for you.

Also agree with GettingOOTF's suggestion of Bancroft's "Why does he do That?" Awesome book. If you haven't read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that is amazing as well.  Please keep coming here and please be careful.

[SeaBreeze]

Agreed with the other commenters above that this is abuse. You've described the first several years of my marriage before I came Out of the FOG, one now only maintained by my using the tools while I quietly plan my exit.

It sounds like your partner is perpetrating the abuse (and sowing confusion) with circular arguments, gaslighting, crazy making, possible word salad, and then punishing you afterward with silent treatment. In turn, it sounds like you are falling into the circular arguments by JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) , but the problem is a PD will never compromise and certainly never concede; they argue to win, plain and simple.

When you are the one left feeling guilty, and apologizing to him afterward, when you know you weren't necessarily wrong? That is part of the co-dependent process. If you are left exhausted, both mentally and physically, that is trauma from abuse. I would suggest working on an exit strategy; in the meantime, if you're not in a position to leave (one I fully understand because I am still married to my PD abuser) then I would suggest reading the entry on JADE as the first place to start exercising the tools. Perhaps it can help you see more clearly, and spare you the grief (notice I say spare YOU grief, not him) of getting sucked into his exhausting swirl of circular arguments. Such arguments don't really resolve anything and only serve to further his abuse of you.

Hugs to you for needing to come here in the first place, but I am glad you found us. 

[Deluded]

I agree with previous comments. And good for you for having such insight. You are clearly intelligent and articulate and deserve so much better.

[D.]

How great that you reached out here.  What a messy and confusing reality.  I just want to add that whatever you decide to do, stay or end the relationship, you will continue to have support and understanding  here.  And as to what to do... I'd suggest take all the ideas, recommendations, etc here, pay very close attention to your own heart, head and body.  Then take action from a place that is only you, true to you.

[Hilltop]

Please leave the relationship, it's abusive.  He was dismissive of you and deflects during conversations. He also blames you a lot, these are all abusive qualities. He is also giving you mixed messages by saying one thing and then liking the picture, he is not being truthful with you. 

You should be able to communicate in a relationship and yet he shuts you down and you end up apologizing even when you did nothing wrong.  You asked a simple question to understand and he gave you the silent treatment.  You are articulate and sound very intelligent, you can do much better.  He is hooking you in by saying you are his soul mate but would a soul mate not speak to you for 3 days because you asked a simple question about liking a photograph - No.