DPD Sister

[Sapling]

Hi everyone,

I've just had to disentangle myself from a complex situation with multiple PDs (one of whom is my sister) which I am trying to unpack now. I have three siblings, the oldest in their 40s and me and my sister in our thirties. My sister is the baby and we are the closest in our family. We have been very close all our lives sharing friends and social circles while my two older siblings sort of did their own thing. There have been times in my life where I have thought of her as my best friend and closest confidant. We have, however, had a very tumultuous relationship that I have always thought of as something she/we will grow out of. She has had problems with addiction and codependency since she was 13 and I put a lot of her behavior (selfishness, self-involvement, manipulative communication, hypersensitivity to criticism, a total allergy to accountability) down to issues to do with her past addictions. I was the high-achieving 'hero' of our family and have, in the past, acted almost like a surrogate parent (I know this is not healthy) telling her off and what not, and playing the angry parent. I am trying really hard to NOT do that, and to just keep my distance until I have learnt a different way of interacting with her when I am upset or angry.

Recently, I've had some very unpleasant interactions with a mutual friend of ours who I think (but cannot be certain) has HPD. When I've voiced the problem with my sister, she basically gas-lit me and told me that I'm easily offended. She acts like a wounded child if I ever express my own hurt or anger about the ways in which I am mistreated by this mutual friend. I know that she knows what I am saying is true but she doesn't want to give up that friend and I feel deeply betrayed and hurt. I also realise that the cycles our relationship goes through, of being friends for a while and then her going off on her own (usually with some codependent friend), is possibly not going to change. My other siblings have told me that I need to "stop being her mum" as they put it, and stop spoon feeding her what is and isn't the right thing to do. They have been supportive (and realistic) about the whole situation and were not shocked by the suggestion that our baby sister may have a PD. They both saw it as a natural outcome of us being raised in a very authoritarian, controlling family environment (!)

What I am struggling with right now is an intense amount of anger towards both my HPD friend and my sister.  I mean, a LOT of anger. They also seem to have teamed up together and I feel angry and betrayed. When I talked to my therapist about it, the conversation led me to believe that my sister may have DPD. It fits with the picture of her never being able to be on her own and basically manipulating people around her into looking after her and helping her do things she should be able to do on her own by now. I also worry that I am being super judgemental and that I am the controlling one who wants her to be something that she is not. I feel very lonely and shocked that I have spent all this time thinking we could be so close when she is not in a position to show me the kind of loyalty I would want from a real friend. Apologies if I've waffled on here; I'm still trying to get to grips with the reality of what is happening.

[notrightinthehead]

You seem clear sighted and self aware. You are in therapy already. Maybe it is time to face the reasons why you want your sister to change and why you expect from her to behave in an adult way, when you are well aware that this is not something she is willing to do at this time. I have found that once I started to accept others as they are, and work on my own co-dependency that forced me into the rescuer role, I felt more in control of my life.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I agree with Notrightinthehead. Your sister and your friends' behavior towards you is awful, I'm sorry you're going through it. But it can be empowering to accept them as they are (not the friends/family you want and need) for two reasons: it finally releases you so you can be happy. It also stops enabling their behavior and feeding the destruction of their PDs.

There will be grief. But it will get better.

[Sapling]

Thank you both for your advice. I know you are right. I don't think I understood what "accepting someone as they are" actually meant until now. I thought it meant putting up with someone, but I understand that I have to let go of the relationships I would like with both of them, and accept the reality of what is.
I am frightened of the grief, and fear that I will not be happy again. I miss the closeness and the feeling of confidence I had in our friendship.
I also have to reassure myself daily that I am doing the right thing for myself and that it is ok to let go of people sometimes without giving them a full explanation of why. (This is probably the hardest thing since I am used to explaining things to people).
Thank you for saying, "it will get better". I really, really needed to hear that.

[Hepatica]

Dear Sapling,

You do not need to justify, argue or defend how you feel to your sister. (JADE.) You need only observe deeply how you feel and imagine how  to bring yourself safety and comfort as you adjust to feelings of what I imagine are betrayal and loss.

Taking care of your own deep hurt now is learning the art of pivoting away from trying to engage with and change another person. You cannot change your sister no matter what you do or say, and all it would do is stall your healing process. But what you can do is take a good look at what you are experiencing right now and work from there.

It's ok to have a lot of anger and all the other feelings that come with feeling powerless over a situation with someone close to you. Now is the time to focus on yourself and find out more about yourself. It is perfectly ok to let go of people who bring you pain and you don't need to explain it to anyone. Even when it is your own sister.

Take some time now to look at what your siblings have told you and look closely at what it was like growing up in your family, how it affected you. What do you need to recover? This is a time for you and your healing process.

[Sapling]

Dear Sapling,

You do not need to justify, argue or defend how you feel to your sister. (JADE.) You need only observe deeply how you feel and imagine how  to bring yourself safety and comfort as you adjust to feelings of what I imagine are betrayal and loss.

Taking care of your own deep hurt now is learning the art of pivoting away from trying to engage with and change another person. You cannot change your sister no matter what you do or say, and all it would do is stall your healing process. But what you can do is take a good look at what you are experiencing right now and work from there.

It's ok to have a lot of anger and all the other feelings that come with feeling powerless over a situation with someone close to you. Now is the time to focus on yourself and find out more about yourself. It is perfectly ok to let go of people who bring you pain and you don't need to explain it to anyone. Even when it is your own sister.

Take some time now to look at what your siblings have told you and look closely at what it was like growing up in your family, how it affected you. What do you need to recover? This is a time for you and your healing process.

Thank you so much Hepatica. I have read and re-read your words because they ring so true for me. I know what I need to do now and I feel so grateful to have found people here to talk to.