How to deal with inner critic?

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I'm interested in hearing your experiences and books / things you found helpful for dealing with the inner critic that comes from a lifetime of emotional abuse.

[guitarman]

JollyJazz I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on her YouTube channel. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

She talks about her inner critic voice and realising that the voice is the voice of her abuser. She tells them to just go away, but not in a polite way. The more you do it the more they diminish. She tells them that "I am in control of me, not you. Go away."

She talks about building your self esteem by doing mirror work where you say nice, positive things about yourself every day. You give yourself permission to have a great day each morning. It's a way of reprogramming negative thinking.

Kris Godinez has a list of self help book resources on her Facebook page.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Guitarman,

Those references are great 😊
Thanks very much for that!

[athene1399]

If you choose a DBT approach, you can be mindful of the thoughts, don't judge them as good and bad, just notice they exist. I've been reading up on DBT lately but don't have any specific resources. You can probably google mindfulness for intrusive thoughts.

I have chosen a CBT route myself where I notice the thoughts, label them as criticism, and then try to replace them with a more positive thought. Like if the criticism is "why did I think I could ever do this? I suck at everything " the replacement could be "nothing comes easy to anyone; I just have to practice a bit more and it will get easier."

I guess the DBT people don't agree that every thought has a positive replacement and they think the CBT method is too judgy of the thoughts. Like in labeling them as negative. But these are both options that have worked for others. The CBT method helped me.

[guitarman]

JollyJazz something else I discovered for myself that helps is to replace "could", "should", "must" or "need to" into "want to". I calmly decide what I want to do, not what I could, should, must or need to do. That way I realise I have a choice over my actions and more autonomy. I decide what I want to do, not my inner critic voice. I have control. I am in control of me. I don't feel compelled to do anything. It relieves some of the anxiety and stress. I feel calmer and more at ease.

I have decided not to contact my abuser. I don't want to. I feel happier about that. My inner critic voice is telling me off saying that I should contact them but I don't want to, so I won't. I am putting my needs first. I don't want to be abused. I am in control, not my inner critic voice.

[guitarman]

JollyJazz I practise Mindfulness guided meditations. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach on YouTube and on her website www.tarabrach.com

We learn to become more aware and to calmly observe our thoughts non judgmentally.

[Hopeful Spine]

If you choose a DBT approach, you can be mindful of the thoughts, don't judge them as good and bad, just notice they exist.

As a person who regularly sees things as "good" or "bad" I am with you on your decision to acknowledge things as criticism and moving on.

"You will never be as fit as that girl."

If I say to myself, "now stop it!  You are a beautiful, wonderful, person with many great qualitites", it doesn't work for me.  I inherently feel "bad" for thinking the original thought.  I resent that I'm forcing myself to talk nicely to myself.  And then I don't believe myself anyway.  To me it feels like a dueling piano show.  I don't want to listen to the first voice, but it's playing a familiar tune.  I listen to the other guy and it sounds okay, but I really just want to go back to what is easy.

"You will never be as fit as that girl."

For me it works to say, "well, no.  Right now you aren't.  But she's a fierce, ripped, competition body builder and devotes her career to her body.  She's amazing.  But do you want to put in the work to get her body?  Remember?  You love cupcakes.  You work out and you are fit.  If you want to get fitter you'll have to start eating more chicken breast at lunch and add another 20 minutes to your cardio."

For me this is like a good friend stepping into reason with myself.  Let's acknowledge what we're looking at.  A career bodybuilder to  . . . a mostly fit 40 something.  There are choices here.  Regular cupcakes or lean protein?  Work out more heavily at the gym more or step off the treadmill after a reasonable amount of time and stay active in the yard?  I'm ultimately happy with my choices - I just forget that I don't have to have cut triceps to be a "good" person.  And that I can have them if I really want to put in the effort that others do.

This isn't always easy.  I struggle with comparing myself to other women all the time.  Acknowledging the strengths and successes of others helps me to realize that if I really want what I'm seeing in others - then I need to apply the work.  If I'm happy with my choices - then I need to stop and enjoy my own life more instead of looking at others.  Chiding myself a bit also reminds me that support and celebration of others is better for the soul than comparision and envy.