No matter how I do this, I'll be the 'bad guy'

[CagedBirdSinging]

I'm still trying to figure out the practicalities of getting away from pdH. I'm looking for a home for me and kids to rent but there is nothing available at the moment. It just frustrates me that he is going to play the victim when I leave; he will say i left for no reason, didnt give him a chance etc.

Last time i left without telling him, just left while he was at work and called to tell him we were gone. I found it very traumatic, hated leaving in that way, but pdH had been acting in such a crazy way, I knew I couldn't tell him I was leaving until after I'd left. At first he said he deserved it, and was so contrite, but then he started playing the victim, trying to make me feel guilty for leaving in that way. He even told the marriage counselor, who made me apologise to pdH for leaving without warning. I told counselor that I fled for my life, and had no choice! But he didnt listen.

It will be the same this time. I won't be able to tell him I'm leaving till after I have left. For safety reasons I just would not risk it. I wish I could sit down with pdh and have a rational conversation and leave amicably, but 5 years has shown that is impossible. I wouldn't take the chance.

But still I will be painted as this terrible woman who left without warning.. he will tell my kids this sob story when they are older, and it just infuriates me. It's so unfair.

[notrightinthehead]

It is bitter to accept that you have no control over your h. No control over what he thinks, what he does, what he says about you, no control how he feels about you. And the faster you accept that, the faster you will be able to focus on what you have control over - what you do.
It would be so much better if you could talk amicably about what went wrong - but if you were able to do so, you probably would not think about leaving.
It took me so many years to accept that nothing I did would change my NPDh, maybe you will be able to waste less years thinking about him than I did.
You know what you need to do and how to do it safely. Your and your kids' safety comes first. And please do not go back to that counsellor!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, CBS.  Your children are very fortunate they have a mother who has her priorities straight -- to protect them and you from harm, even if it might come at the expense of your reputation with certain people.  I hope you can find people to support you and let you know they understand why this is necessary and they're 100% behind you in leaving in a way that keeps you safe. 

Those of us on this forum know that, since PD's do not react in a normal, safe, adult way, we must take unusual actions which are the only ones that make sense under the circumstances.  I am not happy at all hearing what that marriage counselor did.  You deserve someone to help lift some of the burden off you, not add to it.    Yep, fairness is not part of the equation of having a PD in your life.  Those of us who have been scapegoated and smeared can sympathize!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks for your replies. I guess I just feel frustrated because I am trying to find the 'kindest' way of doing this. I have even thought about finding him an apartment to rent, getting the place all set up for him and then asking him to leave our family home. I'm trying to avoid him having nowhere to go. But it would be pointless. No matter how nice the place I found for him, it still wouldn't be good enough, and he would probably still refuse to leave our home. I've come to realise there is no point wasting my energy. Its better to take the power out of his hands but finding somewhere new for me and kids to rent.

I guess what freaks me out is that last time I left, he threatened suicide. He was very specific about it. He said 'when I found you were gone, the first thing I did was look for my medication and a rope.'
This terrified the living daylights out of me. He was implying that of he had take  his ow  life it would have been because of me; specifically because of the way I left.

But I just have to keep calm and keep reminding myself that I do not have a choice. If he hadn't acted in such a crazy, deranged way over the years, and if I felt I could trust him, then i would not be leaving in this manner. But as you said notright, were that the case then I might not be leaving at all!

The house hunt continues....

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry this is such a struggle, CBS.  I'm glad to hear you are not giving in to feelings of guilt which might take you off course for doing what you need to do for yourself and your kids.  Keeping that goal front and center seems to be what works.

I understand how disturbing it is to have the stbx bringing up suicide.  I dealt with this also.  I once called the police to go check on him when it got really bad. 

I am NC now, but in one of my last conversations with PDex he brought up what method he would use to kill himself.  What are the choices of the person listening to that?  Reminding him of where he can get help -- but that never did anything.  He doesn't want that.  He wants ME to be on the hook for that.  I could choose to give away my whole life to be an emotional nursemaid for someone who won't get help, and suffer the abuse and unhappiness.  Or I can move on with my life and keep him in my prayers, which is what I've done. 

I don't mean to make it sound easy.  It's anything but.  I'm sorry he's making this so hard for you.  I hope you keep checking in here.

[GettingOOTF]

It is unfair and you are right, you will be painted as this bad person.

This is one of the things that kept me stuck in my marriage for years. And it played out exactly like you described.

The thing is that now I’m on the other side I see how much other people’s options about the situation don’t matter. Everyone brings their own bias to each situation and people believe what they want to believe. Nothing you say or do will change that.

I had a friend who was married to a good looking man who everyone liked. He was fun to be around etc. My friend was very overweight. When they split up a mutual friend said to me “I knew he’d leave her. There’s no way she can keep a man like him”. Well my friend was the one who left her husband. Turned out he suffered from “depression” whxih I put in quotes because knowing what I know now he likely had a PD. She told me horrible stories that wouldn’t be out of place here.

My point is that people see what they want to see.

Years later I am no longer friends with the woman who made the “I knew ...” comment as I came to see that she was not a nice person and put all her issues and insecurities on to other people.

The friend who left the husband? She went through a really rough patch as everyone blamed her and made assumptions, but now she is truly living her best life. She moved to an awesome city, has a fabulous job, a whole new circle of friends and is doing great.

Her ex? He’s exactly where he was when she left. He ended up going back to school as he couldn’t keep a job and had an attorney threaten her with all kinds of stuff so she’d support him in school. She got her own attorney and they both did the legal equivalent of laughing in his face. Last I heard he was living off another woman. He and my ex were really good friends BTW. They do not change. The story is the same for almost every woman who leaves. It’s so hard and it sucks more than you can imagine but on the the other side there’s a life you’ve not even capable of imagining right now.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks, Looking2bfree and Gettingootf I really appreciate your understanding.

I'm not too worried about what other people will think, because really anyone who knows my H will fully understand why I am leaving. He moved here to be with me (or more likely to prove a point to his ex wife who also 'left him for no reason'), and has not made any friends. So the only people who would judge me negatively are his parents; and ironically enough they kicked him out when he was 15! So they can hardly criticise me for doing the same.

I guess l just worry about the stories he will tell the kids when they are older, but I just have to trust that they will believe me and will see through his lies. He's a Jekyll and Hyde character for sure - he has borderline pd, narcissistic pd and ocd, all diagnosed officially by a psychiatrist. On good days I can find myself thinking maybe it is all in my head... but then we hit a bad day and i remember exactly why I'm leaving.

'On the other side there's a life you've not even capable of imagining right now.'
I loved this, thank you. And you're right. I have spent 5 years focussed on his mood swings, his needs, his gaslighting.. I can't actually imagine a life where I can relax and breathe easy in my own home. I just hope it will be soon.

[clara]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I witnessed a situation like what you're describing possibly happening between your exh and your kids.

For several years I dated a guy who was a total narc with a boatload of issues (I was still in the fog, having just divorced my uNPDexh).  He had a son who he got sole custody of not because he wanted the child but because he wanted revenge against his ex for leaving him (she left him because he was cheating on her).   He then worked to turn his son against his mother, and I witnessed more than a few exchanges where he tore down his ex in  front of his son, and once I even heard the boy (still a child) refer to his mother as a slut.  Even as I was in the fog, I was still pretty shocked over the open hostility and general nastiness and blaming.   And that was just what I witnessed when I was present, I can only guess what was said when I wasn't around.

When the son was old enough to go to college, he chose a college close to where his mother lived (in another state).  Then he moved in with her, and last I heard he was still living in the same city.  He never returned here, and my now-ex, who I remained friends with for many years (since he was part of my larger social circle) was extremely bitter about the outcome.  So, I guess my point is, children are capable of making up their own minds, they can see the truth even if they don't express it.  Just because your husband says damaging things about you doesn't mean your children will believe it. 

[Medowynd]

Even when your children are older and your exh comes around with his lies, they will have had years of experience living with you and the love oyu have for them.  They will not be blind to who your exh is.  I believe that they will take everything that his says with a pound of salt and will probably limit the time that they spend with him. 

My older daughter has known for years that my exh had mental issues, but she can't give up the idea of having a relationship with him. The ex is so selfish, that he has traveled around the world, yet has never flown a thousand miles to visit her, including her college graduation.  She spends thousands every other year, taking her children to visit him.  He will spend a few hours with her, but then claims that the demands of his business take precedence.  I gave up years ago, trying saying anything about it.  Her stepfather has been very good to her and they have a close relationship.  I did get in trouble for calling the ex, Zach the Quack, in which the ex detected my fine manipulation behind the scenes.  How could I resist,  he called himself by that title for years!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thank you so much. Clara, your story made me cry (in a good way). That is so beautiful to hear that children are capable of making their own judgement, and will instinctively gravitate towards the parent who shows the most kindness. Because that's what matters at the end of the day isn't it? Truth, kindness, and being a good person really matters. I have to trust that my wonderful children will see that, no matter what lies they are told.
Thank you x