Epiphanies from hoovering and mirroring

[Out of the Rabbit Hole]

I learned a few more things from the last visit with my PD mother. I learned that there's not a pattern before the toxic behavior presents itself. It exists on a continuum. The behavior is always present and able to manifest in any given situation. It did take me two days and a bit of journaling to come to this conclusion. I guess it's better late than never. Especially, late if you count all those years gone by. I won't go into the details as I'm sure we all have similar stories.
In this last visit, she needed our help and we were able to repair her vehicle with little inconvenience to her. After going home and not understanding why I was filled with anxiety, I decided to see if I could pinpoint a pattern that would signal to me that I need to leave. I had been within the boundaries I set for myself and she still manage to get under my skin. Very slyly and just "nice" enough to be deniable.
As I made my list, I begin to realize that from the moment she contacted me to the moment we left her house the behavior was present. Then I remembered more. I guess she can say/do somethings that are so shocking that I block it out for a bit. I had to check with my husband to see if he remembered it too. I wasn't even sure she could be so cruel to her child and yet memories of the contention started to seep up from the past.
Without going into too much detail I should try to communicate the depth of it. When I was a small child my mother was selfish. She left me in a dangerous situation and something happened to me as a result of that. I kept it a secret for years. Another time she put me in danger again and I was harmed. But, that time I went to the police. Unfortunately, my parents putting me in the situation to be harmed wasn't the focus of the officers. To their credit they did catch and charge the perpetrator.
Then about a decade later I opened up to my PD mother and told her the truth for the first time. That I had been assaulted.
Well, wouldn't you know what a mother's love is?! I wouldn't. That's because my mother valued her friendship with the people responsible. They were her friends. She misses them and has known them a long time. She went so far to loop me into liking them when recanting her version of things. This last time I permitted a visit and she was doing it again. Instinctually, I quieted down and for a moment was quiet and inside myself.
Now we're back to two days later and I'm making this list when I remember. I'm stronger now. My initial reaction was to feel shocked. My husband confirmed that she casually mentioned them with no regard to my well-being. I'm astounded. I would never disregard my child's traumatic past. Then I realized that I wouldn't put my children in that situation to begin with. Then all the memories of her disregard to my traumatic past started creeping back in. Why have I put up with this for so long? It pains me. I am left with the understanding that she doesn't care that I got hurt. She simply doesn't care if I get hurt.
She likes to test those waters, to see if her revision of the past is working. I'm not a confrontational person. So, she has no clue that while I may look submissive in person, I am actually slow to react to the pain and anger that wells up inside me. As far as she is concerned, everything is okay. I don't know how much more I can take of this superficial relationship. I know that confronting her is pointless. She'll play the victim and have rage. Of which, will include gaslighting and triangulation. I'd rather just fade away. Because, you see. I've seen it all before. She likes to swap her golden child and scapegoat around. It's like play musical chairs with the roles and her children. What she doesn't realize is that we remember. My siblings and I remember the hardship we endured and are not the fools she wanted us to be.
I spend so much energy trying to make sure she feels supported and loved. Then she continues to hurt me. This is why I have boundaries. Not because, I was raised by parents who wanted their children to thrive. But, because the lack of boundaries harmed me. I literally just made those boundaries a couple of days ago. It was a survival response. I had had enough of the gaslighting and crazy making. It was hurting my body with increased stress. I'm still recovering from a migraine from the last ordeal of attempted reconciliation.
I wouldn't even be here today if the hoovering and mirroring hadn't triggered more memories. She sent me another text thanking us for help to start with. I'm aware this is a love bombing and ignore it. She then sent me three texts mirroring me. First, it's a picture of her doing something that's an interest of mine. Then, she sends another text about another hobby that she had no interest in initially but, is very vocal about it now. Then she sends a third text telling me to look up a song in a genre that she previously hated but, now likes because she heard me using it as background music and learned my husband likes that kind of music.
I suddenly remember how her liking this genre of music is unusual for her and how it creeped me out at first. Then I realize that she's mirroring me. It reminds me of how she ingrained her musical preference in me for years. When I had to process the years of abuse I actually stopped listening to her kind of music. I just couldn't stomach it for several months. I can listen to it for a bit now but, it's just not my preference anymore. I started to listen to this new music partly because, I had nothing to listen too. I started to like it. It was probably because it was so different to the music I lived with growing up. It was the first music I listened to that didn't immediately cause painful memories. I was actually enjoying music.
So, now that she had successfully roped me back in, she was paying attention. But, not in a normal healthy way when we try to understand each other. She was listening to my radio, noting my hobbies and picking what could give her the most supply. Her husband "can't believe" she likes this kind of music and she gets off on that. So it's two supply sources for the price of one. The hobby is something my brother and nephew also enjoy. Bam! Mirroring three family members at once? It must be a lucky hobby. It's almost amusing and definitely sad on multiple levels.
I was researching mirroring. Reading and watching more videos. For a few days now, I have lost my interest in the music. It almost felt like she took that joy away from me. The hobbies are bit more complex and she can't really keep up. But ,the music was not something I thought she could make me lose enjoyment in again.
It all seems so petty. I just want to do what's right. I'd like for the pain to go away. It's waves are pretty strong sometimes and I feel helpless. I realize that as long as she's clueless to my suffering then I'll stay off her rage radar, except for the triangulation (which is of little to no concern to me).
The hoovering combined with mirroring was another tipping point. I remembered the gaslighting and the pain. I remembered that she doesn't care if she hurts me or if I am hurt. I'm suddenly left wondering, why am I doing this? The only reason is to keep from hurting her. She never cared about me and even went so far as to hurt me herself. I have been so brainwashed that my only concern is for her well being when I think of her needs and support system. I'm left wondering how on earth do I still care? After all the abuse and epiphanies, I'm amazed I haven't confronted her and told her to leave me alone. Like I said before, I wish I could just fade away from it and live a quiet life. Maybe, I can. For now though, it's probably a good thing that I had these realizations.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It sounds like you made good use of the opportunity to do a reality check on how your mother really is.  I'm sorry you were put in a position to be abused.  That should never happen to any child.  And how painful for her to still deny your hurt. 

PD parents are like children themselves, so they twist and deny things in order not to admit and take responsibility for their actions or neglect.    Some of us learn to do reparenting of ourselves, knowing we never did and never will get what we need from them.  I'm glad you found us.  Let us know how you're doing.

[athene1399]

Rabbit Hole,

I am so sorry you went through what you did and that you mom brings up these people without thinking about how it must affect you.

I also have experienced childhood trauma and neglect and the few times I tried to confront my parents, more specifically M, about it, it got spun around as my fault because "I should have done x". It is so invalidating. It sounds like this is similar to your situation. I know not to confront them as they only invalidate me and make me feel worse, yet sometimes I still do. I think something drives me to make them see me, really see me and the pain they caused even though I know they can't admit to any wrong doing.

I think you are a very strong person. You sorted through the visit with your mom so you can pinpoint what was triggering your feelings. That isn't easy. Especially having to realize the toxic behavior is always there, it just might be less severe, must be difficult. It is not easy to come to terms with knowing how you would treat your child versus how they treated and continue to treat you. It's a hurtful realization, yet important IMO.

It sounds like your H is a good support. You are able to ask "did I imagine her doing this or did she really do it?" Supports help a lot, even if they just make you feel less crazy (like in regards to the gaslighting).

[Out of the Rabbit Hole]

Thank you for the supportive replies. It warmed my heart to read them. I am doing better now. I'm in the postdrome part of the migraine and recovering well. I'm just taking it easy and not pushing myself to do too much.
I'm considering blocking her phone number. A part of me thinks that if I'm guarded then staying in touch would be okay. But, there's a feeling that limited contact would be best. If I do block her, they can still get in touch with me through other contacts incase of emergencies. It would just be to not have to know about the texts. If I know about them then I feel guilty for not responding, or trapped in a game of entertaining her.
It's true that it does hurt to see how I would treat my child versus how she treats me. It's also empowering. I had the ability to see through the abusive environment and decide that I can create an healthy one. She loved to tell me how rebellious and difficult I was as a child. She hated that some part of me knew better than what she was trying to imprint on me. She hated that at a young age I knew that my life would be a never ending endeavor to be a better person, and learn more, and always look for a way to improve. She tried to make me feel stupid for saying such, but she never squashed my spirit.
I grew up hurting but, I did my research and know that I can create a loving and supportive home. So yes, it does hurt. And you are right. My husband is very supportive. He knew me before I began my healing process. His love is unconditional and it's great to know someone there will be honest about what I experience. My family wouldn't even acknowledge me speaking at family gatherings until he invited me to speak up amongst them. If we were only friends, I would have been just as glad to have met such a wonderful person. I hope that we all can find healthy, supportive family and friends. It does help a lot. Even when the only thing they can do is listen for a bit.