Just got SCREAMED at and it really got to me

[Veloter]

I've been really good at grey rock and MC, but there was an incident today that has me unglued.    My husband went to the doctor and was sent an email about his appointment.  I went into the account to verify the date (I have done this before to pay a bill).  I am at work and he is home.  He asked how I knew his appointment had changed, so I told him.  He unleashed such fury that I have not heard in a very long time.  He screamed at me for invading his privacy, being sneaky and lying to him.  An exaggeration, but ok.  Then he proceeds to tell me that I should not come home tonight, that he is going to "drag me out of the house by my hair", kill my cat, and take all the money he makes and make me beg for money.   There were other physical threats, which he has done before, but has never acted on.   He said the only way I can get back into the house is to show him my medical records so we would be even. So juvenile.  I have nothing to hide, he knows everything and it's pretty boring.    He's probably destroying all my stuff as I sit here.  It just seems like a wild over-reaction. 

He was screaming so loud on the phone I had to walk outside.  I ended up hanging up on him and turning my phone off.   I've been through this many times before, but I'm shaking and can't concentrate now.   Luckily I'm not crying so everyone at work is not aware. 

I have already apologized for invading his privacy, but it went nowhere.   Maybe this is just the out I've been looking for......

Thanks for letting me vent......

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Why is he concerned?  Is he hiding something?

[Veloter]

That's what I can't figure out.  I asked him why it was such an issue and he just has a problem with me "snooping"  which I really wasn't doing.   I admit I did more of that 20 year ago when I caught him cheating a number of times, but now I really don't care.   I don't think he's doing anything now since he's old   

[notrightinthehead]

That sounds really scary. He will kill your cat? Drag you out of the house by your hair? You are sitting at work and imagine him destroying your property? I am extremely worried about you. Do you have a safe place you and your cat can escape to? Do you have your emergency bag packed and stored where you can get to in a few seconds? The police on speed dial? Can you record such threats?
In future you might think twice before you let him know that you have checked his email. His performance would make me suspicious that he has something to hide. His reaction seems completely out of control and abnormal, there is no need whatsoever for you to apologize. But there seems to be great need to take precautions and  keep yourself safe.

[GettingOOTF]

These are horrifying threats. Men who say things like this often follow up on them. I know someone who came home and her husband had killed her cat. He hung it from the banisters on the landing so it was the first thing she saw when she opened the door.

I encourage you to put together a safety plan and to reach out to a domestic violence line.

Your husband’s over reaction and violent threats lead me to believe he has something go hide. Knowing his history of cheating he may be cheating again and getting tested and not want you to see the results. They post them to those online accounts. 

I encourage you to visit the site Chump Lady and read all you can on marriage to a cheater.

Please be safe.

[tragedy or hope]

Yikes!

How horrible that you have to be at work and get this kind of treatment. Sounds as if he will be cruel to you until he feels he is recompensed. Consider what it is worth to go home. Maybe take someone with you to gather a few things (and your cat) to stay at a pet friendly hotel at least... if not a shelter. Or just go buy new stuff for a few days. Keep away from anyone issuing personal threats.

Sounds as if he has done this before and you are so used to it, you don't see it the way others do. That's okay. Take care of yourself first. He needs to to whatever he needs to do without
being his dump station.

IMO...Stay away until you KNOW you will not be badgered. YOUR peace of mind is most important. YOU are most important. I feel for you. You MUST consider your safety and peace of mind. You will not help the "relationship" right now by saying anything. He needs to have someone to vomit on... don't let it be you. You can never be right in this... He has found something to make you feel as if he is the injured one. Reading emails is a whole lot different than personal threats. He is using abuse to hurt you, not tell you how he feels.

Always safety first. Even if he has previously made threats and not followed through... not being in his presence may be the biggest statement you can make that you will not tolerate threats.

Put it in perspective. It is an email account not his soul. You are his wife. You apologized. The rest for him... a tantrum.

[Veloter]

I agree, I think I"m numb to it after almost 40 years.     So I met a friend after work and then went home around 9 pm.  I attempted to open the garage door, which he had disabled/unplugged.  I then tried to get into the front door which he had blocked with the huge generator and a ladder.  Ok, off to the side gate.  He wrapped tape around the latch.  Now it's just getting comical, because he is a 67 year old man acting like a 3 year old.  At that point, I sent him a text that said he could either let me in or I was calling the police.    At that point, he opened the door, I went upstairs to my bedroom and locked the door.  Didn't hear a peep out of him.  Got up this morning, left early for work.    Lord only knows what fun awaits me tonight.   Oh, and also this morning when I went to use the side door of the garage, I noticed he had screwed it shut.   The lengths he went to keep me out of my house were beyond ridiculous. 

I want out so bad, but the thought of unraveling 40 years along with what would be ugly, awful behavior from him is just too daunting.  I'm so tired.

[tragedy or hope]

Ha ha ha ha ha on him. How ridiculous. But it still could be dangerous.

I hear you regarding 40 years. It has probably been good at times, which adds to the personal conflict.

Once my unpdh got into my journal. He kind of did the same stuff. I was not locked out but when I got home from work he had left my 13 year old son at home and ran to his business, never to be seen again. For awhile. I think I called him. They will not reach out to you, you must make some decisions.

Of course he is still here. Once he just got up in the morning and packed a bag... telling me he did not know when or if he would be back, and went to work.

That lasted two days. My teen sons were misbehaving so much I called him and told him he could not abandon me with his children, they were also his responsibility. it gave him and out to not look so stupid coming home.

Maybe this is something you could consider if you want to deal with him. Finding a way for him to save face after being so childish will help you more than him. You want peace, you want to be able to be home without conflict until you make up your mind. They CAN be appeased sometimes. You be the judge. It  works for me because I KNOW I am doing it, and he to me is like a mental patient.

So much drama. Please be careful. Please get some solid advice from someone who knows how to handle these things.

The money issue... you are the one who knows if he is serious. An attorney can protect your accounts from him. He's busy being foolish right now, so "anything goes."

He needs his time to be wounded. It's all about him.

My experience is that if I do not react in some way, it will get worse. Do you know what that will look like? He's probably not done getting a rise out of you.

Your lack of emotional response right now is making him crazy. Who does that?... barricade a home because of a simple perceived violation of privacy? Please be careful.

Al Anon is for families and friends of alcoholics. They have great information for YOU to take care of yourself if you want some anonymous help. No worries about whether or not you qualify. Surely you know someone whose drinking or sobriety bothers you... that makes you qualified to be a member.

Take care, make wise decisions based on your safety first.

p.s. take what you liked and leave the rest. you are in your skin, everyone else is an outside observer.

[1footouttadefog]

This indicates a lot of disbonesty. The reaction os disproportionate and anger os very often driven by guilt.

More importantly he is being very abusive and threatening violence.

Take measures to be in a safe environment.

There are so many red flags here in this story I wont name them, just know that you arw supported.  Your fears are real.

Be safe.

Also, he has cheated before and will again, because this story imdicates he has devalued you.

[Veloter]

Thanks for all your replies.   As far as my safety, I have learned over the 40 years that he is all bark and no bite.  As I have  gotten more bold as I come Out of the FOG, he knows that I could destroy his reputation.  After this incident, the next day, I just went about my business like it didn't phase me.  First reason is that I don't to blow up and give him what he wanted.  Second, I had company coming for the weekend and I didn't want him to cause a scene.  He came up to me and said, "I don't want to fight" and "please stop going through my stuff"  Yeah, right buddy.  No apology, nothing.  Every day I can't stand him even more.  And now, he just acts like nothing ever happened.