How to respond to questions about parents?

[Sidney37]

I'm conflicted about how to answer questions about how my parents are doing.  I feel like my answer should differ depending on who asks.

I've left social media due to all of this family drama, so I'm trying to catch up and restore connections with a few old and once very close friends.  I'm having old friends from college and childhood who live near my parents or whose parents are in contact with mine asking how my parents are doing, how they are coping with covid cases increasing, etc.   They ask directly about my parents, and I'm not sure how to respond.  I thought about saying that they are fine (they might not be and they could easily know), that as far as I know they are ok (this will lead to more questions), to say we aren't speaking (more questions and possible critical responses from friends). 

How do people respond to friends, often friends who were once very close, when they ask how your parents are? 

[11JB68]

 I was always honest but brief.
'I'm not sure" , "I don't know"... Haven't talked to them/seen them lately.
Etc.
Many people do not understand. Some will be upset/offended.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's not easy. Just the other day someone asked me where I'm from and I said the town, then the person asked, "Are your family still there?" I answered, "As far as I know." She was like, 

It's just awkward sometimes. Even more so when there's a past/present connection. If I were in the position of those old friends of yours, I would rather be aware of the situation so that I didn't inadvertently cause you pain. When I had more presence of mind, I have said something like, "I'm sorry to have to tell you I am no longer in contact with my parents." Neutral in that I'm neither assigning or accepting blame, but also acknowledging it's a sad situation. It's always worked out ok when I've said something along those lines. You don't have to answer questions. I have on occasion had to say something like, "I really don't like to talk about it, I'm sure you understand." But very few people have ever said much more than, "Oh, that's too bad." Most people really don't like drama, imagine that!

[Hepatica]

Maybe this is awful of me, but if it's someone I don't know well, or don't exactly trust to understand, I just side sweep the question and surmise, or let's face it, lie if I have to. If someone asks me how my parents are (they're elderly) I say, "oh they're struggling. it's hard being old" It's not exactly a lie. Then I change the subject fast and say, "how about yours?" I haven't had anyone dig any further into my private parental relationship. I would think it a bit intrusive and rude if they do and in that case, I feel ok about making things up. 

[Apparently-wicked]

I was terrified of this at the start.  Now I show up for myself and acknowledge my reality by saying a frank 'I was sick of his abuse.' Some people are stunned and change the subject. 

But some have been amazing and I've gone on to have some very validating conversations. I refuse to tie myself up in knots for his c##p anymore.

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  I'm definitely responding based on the person.  Different answers for different people and definitely no blaming. 


This has to get easier one day.   Today I heard one of my uncle's favorite songs on the radio.  I know they are all toxic.  I know they won't magically change, but boy it still hurts!

[Boat Babe]

I was terrified of this at the start.  Now I show up for myself and acknowledge my reality by saying a frank 'I was sick of his abuse.' Some people are stunned and change the subject. 

But some have been amazing and I've gone on to have some very validating conversations. I refuse to tie myself up in knots for his c##p anymore.

That's great, really inspiring.

[blues_cruise]

I'm conflicted about how to answer questions about how my parents are doing.  I feel like my answer should differ depending on who asks.

I've left social media due to all of this family drama, so I'm trying to catch up and restore connections with a few old and once very close friends.  I'm having old friends from college and childhood who live near my parents or whose parents are in contact with mine asking how my parents are doing, how they are coping with covid cases increasing, etc.   They ask directly about my parents, and I'm not sure how to respond.  I thought about saying that they are fine (they might not be and they could easily know), that as far as I know they are ok (this will lead to more questions), to say we aren't speaking (more questions and possible critical responses from friends). 

How do people respond to friends, often friends who were once very close, when they ask how your parents are?

As you say, I feel the answer really depends on who you're talking to. If the person you're talking to has shown signs of understanding other complex issues in the past and has some emotional intelligence, then you can try testing the water and being honest with the fact that you don't communicate with your parents anymore. If you're not sure whether they will react supportively or you don't want to have to go down that line of conversation then I think a simple, "Oh, the family's coping, thanks for asking" and a change of subject is fine. There is the added complication of your friends' parents possibly knowing otherwise but if the no contact came to light the worst thing that could happen is the friend asking you about it, at which point you could just explain that it's an unpleasant situation to be in and was an awkward question to answer. Any decent, empathetic person would understand that.

When people ask how your parents are, more often than not it's a pleasantry and they're not going to be expecting an answer that's anything other than something relatively socially accepted. When you get that question I think it's OK to look after your own feelings and just indulge them, then move on to talking about something lighter. Later down the line if you get closer again and feel you can trust them then you can try being more vulnerable and sharing the reality of the situation. I personally don't share much about family because I think few people other than those on forums such as this can really get it and it makes the conversation awkward.

Ultimately, if anyone is overly critical about something that I know from personal experience to be a painful, difficult set of circumstances to find yourself in, then they're not really your friend. If you do decide to answer their questions honestly then that's something I would definitely bear in mind.

[Lillith65]

My usual reply is that we are not in touch. I deal with further questions depending on who they are and how well I know them. Saying we had a difficult relationship is normally enough.

[GettingOOTF]

A lot of people are asking me this lately. People who have never met my family. I think they ask out of concern for me as my family are in a different country so they think this must make the Covid situation harder on me.

In these cases with colleagues or the guy at the dry cleaners I just say something like  “they are going well. Everyone is fine thanks.”.

With people I’m trying to build relationships with like new friends or dating partners I usually say something like “I’m not in touch with my family”, “I don’t see them often”. It varies based on the level of connection we have or I’m trying to build.

I have come to see that I am not obligated to share my story with anyone. Most people do not have the kinds of families we here do so they ask out of genuine interest or concern for you or simply because this is simply a question people ask, like when someone says “how are you?”  Most of the time they aren’t really asking that, it’s just something people say.

One thing I’ve come to see is the reaction people have to me saying I’m not in touch with my family tells me a lot about them. Some people love to dig for drama, others have a knee jerk “but they are your FAMILY!” reaction and others accept and move on. The reactions tell me a lot about who I will let further in to my life.

You don’t owe anyone any explanation and it’s fine to tell different people different things.

[TwentyTwenty]

"I'm currently estranged from my parents for over 3 years now due to ongoing abuse and harassment. So I don't actually know if they're even alive at this point."

[Sidney37]

I expected the worst reaction from a friend who I've known since I was a toddler.  She's now quite religious, and I expected the "but she's your mother" response.   I was pleasantly surprised that instead she asked about self care and boundaries.  WOW!  What a relief that was. 

Another close friend who introduced DH and me, but we haven't seen in quite a while due to living far away, jumped right to "yep she's toxic".   Maybe more people are aware of her behavior that I know.  Relatives aren't aware because they were all raised with the same dysfunction. 

[illogical]

Hi Sidney37,

In my case, I was very vague when confronted with these type of questions.  I would suggest saying something that doesn't "give away" your NC position, like "Covid-19 is hard on all of us.  My parents are no exception."  Then, if pressed, hedge again, with something like "I know my parents are coping the best they can.  It's hard."

I think most people will give up trying to pry info out of you after you give them some vague answers.  At least, that's been my experience.  Also, my experience has been that people don't usually want to hear your story-- i.e., that you have gone NC, or have had to take drastic measures due to the abuse.  Call me jaded/cynical, but I have found that most people aren't truly interested in your problems, they just are trying to be polite.  They really don't care about listening to your story about abuse.  Unless they have been sent in as FMs, and then you don't want to share your true feelings with them anyway.

Take care!

[Mintstripes]

I'm so glad you posted this.

Fortunately, I am not in contact with anyone who knows my FOO. I moved to a different country years ago. However, I am having a hard time figuring out what to say when I meet new people (not that I am doing much of that these days).

We had a hard thing last month, one of LO's school projects was making a family tree with family photos. Groan. I ended up printing photos of two elderly relatives I still speak to (and are not FMs) as LO's "grandparents", because I didn't want her to be left out. I explained to LO who they were but the teachers are none the wiser. I had to use cartoon clip art images for the other grandparents since they're my ex in-laws and I wasn't about to ask UnPDxh for pics, as that would just cause a whole thing (you know how it is).

I'm able to get away with solutions like that for now because it's preschool, but these things are only going to get trickier as she goes through school. I'm sure I'll figure something out, but I'm dreading it. Just goes to show you how many expectations people have about family. I wish there was more acceptance and awareness of family estrangement.

For now, I avoid all conversation about family unless I want to be friends with the person and think they'll support me. I also avoid talking about where I'm from, because that inevitably leads to questions like "are you parents still there? Do you visit?"

In the past I've said things like "they live quite far and travel a lot", but now with COVID, that doesn't really work. Sigh. 

[Hepatica]

Holy Moly Mintstripes
that is a good example that I have not even thought of.  That teacher had no idea how challenging this would be for some people and I'm at the point now, where I'm annoyed that more people do not know the things we know.  I'm sorry that you experienced that.

I have been getting questions from my child (a teen) about the FOO and I've keep him fairly sheltered from it. I find that hard bc he doesn't have the experience I had as a child and he has no reference point. My uNPD parents and sister are so gregarious and charismatic when they choose to be, you really have to live behind closed doors with them to see how dark they can get. I have seen judgement on my son's face that I am too hard on them just as I have with old friends when I've shared how I need to distance from my FOO.

I like how you dealt with it creatively but I feel for you.

There is so much shame around the struggles we go through that there is a part of me that is now feeling resentful that we have to side step the questions because other people need to be sheltered. Don't we carry enough pain from our childhoods that it is time for this world to stand by us? I don't know how we can truly heal when we feel uncomfortable about what truly happened to us. Why are we taking care of people who had good childhoods?  Bit of a rant and perhaps off topic but lots to think on, in regards to how I answer this question in future. I think I am tired of hiding how hard my childhood was.

[11JB68]

I think it's helpful for all of us here that at least the world is becoming more accepting of all types of families. Hopefully, along with teachers understanding that some kids may have 2 moms or two dads, they will also be more understanding of kids who don't have extended family etc.

One of my most awkward situations was my prior primary care Dr. Drs ask about your parents health history... And whether they are well...I knew mom had had breast cancer, but since then no idea how they are or what health issues they may have. Told her I don't see them... Every appointment she would say things like, you should get in touch, they are your parents, etc.
Seemed a Dr should be more understanding and supportive.

[Hepatica]

Ugh 11JB68,
That's another good example. If your doctor understood what he/she was saying they would never tell a person to interact with their abuser. Why are we at this point in our history and we still cannot believe that parents can be abusers? This is exactly how generational trauma is passed. Keeping things quiet and behind closed doors and then when we grow up we are viewed as frail or weak bc we suffer from depression/anxiety or other expressions of trauma.

I have a bee in my bonnet about this today. It's like we know so much but we still have not broken thru to the mainstream when doctors and teachers are still blind to what so many of us suffer.

[illogical]

...There is so much shame around the struggles we go through that there is a part of me that is now feeling resentful that we have to side step the questions because other people need to be sheltered. Don't we carry enough pain from our childhoods that it is time for this world to stand by us? I don't know how we can truly heal when we feel uncomfortable about what truly happened to us. Why are we taking care of people who had good childhoods?

Hepatica, I feel resentful, too, that we must sidestep questions about our abusive parents.  We don't have to-- we could just lay it out there and say how much it sucked.  To hell with "sheltering" other people.  I'm not for that at all.  It's their problem if they don't understand, not ours.   That said, I have found that most people-- with the exception of close friends you can rely on-- simply don't give a rat's arse about our abuse.  So sure, put it out there and tell them that your parent was abusive.  Unfortunately, it has been my experience that most people, outside of really close friends, don't care.  I hope your experience has been different.  I am very jaded/cynical about others because I have been rejected when trying to JADE.

I think it's of paramount importance that WE know the truth.  And in that regard, I think we can heal because WE know the truth.  That's what is important to me, not what others buy into or think.

Thank you for your insight.  You raise some very good points!

[Hepatica]

Hi illogical,

I am in absolute agreement with you. I think I was in a mood when I wrote that because it is unrealistic. I have been feeling really down about carrying this alone (covid doesn't help this.) Being alone and healing seems unfair on top of unfair. I have been really wishing for a support group, like Al-Anon for survivors of childhood abuse. I think I need this bc I am having trouble with my own self-doubt.

I am working on that this week, believing myself.

And I know what you're saying. Even as a survivor i might find it odd to go to a party and have someone begin to talk about their family of origin struggles. There's a time and a place and most public outings mean you talk about life at a surface level. There's no need to go into detail if someone asks who is merely being polite.

I think I am just really struggling with carrying this level of pain alone, esp, when I lose my certainty and and get mired in the FOG.

I am grateful for this forum right now.

[Boat Babe]

It is really tough atm for people who live alone. I'm a real extrovert and being with people makes me happy. Not much in the way of that right now in the UK.  Add a splash of C-PTSD to the mix, and a streak of almost pathological loneliness from childhood and it gets very painful.

Sending you and everyone here huge hugs ❤️❤️❤️