Codependency or BPD?

[Wilderhearts]

I wrote about trying to respond to a friend's passive aggressive, manipulative (victim playing, guilt-tripping, gaslighting) text that she sent after I backed-off from interactions to prioritize self-care after a time of intense stress.  Full thread here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86042.0

I've started to look at her pattern of behaviour as a whole, and I'm now questioning if this is actually BPD.

Her text was extremely waifish (I'm hurt, I'm in crisis, my friends have let me down so much, I've tried so hard to stay connected but nobody's meeting my needs  ) while still being passive aggressive (not saying whether this generalization applied to me).  I was actually putting in as much energy as she was, on review, but it was less than I had previously given.  I'm wondering if her manipulative behaviour was a reaction to perceived abandonment.  She wouldn't confirm that she was ok when I asked, after telling me she had "had an emergency."

She's continually in crisis, although she manages to keep it to herself much of the time.  She'll tell me how much pain she's in, but rarely accepts the support I offer, which is usually to do something together that is known to improve mental health.  She generally prefers me to join her in self-indulgent behaviours.

She uses the same pattern that a man I dated used - offering big favours and then indirectly communicating expectations for emotional and social support in return.  It's emotional manipulation.  I think most of her "supportive" texts are her way of telling me what she expects from me. 

Her overall text pattern is giving me whiplash.  She's gone from "I'm in crisis" *passive aggressive guilt-trip* to basically giving me a "get well soon text" to lovey-dovey and cutesy texts and GIFs (fawning?).  It's emotional chaos.  It's taking too much of my mental and emotional energy to not let her chaos invade my mental and emotional space.

The thing is, I think she is a very kind, caring, supportive, empathetic friend, albeit with some of the worst boundaries I've ever seen (apart from my uNPDf and that guy I dated).  She's trained as a counsellor but doesn't practice - she says she prefers to use it in personal relationships.  Perhaps she's worked really hard to develop adaptive skills to compensate for her PD.  I saw that in my uOCPD x-roommate, who was training as a counsellor.   

I'd prefer to talk to her rather than just text her we need to keep our distance until we have healthy enough support systems that....all this....isn't happening in our friendship.  Not because I owe it to her, but because I think it's a healthier way of communicating.  I'm just not sure where to start, and how to address her behaviour in a non-JADE way.

[bloomie]

Wilderhearts - if I am understanding correctly... you would like to let this friend know you are going to step back for a bit and feel it is healthier to communicate that in person?

The only way I know how to address behaviors is through letting someone know something isn't working for me and letting them know what I will be doing going forward.

This quote from Brené Brown keeps coming up for me and it may be helpful: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."

So, you choosing to speak directly with this friend and showing them that level of respect and then being kindly clear may not be experienced as loving by your friend, (or it may, who knows?) but having the courage to have hard conversations is love. For your friend and for you.

Good luck with this. Let us know how things are going.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Wilderhearts

If you can clarify for yourself what you will and will not offer by way of support to her, in very concrete terms, that might be important for you to do... even just for yourself. To know what exactly you'd be willing to do to stay in a friendship with her.

Only you can know what that is though... and even that list can be hard to nail down during a pandemic...understandably so.

Trees

[Wilderhearts]

Thanks, both. I concur with you and Brene, Bloomie.  Clear and direct is kind.  I let her know her text was confusing and upsetting, and I had capacity for very little engagement - probably half of what I gave in the month I was withdrawn, because I can only take responsibility for my own needs and that means prioritizing alone time and self-care. I think I have a rough idea of what that is, Trees.

She insists she has no expectations of friends while crying and saying nobody is meeting her needs, repaying her, or energizing her (I am supposedly the exception).  I've heard this from someone with uBPD before.  She says she has no expectations for responses to her cutesy texts, but was so upset that she's getting flat responses to them. 

She did look back at her very guilt-trippy text and said she now gets why I was confused and upset by it.  She did apologize.

Since I expressed the cutesy texts seem like demands, she's decided she won't contact me and the ball is forever in my court.  She can't seem to find a healthy balance, or healthy boundaries or communication....I think I'll have to say I feel a lot of pressure since she's expressed how hurt she is when people don't reach out as much as she wants, and I'm going to step back for a while.

She did get oppositional/argumentative when I wouldn't refer her to my own counsellor.  She was saying the energy it takes to find the right counsellor wasn't worth it, and I was expressing how much finding the right fit is.  This is another pattern - she needs to get something out of anything good I have, and tries to push my boundaries.  It felt really invasive and extractive.

There wasn't much other DARVO'ing, but I also I never called a spade a spade.  I know we talk a lot about how monstrously abusive the pwPDs in our lives have been, and she doesn't fit that bill.  But, I'm coming to recognize that a lot of pwPDs actually have some of insight, especially if lovingly held and nudged towards understanding.  I was on a CPTSD forum, and a bunch of people concurrently diagnosed with AVPD were recognizing how much they negatively affect others - they just couldn't figure out what to do about it.  It seems to me that's where she's at.

[bloomie]

Wilderhearts - it took courage to kindly and directly speak up for what is and is not working in these exchanges. I hope this gives you some needed space from the pressure and demands.

[treesgrowslowly]

To me it sounds like you did this all with lots of kindness.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back.

Yes I agree with you some people do have some idea about their effect on others. But that isn't really enough. Like Dr Phil was fond of saying at one point, insight into yourself is key. Look at how much of his show (for example) is devoted to helping people see that they need to do something with those insights too.

I would be doing similar to what you've done here. I would not feel obligated to refer my counsellor either.

Trees