PD parent reacting to your health?

[FugitiveDaughter]

Just a question that unfortunately is current for me. I am going through some medical tests to rule out more serious illnesses and as you know, it's never good when they've found "something" and want to look closer. I was dumb enough to tell my NPD mom about this and mentioned being just a bit worried. She basically laughed it off. Then she briefly asked when will I have more tests. I told her and after that, nothing. I have literally not heard from her since. No words of encouragement, no expression of love, nothing. Like I don't exist. I don't know if she's informed my NPD sibling but nothing from that direction either. In fact, I was polite (too polite I might say) enough to contact them just to keep in touch and they won't even read my messages. Ok, so there is a tiny, almost nonexistent possibility they are suddenly ill and cannot contact me but you'd think someone in the family would then inform me. Have the NPD family members decided I am dead already...?

It's tough. Just waiting for the results makes you feel totally alone as no-one around can relate and everyone (even the ones without NPD) just want you to shut up, stop worrying and go on like you normally would. Sigh.

[Adrianna]

Not uncommon for those with npd. They don't like attention taken off themselves and quite frankly don't care about others. Many people with npd spouses will find themselves abandoned by that spouse in times of crisis. It's almost guaranteed.

I had a medical scare a few years ago which turned out ok but I never even got a phone call from my parents to ask about the results. My father is unpd and my mother (who has since passed) was mentally ill (not npd). The response from my father when I asked why no one bothered to ask what my results were? "we didn't want to bother you."  Forget about receiving any support or encouragement during that time. Don't even expect her to ask any questions at all or inquire for an update. Certainly don't expect her to accompany you to any appointments. Empathy, support, compassion: They quite frankly don't have it to give.  My father knows I see a specialist for follow ups and never asks about it. Couldn't care less. I've accepted who he is but it's taken time and a lot of tears.

I am sorry you are going through this. Don't expect normal compassion or concern from someone who is disordered. You will be disappointed every time. Hard reality but once you let that sink in you distance yourself emotionally from them to the point where you share nothing personal with them anymore. It's the only way to handle things in my opinion.

I wish you good results! Lean on others in your life and expect nothing from your mother in this regard. I speak from experience. They literally can not offer you any support. Their disorder prevents it.

[Thru the Rain]

I had a similar situation last year. I was in the hospital for a couple weeks, had multiple surgeries and had to miss out on a family reunion that I had planned along with my niece.

I called my uPDM and she laughed. I think she sees me as a character on a TV show, and it's OK to laugh or have any other odd reaction because I'm not a real person to her.

I was so sick and so upset that I asked DH to just interact with my Dad - I was too sick to talk with anyone anyway.

After being back home for a week I did talk to my M and she said "You sound really wiped out and a little out of it". Do you think so!?! I just finished several surgeries and a stint in intensive care, I'm on multiple meds including pain killers. What the F**K?

I'm truly not a real person to her - I don't think anyone is real to her. She can't take the focus off herself enough to have the sympathy you might show a complete stranger. So she's now on a full information diet and strangely we're both happier - I don't like her reactions, and she really didn't care enough to want to know anyway.

[FugitiveDaughter]

Thank you for your kind thoughts! If only I had someone. I literally have no-one. I don't know anyone where I live and been having trouble with my H for quite some time. I don't think he cares whether I live or die. In fact might be less of a burden if I died. He is not at all happy about me being unemployed and unproductive and the extra cost my current medical bills caused him this month. He says he cares about me but I don't see warm feelings. We argue every weekend.

[Thru the Rain]

Thank you for your kind thoughts! If only I had someone. I literally have no-one. I don't know anyone where I live and been having trouble with my H for quite some time. I don't think he cares whether I live or die. In fact might be less of a burden if I died. He is not at all happy about me being unemployed and unproductive and the extra cost my current medical bills caused him this month. He says he cares about me but I don't see warm feelings. We argue every weekend.

You may want to bring this up with the doctors you're working with. They may be able to help you get some counseling assistance. Just having someone sympathetic to hear you can be such a support in difficult medical times.

I also know the pastor in my own church will call on people at times of need, whether they are part of our church or not. Look for a more traditional group - Catholic or Lutheran. Might be a big relief for you.

[Andeza]

Thru the Rain that's actually excellent advice. Frequently, pastors are happy to talk and help you cope regardless of your actual religious beliefs. The good ones anyway.

Fugitive daughter, I'm sorry your mom responded that way. It's certainly not appropriate to the situation. It's quite telling regarding her mental state, though. I hope you will find someone in real life that will listen to you and offer kind reassurances. In the meantime, we are here, hoping that it's just a false alarm. Please, keep posting, we'll stick around.

[Spring Butterfly]

That's terribly sad and I've completely given up and accepted that I will not get any sort of normal emotional response from a disordered person. They just don't have it to give.

It's a really good idea to talk to your doctors because sometimes depending on the nature of the illness there's different support groups available through the medical system.

[FugitiveDaughter]

I'm having the scans done today and I'm nervous. I just want to be driven there, get it over with and driven back. But instead I have to worry about getting a taxi, surviving on my own and then getting back trying to get a taxi in the dark in a strange neighbourhood. And it's pouring rain all day! Am I being selfish that hoped my husband might be able to leave work an hour or two earlier because of this and accompany me to the clinic? He uses the taxi because of his work a lot (or used to, you know, covid keeps everyone working from home now) so he's a VIP customer and gets the best taxis to his door while I can't get them to pick me up at my door but need to find some strange rendez vous point to meet the driver. He says he cannot go with me because of work and will have to work late today, sorry. Why do I still feel this was one of those moments he could've made an exception? Maybe I'm demanding too much of people because I never had any support from anyone, except maybe my dad at times. I know my husband would not be able to be in the same room when I'm having the scans taken but it would've felt much less scary if I saw his face when I could go home. I'm a nervous wreck!

Oh and mom... She did ask me some questions when we talked several days ago but didn't show empathy, of course. Today I haven't even heard of her. I'm sure it's because she "doesn't want to bother me"... 

[Thru the Rain]

Sending you warm (and dry) thoughts and hugs.

I hope the scan goes well today!

Yes, I agree your DH should have taken time to help you. I've been employed for my entire adult life, and every single place I've ever worked was understanding when I needed a day to take care of a family member.

You don't mention how old you are. I do recall my own DH was not willing to be supportive of any of my medical situations when we were younger and just married.

Later in life when he had a life-threatening situation, and I sat with him in ICU, day after day for a week. About 1/2 way through the week he had a light bulb moment and spontaneously apologized for not being supportive of me in the past.

[FugitiveDaughter]

Thank you for all the kind words and thoughts! I cannot express how much they have meant to me. I actually felt calm during the whole thing thinking about all the good, encouraging things people have written to me.

The scan went well but of course there's the wait for results and feeling I don't want to hear them. It might take longer than a few days as these guys seem to be slow with delivering the results and I can't bring myself to hurry them.

We're both in our late 30s. My husband used to be more supportive but he's had some sort of a change in the past year or two when I've felt he's more Team Me than Team Us. Maybe depression, I don't know. I just can't help feeling (and this totally comes from being surrounded by N people in my childhood) the inability to participate and support me is some sort of a revenge for not being there at the hospital when my husband had a minor surgery a couple of years ago. It was not that I was willingly not there, at first it seemed pointless for the both of us for me to be there when he had no idea how long he'd have to wait to get a bed and then whenever I was supposed to go visit him, he sent me a message saying maybe it was best for me not to come after all as there was a chance they'd take him to the operation in the next fifteen minutes or half an hour etc. It was never clear I was let in to see him as he was mostly waiting to either get a procedure done or then to get home. I was literally ready to go at any minute only to be told it was probably useless for me to be there and better to stay home. I feel bad about it still but should I have gone anyway, even if I was told not to come as there was a hassle going on and he wasn't even sure where he'd be in half an hour?

To get back to my parent... Still nothing from my mom or N sibling. That sibling knows what is going on as I did talk to him recently about it (no emotional response to that of course) and since he probably saw my friends wishing me luck yesterday online. Both are silent. In the past they at least faked concern sending me sugary messages of how their thoughts are with me if there was something going on with my health etc. Now they just cannot be bothered.

I felt very alone yesterday and the cherry on top of the whole thing was having to argue with a taxi driver who couldn't find me even with a map and got angry at me for not being good enough at explaining my location in a strange environment. I didn't feel quite so alone though knowing I have the support of you guys and a few good friends who did send me encouraging messages.

I feel like cutting off contact with my overseas family. If they don't care about me in a situation like this, are they really even my family?

[Thru the Rain]

I'm glad the scans went well.

And regarding your family, you can't make them act supportive or caring or even interested. For each of us, the only person who's behavior we can control is our own.

This may be a good time to practice some self-care. Do something that is just for you - read a book, take a nice bath, take a walk, listen to music you like. And during that time, tell yourself things you might tell a friend going through this same situation: You're going to get through this. Worrying won't make the results arrive any faster. You've got good doctors. Take it easy on yourself.

[FugitiveDaughter]

I called my uPDM and she laughed. I think she sees me as a character on a TV show, and it's OK to laugh or have any other odd reaction because I'm not a real person to her.

I'm truly not a real person to her - I don't think anyone is real to her. She can't take the focus off herself enough to have the sympathy you might show a complete stranger.

I just had to return here and read all the responses and I'm sorry if I haven't commented enough, it all seems so familiar to me and I am so sorry all of you have had to go through things like these without the support of your close relatives. None of us deserve this but then, we're talking about people who are not normal and have probably no idea they are not fully human anymore.

The quotes above, those sound exactly like my mom. She's a very covert one so she can always hide behind the old "oh you misunderstood me!" but that is exactly what she does, the bizarre reactions of laughing at me like I'm some sort of a clown.

It has now been over a week since I heard from her and I like to keep it like that. I am dead sure I know what she is doing right now as it's the same thing she has been doing since forever now. If she's not scrubbing the house in order to present herself as the super mom (and fishing for compliments from people while pointing out to them what she has done and have they noticed her new crocheted pillow) she is sitting there feeling sorry for herself as everyone has left her all alone (she has never been able to cope being alone in her life). She doesn't call her children on purpose. She instead waits for them to call so she can start her "poor old me, all alone" routine which then rapidly escalates into a fevered monologue about her week and how others are terrible. After my father had passed away, I learned that she had only called us after our father had repeatedly urged her to call us. Why he didn't call himself is something I don't know.

I also know why I haven't heard from my N sibling. He believes whatever I have, I have caused myself  in other words it's my own fault if I'm sick. He loathes western medicine and totally despises me for in turn loathing dangerous alternative therapies.

I can happily report that my DH is supporting me in this. He genuinely wanted to be there for me but since he had a team working urgently on a really important launch in several locations, him leaving would have not been taken kindly at work even though they do understand medical emergencies (and to be fair mine wasn't an emergency). He's firmly in the same camp as me not contacting my family as he says he noticed already years ago that whenever I felt sad and depressed, I would call my mother hoping to cheer up and instead I would always come back from the phone feeling worse.

Still no reports from the doctors but I am calm now about it. I took a sneak peak at my scans and figured if there was something seriously wrong, it would be clearly visible and the doctors would have already contacted me. Instead I am going to focus on happy things and try not to think of the people who certainly do not think about me.

[SparkStillLit]

When the docs saw "something suspicious" in my boobs, they called me THAT AFTERNOON when I had been for the mammogram in the morning, and made me come in the next day. They didn't mess around. I had two more scans with the last one finally coming back clean.
Let's imagine if they saw scary stuff, they'd hop right on it. Here's to the best outcome, and NUTS to your family!!!

[JenniferSmith]

In the years before I went NC with my Nmother, one of the nails in the coffin was when I called her to tell her I was being tested for a serious, long-term disease.  This was after a few years of increasingly worrisome symptoms and stress and anxiety on my part. I will never forget.. the first thing out of her mouth was "I will call the rest of the family and let them know."   So.. yet another incident of her not showing any personal response to my feelings in any way, and a way for her to be the busy-body center-of-attention by spreading bad news about me.

I hope you get some good news about this soon!!

[Thru the Rain]

It has now been over a week since I heard from her and I like to keep it like that. I am dead sure I know what she is doing right now as it's the same thing she has been doing since forever now. If she's not scrubbing the house in order to present herself as the super mom (and fishing for compliments from people while pointing out to them what she has done and have they noticed her new crocheted pillow) she is sitting there feeling sorry for herself as everyone has left her all alone (she has never been able to cope being alone in her life). She doesn't call her children on purpose. She instead waits for them to call so she can start her "poor old me, all alone" routine which then rapidly escalates into a fevered monologue about her week and how others are terrible. After my father had passed away, I learned that she had only called us after our father had repeatedly urged her to call us. Why he didn't call himself is something I don't know.

Wow, our Mothers really ARE alike. My M tells me all the time how much she's been cleaning her house due to anxiety - and seriously I have no idea what she cleaned since it's always messy and actually dirty when I'm there.

And the "poor me" routine when no one calls. I called her recently and the first thing I get is a recitation of just how long it's been since I called - in this recent case over a month. Well phones work both ways, so I refuse to accept any guilt from that. And she hardly makes me want to call more often. 

You sound like you're in a much better emotional place and I'm glad to hear that. Also glad to hear you and DH are on the same page.

[FugitiveDaughter]

I was better and today I'm a mess...  My doctor didn't get the results and for whatever crazy reason the responsibility to get the results delivered to my doctor lies on me. I can only get the images from the clinic that did the scans, they won't give me the reports (last time I ended up reading the report because I had to deliver it to my doctor after the clinic didn't). Contacting them is almost impossible as they don't give me phone numbers, email addresses or anything to work on. I wasn't supposed to but I took a peek at the scans and it looks horrible... Now I'm convinced I'll die and it's serious. I feel completely alone and panicky.

To top it all off, my mom is sending me messages asking me if I'm busy and would I have time for a call. I don't know what to do! I fear I'm going to give in and call her and she'll make me feel worse. I still don't know how to behave and how to deal with her! Well, I kinda feel like maybe I don't have to. I might not be here next Christmas so whatever.

[Andeza]

First, let's not jump to hasty conclusions. Second, here's a big hug  Now, PDM can wait dang it. It's time to focus on you. You are BUSY right now and that is all she needs to know. You'll get back to her, or not, at your leisure.

Now. The lab has to have a contact page on their website/facebook. Remember, what you're seeing on the scans is hard to translate unless you've got a radiology degree or whatnot. Additionally, scans can be corrupted or otherwise compromised. It may be inaccurate. So let's take a deep breath, take ten minutes to just breathe, do nothing else, just sit and breath. If that means an extended bathroom break at work, so be it.

After the ten minutes is up, then do what you can to get the reports. If it starts to feel overwhelming, take another break. You're strong, and you'll get through this moment in time. Here, have another 

[SparkStillLit]

Don't. Call. Her.
Work on getting your scans to your Dr and getting a pro's official report. Breathe. No being Dr. Google. Breathe.
Love Love Love. ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Just hang on. ❤❤❤❤❤ One minute and then the next. Focus on just your minutes. Do what you have to inside them, and keep moving and breathing in your minutes.
Mother is not in your minutes and she can damn well wait until you're good and prepared to call. NOT when you're upset.