Spending time with ex-husband

[Poison Ivy]

I don't know whether this fits best in Separating & Divorcing, Common Behaviors, or Working on Us.

I'll just say that I had to spend some time with my ex-husband, at my (formerly our) house, the other day, and I was not on my best behavior. It was really aggravating to be in his presence. The situation was kind of forced on me by one of our adult children. That's all.

[Mitchy]

I get it. My ex lives in an apartment over our garage so he can stay close to the kids (thankfully due to his job he's really only here about 4 days a month). But, those times when he comes to see the kids (1 is an adult and 1 is an early teen) I feel the tension rise inside me and sometimes it's so difficult to control. Best of luck and I hope that you are able to recover.

[GettingOOTF]

They say that you cannot heal in the presence of those who hurt you and when I had to see my ex I totally understood what they meant.

For me healing and being on my best behavior is something I never expect to happen when I'm around him. It's a gift I give to myself and other people.

My ex hasn't changed so in the rare occasions I have to interact with him he behaves the same way he always did and this does bring up less than ideal responses from me. I'm much better than I was but my body remembers what it was like being with him and it mounts the defenses it thinks it needs to.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. It sounds natural and healthy to me.

[Kat54]

Its natural to have those feelings. You left for a reason so you shouldn't have that reason in your face all the time. 

When I go to the town where I lived with my ex and kids just driving by my house makes me want to run the other way. The times I have to see him, I suck it up and behave graciously with a smile on my face. I will never let him know how much he makes me want to say really mean horrible things and act like I'm possessed, like from The Exorcist.

[clara]

Yep, it's natural to feel that way and I think what makes it all worse is the feeling that the PD still has some type of control over us.  It would be nice to get to a neutral place, but I don't know if that can ever occur.  Just seeing my ex around town now and again, even years after our divorce, would make my stomach drop.  And that was just seeing him!  I never spoke to him and would hope he didn't see me and then would get angry over my reactions.  Seeing him was like seeing the past--a depressing, waste-of-my-life past that I didn't need reminders of.

Fortunately, he moved away years ago, which made the healing process a lot easier.