Let her fall

[Danie]

Today I came to terms with the fact that my PD mother will fall in her home and it will be okay. We all have to go sometimes, right? My heart is pounding, I'm sweating, I'm distracted; frustration level is off the chart.

She walks with 2 canes (barely) and also has vertigo. I'm not sure if she saves all her misery to share with me, but I think it's possible, she sees me as her dump site. I tried to explain to her, "your children were not put on earth, by God, to listen to your problems for 64 years and to hear to you whine". She said that's how she feels inside. She really should not be living alone in a house with stairs that she goes up and down. This has come up many times and she, in her typical fashion, (whining) she says she has "no where to go" and "what am I supposed to do?"

She knows darn well what she's supposed to do, but she'd rather be a victim and I think she wants to create a falling crisis so people rally around her and take care of her and she won't have to do anything.

Three days ago I listened to her on the phone and comforted her (ugh! ) and we agreed she should finally go to a doctor and deal with the fact that she can't walk anymore. I called her today and she pretended that had not happened. I told her I would drive her there even though she drives. She wants me to be her parent and she wants to be the little baby child that is taken care of. I put myself out there and she has taken advantage of me again.

She has been too busy getting free help for her yard work. I told her I was done. Not going to be her caregiver!! She'd better figure out some changes while she can. If she thinks she's going to call me at 3am, lying on the floor and I'm going to clean up her life she will find out otherwise.

What really blew my mind was she kept saying, nobody else knows but me. She is isolating me, like I am going to be her emotional support and she is going to leech off me like she does to her other victims. Like a spider caught in a web and he sucks all the life out of a moth that is trapped.That scared me the most!!

[Sneezy]

I'm so sorry.  This is really tough to go through.  It sounds like you are doing everything you can, but you are right - your mom is determined to be a victim.  My stepmother lived alone after my father died and insisted on staying alone in her home even when it clearly wasn't safe for her.  She fell three times.  The first time, she was hospitalized and the social worker at the hospital warned me that sometimes it takes several falls before an elderly person will realize that they need to move to a different living situation.  And sometimes, they never come to this realization and they die alone at home after a fall.  I know.  That sounds awful and heartless.  But that is what happened to my stepmother after fall number three (a wonderful woman who did not have a personality disorder by the way, she was just stubborn).  I carried around a lot of guilt.  I felt I should have done more.  To this day, I am sad to think of her dying alone on the bathroom floor, and I hope she went quickly, although I will never know.  Eventually, I saw a therapist who told me that my stepmother had made her own decisions and had gone out on her own terms, and I didn't have any say or responsibility in the matter.  That helped a lot.  I couldn't make her do the right thing.  She got to make her own choices.

My advice - see if there is a way to have someone check on your mother once a day, without it being you.  Do you have Meals on Wheels in your area?  Sign her up and that way someone will be there once a day and can report if she doesn't answer the door.  Does your mom belong to a church?  Many churches will visit seniors regularly, so that's a way to keep tabs on her without you having to do it.  I know with Covid, some of the normal programs that you could utilize might not be working the same way.  But maybe a neighbor would even check on your mom once a day (bring in her paper and mail and make sure she is ok).  But it can't always be up to you.  That is too much for one person, especially when your mother is the way she is.

You are not responsible for the decisions your mother makes.  Please don't sacrifice yourself and your well-being for someone who is, as you say, sucking the life out of you. 

[Danie]

People do check on her and she does belong to a church. I think she wants me to be enmeshed with her and "take on" her misery. I also think she wants out of the responsibility of cleaning out her house. Thank you for the suggestions though. She is PD'd unlike your stepmother. I really have decided, like your therapist said, that it is her own decision to stay in her house under dangerous circumstances. It's what she wants. She also enjoys the benefit of complaining about how hard her life is. We have tried and get the runaround. She is like a child, incapable of understanding what's at stake.

I have a hard time understanding how she operates, but I accept that she has her own reality. 

I can't try anymore, it is so hard on my mental health. I can say a prayer for her and have a boundary that I'm not going to listen to endless negativity and complaints.

[Sneezy]

Your mom knows what she should do for her own safety and yet she refuses to do it.  There are people who check on her regularly, so when (not if, but when) something happens she won't be left lying on the floor for days.  I'd say you've done everything possible and more.  Time to drop the rope.

Even if you wanted to take on her misery, you can't.  The more enmeshed you get, the more her black hole of despair will suck you in. 

One more thing - be prepared.  Know what you will say when you get the call from a social worker asking you to come pick up your mom because she fell and has been hospitalized and now she needs to go home with someone who will care for her.  Practice saying "no, that isn't possible, you'll have to work with my mother to come up with other options."

Take care of yourself and your mental health.   

[Danie]

After sleeping on this I came up with another clear thought, "she is trying to manipulate me to be her caregiver". Yes that's it! And it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I said I would take her to the doctor Monday and I don't want to. Can I back out? Who can I call to take her??

[Thru the Rain]

After sleeping on this I came up with another clear thought, "she is trying to manipulate me to be her caregiver". Yes that's it! And it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I said I would take her to the doctor Monday and I don't want to. Can I back out? Who can I call to take her??

Yes you can back out. Uber, taxi, check to see if there is a non-emergency medical transport available.

And you don't need to feel bad or mean, and you can communicate kindly.

Something like "Mom I've found this service can take you and pick you up from your appointment. Call this number to arrange it." Followed up with alternate "Yes you can do this" and "No there's no way I can manage your rides."

Definitely give her the number or directions to set up her own ride, otherwise you'll end up as her permanent ride scheduler, and the first person she calls to come get her when the ride you arranged doesn't work.

[Spring Butterfly]

Honestly it's quite a dangerous position for her to put herself in - one other human on the planet who can help her. If something were to happen to you tomorrow where does that leave her? She's not serving herself besides the years of damage she's inflicting on you.

If (and that's a big if) You are the only person on the planet who knows of her situation and needs to figure out how to be an adult and ensure her own care. That was her job her entire life and no matter her journey in life so far at some point she needs to pick up her own load of responsibility.

[Danie]

She made an appointment with her doctor and cancelled it (about her difficulty walking). Then she set up a phone appointment! Yay, some progress.He might tell her she can't live alone anymore without help.

I called her yesterday and I just don't know what is up with her. She sounded manic-ey. Racing thoughts and comments. Inaccurate information-talking about the pandemic and possible lockdown again. She's all alone and must work herself into a frenzy thinking negative things. Sounded miserable. Our conversations are always about her health and problems. Nothing joyful, fun or happy.

She was asking me if I had a paper shredder. She seemed really worried about disposing of documents. I tried to explain to her that I had one that fit on top of a trash can. She continued to ask how I disposed of the the shredded paper. 

So then she revealed she had one in her basement that belonged to her husband. She asked me if I would come over and help her with it. It is a table-top model that you just plug in. She beat around the bush and insisted she wanted me to help her with it. Then she said it over-heats and you have to uplug them every 2 minutes and let them cool down. I know she was having a panic attack thinking it was going to burst into flames as she's always had phobias about explosions, fumes, fires, gas etc. I wanted to just kind of lash out and say that it is ridiculous, but I said I would help her.

She seems to have a number of different issues going on. I feel bad for her. She's 82 and all alone; will probably never change and yes every encounter with her is toxic and messes me up so I need time to recover.

[Danie]

Today was supposed to be her phone-in doctor appointment about her legs! I called her quickly this morning because I thought she had left me a VM. Anyway she sounded distraught. She said "I've been trying to cancel my appointment for 45 minutes and I can't get through". 
I was just dumbfounded. Here, she cancelled her in-person visit and now the phone visit. When I asked her why she said things like I'm not gonna get a knee replacement and I can't take anymore pills. I talked her into at least talking to the doctor to find out what the problem is (20 min). She agreed, but she also said she was worried she'd have to pay something. Wants everything free.
As I was encouraging her to at least talk to the doctor and find out what it is she said, "Oh it's arthritis". Then she said when she was in the hospital for her vertigo 3 months ago they x-rayed her legs. Here she has been struggling, complaining, arguing, rationalizing and all along she knew it was arthritis. I don't know if she realizes, I didn't know because she never told me. I got angry because I told her I felt like she was just using me to have someone to complain to.
I tried to tell her I'm not going to listen to her complain and whine about her health problems, real or imagined. I know this sounds kind of abusive, but honestly I don't think that even bothers her. I think she likes the craziness of it. I think she likes roping me in on her problems and then fighting and arguing over the phone. She is totally defensive and when I try to get a point across she refuses to hear or understand me or validate any of my feelings. Not only must she win and be right, but she sounds like a small child! Whining and acting so helpless! She said she tells me her problems because I ask. I told her I won't ask anymore and that I thought I might get an adult on the other end.
The phone call just went on and on. I didn't want to hang-up on her, yet she just continued. I finally had to hang up, I said my car was running, but I really think she was enjoying it on some level. My grandma, her mom, and my great-grandmother did the same thing. Argued over the phone constantly. I think my mother and her mom did too. It's just horrible. It's easy to argue over the phone because you can hang up and there seems to be less self-moderation.

[Jolie40]

do you think your mom should go to an assisted living place now or soon?
one can have independence but yet assistance is available when needed

with senior activities & meal times, there's opportunity to make friends, also
(although not right now due to virus)

[Danie]

She will resist it. I don't know, too hard to get answers and deal with her. She has said she plans on dropping dead in her house and leaving it for us. We have no idea what her finances are or anything. We've tried to help but   

[Mathilda]

She sounds a lot like my mother. She's als 82.

Always complaining, but she doesn't want any of her problems solved.

I remember how she complained for months she would love to go on vacation, but she couldn't because of her walking problems (she walks with a walker or sometimes with a cane).
So I looked on the internet and I requested for brochures of several travel companies who specialize in vacations especially for the elderly and disabled.

When I showed them to her she didn't respond with enthusiasm, but instead said she would hide them for my dad, afraid they would make him enthusiastic. Turned out she didn't want to go on vacation at all.

For years she complained that she needed a new matress. It hurt her back. But every time when I suggested we'd go to the shop and buy her a new one, she said "no, never mind, I'll just stick with this one".

My parents had a problem with pigeons on their balcony, that caused a lot of nuisance (their balcony was full of droppings). Eventually I called the city council but when they visited mom to discuss the problem, she just hung in her chair in some old clothes pretending she was totally helpless and unable to do anything by herself. The people of the city council just raised their eyebrows and gave her the advise to complain at the Owner, together with some other neighbours and left.
I was with her when the people of the city council visited and I felt deeply ashamed of her.


Could go on and on.
Yes, it's exhausting and 

And yes it's difficult, especially when they are old and they have health problems. But I agree with everyone here that you have to say no. Otherwise they will drive you nuts.

[Sneezy]

Always complaining, but she doesn't want any of her problems solved.

Exactly!  Because when the problem is solved, then what is there to complain about?  I have learned the hard way with my mom.  In fact, when I do come up with a solution to a problem, it sometimes angers her.  Yesterday, she left a long telephone message that her TV wasn't working correctly.  She needed me to call "right away" because this was an emergency.  I texted her and told her to unplug it and plug it back in.  About 15 minutes later, I got a very dejected telephone message saying that her TV was just fine.  She almost sounded disappointed.  Because she wanted attention, it had nothing to do with a true problem.

[Boat Babe]

Same Sneezy. I tried to "fix" my mother's chronic loneliness and boredom by suggesting a few easy, affordable options for local seniors. (Including dancing, learning new skills, going out in groups to interesting places. All sorts of groovy stuff. I offered to pay and was quite happy to do so. She got angry at me. Really snippy. So offended. So ...... dysfunctional.  I now think she was moaning for supply and to make me feel guilty for not doing the job of entertaining her, looking after her, meeting her every sodding need. It's such a small thing when I write it down but it's typical of the woman.

[Mathilda]

Same Sneezy. I tried to "fix" my mother's chronic loneliness and boredom by suggesting a few easy, affordable options for local seniors. (Including dancing, learning new skills, going out in groups to interesting places. All sorts of groovy stuff. I offered to pay and was quite happy to do so. She got angry at me. Really snippy. So offended. So ...... dysfunctional.  I now think she was moaning for supply and to make me feel guilty for not doing the job of entertaining her, looking after her, meeting her every sodding need. It's such a small thing when I write it down but it's typical of the woman.

In the years before I went NC I got raged at by my mother once after I had cleaned her kitchen. She was incredibly mad 
But why? 'Because I can't do that anymore!' But isn't it nice when I clean your kitchen? 'No! Because I can't do that anymore!'  Though she loved to complain about all the things she couldn't do anymore, she got mad when I cleaned the kitchen because she couldn't do that anymore. Thought I did her a favor. I was wrong.

You try everything to help them, and in the end they get mad at you for being such a terrible uncaring and unsensitive daughter.

[Boat Babe]

As adults we see it as beyond pathetic. As children we tied ourselves into impossible knots to please them, to appease them. To fucking parent them.  God I'm angry right now.

[Hepatica]

Dropping in to vent and say hey, this all sounds very familiar.

My uNPD mother had digestive issues, severe allergies to shell fish and general reactions to things that I too react to. I can't eat potato chips with MSG or bad preservatives or I get nausea, vomiting and headaches. She does too. I kept showing up at their house finding bags of sour cream and onion chips and I'd say Mom, this is going to make you worse. My uNPD father would buy her more and she'd have a bag beside her the next visit, and complain the whole time of nausea and digestive issues. She ended up in hospital for an emergency removal of her colon, with ulcerative colitis (not saying the chips caused it, but the smoking, the chips, never once did I see her drink water and drinks only coffee, the bad casino food all add up.)  For the year before this I had bought her cook books for colitis, but still she ate every chicken wing and chip that would make it worse. And she nearly died from the operation, getting sepsis afterward. Show up at hospital a few weeks after she'd been released from ICU and there was the sour cream and onion chips beside her, half eaten. 

Then she finally gets out of hospital, after six months of recovery and nearly dying twice and goes home. I try my hardest to get her to go outside. It is late spring and beautiful. She has an entire back yard, so much space that I must admit I envy terribly because I love gardening, and I buy her a patio set and try to get her outside to get some Vit. D after six months in hospital. She does come out that day, grumbling the whole time, but never uses the patio set again. She sits inside with the 24 hour news on and hates her life and never goes outside. She has not been reflective of being given a second chance to live better choices. She just wants to die.

I cannot take it.

Boat Babe, you're angry and I'm fuming, but I also cannot stop laughing over here. It's pure insanity.

[FromTheSwamp]

It took me the longest time to realize that my mother loves to be unhappy.  She lives the way she does because she wants to, not because she doesn't know how to fix it.  Getting someone to feel sorry for her is her favorite hobby. 

I spent so much energy trying to help her improve things, and she fought me at every step and was angry about it.  Of course she was!  I was trying to ruin the good thing she had going! 

[Andeza]

I feel this thread so much. From the anger at the pdPDs affected helplessness, to the gut wrenching fear of throwing up your hands and letting happen what will happen. I felt it all before I went NC.

Mine too, as most of you know I'm sure, decided she couldn't do for herself. She didn't know what to do because of medical problems A, B, C, D, etc. Suggested treatments were tossed by the wayside with a flippant "I tried that already" even if said treatment was less than a year old and had never been tried.

I decided it wasn't worth my time. MY time was more valuable to me than it was to her. I stopped offering suggestions, stopped listening to the medical drama woes by cutting her off and changing the subject, and eventually had to go NC. Now, late birthday cards are the only sign of life.

[zak]

I totally get what you're going through. Yes, I've been there and done that; the gut wrenching anxiety and dread before every visit, the trying to rescue/fix whatever this weeks chaos and dramas were. The sacrifice of your own mental health on the altar of her neediness. Enduring the 'punishments' and propaganda campaigns when her ridiculous expectations weren't met. The frustration when they ignore and neglect their own health, yet refuse to accept help.

Eventually I had to go NC. I asked my brother to step up as Guardian (we had to go to court to get Guardianship as she refused to sign the papers) and I walked away and didn't look back. It was a hard and emotional decision, but, in the end it was a decision of my own survival and right to live without the torment.

NC wasn't a silver bullet. I may be off the dance floor but I do still know what's going on. After six years NC, nothing has changed except she's now 88 and still causing non-stop drama and chaos; still refusing to go into AI, despite having worsening dementia. I now have the luxury of supporting my brother rather than being at the coal face in harms way.

She is much more compliant with her sons, while she always saw daughters as competition, to be pulled down and crushed. Two have been NC for 10 and 20+ years, while I hung in till the age of 57, something I regret now.

I wish it was over and she was gone. Even with NC there is vicarious trauma from still hearing about it and the propaganda campaign continues unabated even after six years. I have never regretted going NC. Not saying you should do the same but she's making her choices, and if it has to come to a crisis, then that's her choice too.You don't owe her anything, especially your mental health.

Best of luck !