World got me down

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Sojourner17

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World got me down
« on: November 07, 2020, 01:06:39 AM »
Hi all,  itís been a while since Iíve been on here. I think Iím mainly here tonight for a bit of a tune up.  Things are getting kind of crazy in the world and Iíve totally set myself up for a bad run in with unpdm. 

To set it up a bit.  I shared some information I came across regarding c19 and all thatís going on in my country  with my mom.  Partly out of concern for her and my dad and to be honest because the info was shocking.  We texted briefly about it and that was that.  Thing is... I totally fell into the negative family cycle of sharing bad news, getting everyone worked up... for no reason. 
Ffwd to this week and what is going on in the US.  mom came across some info that she wanted to share with me.  I had seen/read it already so I just carried on and didnít respond. She then said that ďyouĒ should seriously consider moving back to my home province if a certain person was not elected.  I didnít respond partly out of being busy and partly out of not knowing what to say. 

I left it a day and she texted again asking if I had looked at the info I sent.  I told her I hadnít gotten to all of it and the rest I already knew about.  I also said we were not afraid and were staying where we are.  She then texted a question regarding bothering to share with me and apparently I have it all figured out.

I totally feel like I set myself up but also like her response was unwarranted and unkind.  Usually if I send someone info I just leave it at that.  If they want to respond okay, if not I just leave it and chalk it up to being busy/letting them do what they want with it. 

Iím vlc with my mom.  Iím sure she is feeling a lot of stress with all that is going on.  I have my moments where I feel stress/anxiety over the world we live in. 

Part of me feels like I need to calm her fears/anxiety/anger and another part of me thinks... wait a minute,  Iím the one facing a life of trying to navigate through and having to help our small children navigate through some weird, dangerous and tough circumstances without being able to fall back on previous generations stability and wisdom.  I think that and I feel anger and a sense of injustice.   

Maybe I should have never opened the door to sharing information and yet I donít want them to be in the dark about things Iím seeing in case they need to make decisions.  Iíd feel awful if I held back on something and something happened. 

The first thing I thought when the mention of wanting us to move back was...   :sadno:
 
Anyways,  now I feel like a fool.  I told my DH and he asked why I opened myself up to that happening based on what we know seems to be the pattern.   :-\.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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Andeza

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Re: World got me down
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2020, 02:32:09 AM »
You did it because you care, because you're a good person, and because it seemed like the right thing to do. That's why.

With non-disordered people that's perfectly fine. But when we've got these pwPDs in our lives... it's not likely to end well. It's hard to change our expectations. We expect normal. Gratitude for concern, etc. What we get is snippy sarcasm and waif insults.  :stars:

Yeah, the world is kinda crazy. But... it always had been. History teaches us that it has never been perfect, or safe, or healthy. Now, I like to look at the past and say huh, that was a rough time period, but they kept going.  That was a nasty plague, but humanity survived. Etc. In other words bad stuff happens, but we find a way and we keep going. So as crazy as it is... it's kinda par for the course.

I'm sorry your parents were ungrateful. You didn't have to offer them anything, but you did. That said, I encourage you to reframe the way you look at them. You feel the need right now to take care of them in some way, but they are adults. They are responsible for themselves, and they are responsible for staying informed and taking the necessary precautions. You can throw them a life preserver, but there is no guarantee they'll take it.  In fact, with disordered individuals, they tend to complain that the life preserver is the wrong color, or the wrong size, or it looks dumb,  or that it's only for old people.  :roll:

One thing I know. You can count on a disordered person to act in disordered ways.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
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GettingOOTF

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Re: World got me down
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2020, 09:43:25 AM »
In times of stress we are pulled back to what is familiar to us. We easily fall back in to old habits.

I am shocked at how much the uncertainty is the US election is impacting me and Iíve also felt pulled back to old patterns and coping habits.

I realized yesterday that there has been so much uncertainly this year with Covid, the General situation here and a few personal things that the election uncertainly which I would have ignored in more normal times is actually quite a big deal right now. Iíd already reached my ďlife uncertaintyĒ limits.

Your parents are adults. They have access to the same information as you do. Itís not your responsibility to keep them informed. I doubt thereís many people who arenít aware of either the Covid or the US political situation. If these are things that impact people they can gather their own info.

My family is also one that likes to share negative news and get everyone worked up. Iím NC now but I still feel the pull to share with them and I have wondered what they are saying or thinking about things right now. That said Iím also SO relieved that on top of everything else I donít have to deal with my family ďdramaĒ. Iím able to see how how none of what we shared and focused on was helpful.

Be kind to yourself. These are stressful times for everyone and we are navigating them as best we can.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: World got me down
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2020, 03:33:52 AM »
I'm reminded of the saying "give an inch and they'll take a mile". Only when dealing with PD Parents it seems to be "give an inch and they'll take over your life".

I think your response of "yes I've seen that" was a very appropriate response to a shared article.

What's not an appropriate response is an apparent expectation that you'll abandon your adult life to resume childhood in your M's home. Because that's the expectation that I read in your M's message, even if that's not quite how it was worded.

The world is a risky place. You could very well throw in the towel, move back to M's province, or right into her house. You could let her run every aspect of your life. And still get covid-19. Or get hit by a bus. Or a million and one other bad, deadly things could happen.

(Not wishing these things on you or anyone else of course!!)

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: World got me down
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2020, 05:54:10 AM »
"her response was unwarranted and unkind" Yes it is

"apparently I have it all figured out" Yes you do.

Sometimes I ask DH to "zzom out" back out his view of things, get unsttuck from the details, words. It helps us both.

Take her words as they are, remove the tone in your head in which you read them. That helps me too. It takes the power away from the words and removes the underlying manipulation we know is there. Not that it removes the entirely and we're blind to it, but it removes it enough to take the emotion out of it and remove the power in the words.
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Sojourner17

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Re: World got me down
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2020, 12:17:24 AM »
Thank you all for the responses.  They were very much appreciated.  I like the idea of taking the emotion/tone out of the words.  Iím going to try to remember to do that. 
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery