I’m changing...and I dont like it

Matteblak · November 09, 2020, 03:57:48 PM

Hey,
I'm new to this, and I am terrible at talking about my feelings, but it just thought I'd see what others have to say. I've been married for 15 years, and about the first 2 of them were okay. I am a people pleaser and tried for years to fix all the "problems" that she would face in other areas of her life (friends, church, my family, me etc.) about 3 years ago I realized that much of what she had been complaining about (people, persecution, unfair treatment) since we met was either blind suspicion, speculation, or just plain made up. In addition, she gets angry VERY easily, she is completely self centered ("my son" "my house" etc...), acts entitled, lies to and about others, is controlling, etc. the list actually goes on.
I start there to say, I'm noticing that I am becoming easily irritated, I am constantly feeling distracted or preoccupied, like I'm missing mental bandwidth. I am looking for ways to catch her, I'm saving voicemails, I'm trying to record conversations...craziness.
Last night I lost it. She started an argument (literally the same one every time) and then would NOT let me out. I just wanted to stop arguing. Holding my hands up, walking away...But I couldn't get out so I jumped in fully. I said everything that I'd thought but never said, I told her how much she'd hurt me, it just ALL came out, I was yelling...all of this in front of my 9 year old son. I sounded like a crazy person.
I went to sleep crying, feeling like I didn't know who I am any more.
When I woke up, she was waiting to calmly tell me all the things that were wrong that I had done, that she was an abuse victim and that she deserves better. I apologized but she didn't say a word about any of the things she had said (this one was probably a 50/50 fight).
Am I becoming her? What do I do? How can she be so calm in rebuking me when she started and fueled it? What do I do? Frankly, I just want a hug.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I'm in the right place.

Boat Babe · November 09, 2020, 04:54:37 PM

Hi Matteblak. You are definitely in the right place. Unfortunately.

People who have been here longer will give you lots of helpful tips and pointers. And a lot of validation and support. The Out of the FOG website has a wealth of information and you might want to start with the tools. Learning how to respond rather than react to a disordered person using Medium Chill and Grey Rock (these terms are pretty self explanatory and they work. Learning not to JADE (justify, argue, deny, explain) is another one.

This forum is an absolute goldmine of lived experience and hard earned wisdom. In my early days here, I binge read the threads. The understanding and support of fellow survivors is so so helpful.

There are books and YouTube channels, mostly about Narcissist abuse, but I kinda see it as the cluster fuck of Cluster B personality disorders.

Much of what we eventually find ourselves doing is begin on the path of self discovery and healing. Sometimes we are able to do this whilst living with a disordered spouse, sometimes not. It is this part of the journey that is the most interesting but when you are in the eye of the storm, it's almost impossible to see that far ahead.

I hope this can help you make your first steps out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. See you on the boards.

SparkStillLit · November 09, 2020, 07:27:34 PM

I just wanted to say, welcome...sorry....
Also, you're not turning into her. There is something, it has a name, where they push and push and then you lose your cool and they claim abuse. I CANNOT remember the term, but someone whose brain is firing will link it for you. Don't freak out. Stay here and talk to us, check out and use the Toolbox up there. This place is a lifesaver.

Boat Babe · November 09, 2020, 08:10:37 PM

Baiting perhaps?

Veloter · November 09, 2020, 08:19:57 PM

What you are describing is reactive abuse. They push and push and push until you lose it and then they calmly look at you and accuse you of being abusive. Your reaction is their "proof" that this is all your fault and they are a victim. Grey rock and medium chill are your best friends (see toolbox). It was a game changer for me. My husband would bait me until I acted like a lunatic. Then his job was done. When I stopped reacting, he stepped up his game, but so did I. It's not fun for him anymore.

11JB68 · November 09, 2020, 09:45:37 PM

Spark, is DARVO the term you were thinking of?

1footouttadefog · November 09, 2020, 10:14:34 PM

When most nons first really start seeing the reality there is alot of anger involved.

I was quite angry for a time. I did not like it at all. I turned to self care to gain tye strength to process it all. Self care was something I had done without for a long time as part of my sacrificing more and more to "fix" things.

I think what you are describing is normal.

I now see i was grieving and anger is a part of grief.

Nons often grieve who we married or thought we married. We grieve our own identity in the relationship. We grieve the years of our life and the efforts, and the loves lost, the friendships lost, the time with family, the vacations and holidays ruined, the job opportunities, the educational opporunities, the social life changes or what ever has been sacrificed for the sake of the relationship.

Then there is for many the guilt aspect of discovering or realizing core values were stretched or altered for the relationship all for naught.

For many being gas lighted, manipulated, and abused is part of newly realized identity that is hard to swallow and that adds even more complexity to things.

Be kind you yourself at this time. Practice self care. Keep reading here and check the toolbox area. Stay strong.

SparkStillLit · November 10, 2020, 06:47:26 AM

Veloter had it, it was "reactive abuse". I read a whole article about it somewhere in here.

blunk · November 10, 2020, 07:52:01 AM

Matteblak, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I too went through this with my bpdxh. Early on in the relationship his blow-ups were few and far between, and I was able to calm him and smooth things over. As time went on the rages were worse and worse, and I was not longer able to defuse the situation.

Eventually I found that I would react in terrible ways, such as (and I am not proud to admit this) jumping up and down in a circle in the kitchen while yelling I can't f%^&ing do this anymore. It was like he fed off of that type of reaction, and he actually told me that he liked that I had started fighting back instead of remaining quiet. Another time he pushed and pushed me, knowing exactly the buttons to push to get a reaction out of me...and eventually I blew up and threw a pair of socks at him (not even balled up), and he said he was going to call the cops and have me charged with assault. Not that I was right to do that, but he knew what he was doing in trying to get a reaction out of me...and really...assault with socks???

In a moment of calm I opened up, and explained to him that every time I reacted like that, I felt like I was losing a little piece of myself. His reaction...being a little dramatic, aren't we? It wasn't exactly the last straw, but that camel was struggling mightily. I knew then that he didn't see anything wrong with acting that way, that he actually thrived on the chaos. And I also knew that I couldn't live that way for the rest of my life, and eventually I ended the marriage.

As others have said, there is a wealth of information here, as well as the understanding of those who have been exactly where you are now. Read as much as you can. One thing that helped me was the Top 100 Traits in the Toolbox tab. I was so relieved to be able to put a name to so many of the bizarre behaviors that I had been witnessing for so many years. I even printed it out and marked off the ones the he did most often. It was shocking to see that more than half of the list was marked. I wish you well, whatever path you choose in you relationship.

Boat Babe · November 10, 2020, 08:02:40 AM

Yeah, I did that after splitting up with exuPDbf. I also made a list of all the horrible things he said. I looked at it whenever I felt the pull to contact him! Worked a treat.

1footouttadefog · November 10, 2020, 12:06:25 PM

Quote from: blunk on November 10, 2020, 07:52:01 AM

As others have said, there is a wealth of information here, as well as the understanding of those who have been exactly where you are now. Read as much as you can. One thing that helped me was the Top 100 Traits in the Toolbox tab. I was so relieved to be able to put a name to so many of the bizarre behaviors that I had been witnessing for so many years. I even printed it out and marked off the ones the he did most often. It was shocking to see that more than half of the list was marked. I wish you well, whatever path you choose in you relationship.

I had the same experiemce with the traits list.

Boat Babe · November 10, 2020, 12:22:43 PM

Yeah, the pathology plays out along very specific behaviours. I suppose the way the pathology of a physical illness would manifest.

Utterly predictable after a while.

Lauren17 · November 10, 2020, 12:51:08 PM

Matteblak,
Welcome to the forum.
I used to get angry like that too. H would push and push until I snapped at him. Then he would patronize and call me volatile and easily angered. He would tell the kids things like, "watch out, or Mom will get mad again." And I completely accepted that I was this angry person.
For me, this anger was more the jumping around in a circle shouting type than it was the indignant anger I felt during grieving.
My anger was a sign that something was desperately wrong and needed to be addressed. The day I realized that I wasn't quick to anger, but that is was H's projection, it was like someone flipped a switch in my brain. I still get angry sometimes, but not as often as before.
Please listen to what your anger is trying to tell you. Learning traits and terms and finding out I wasn't alone have been instrumental in growing stronger.
Hugs

Matteblak · November 10, 2020, 01:16:40 PM

Thank you all. I visited the "what not to" page first. Apparently all I do is JADE. Today, She told me to "stop justifying myself" and to "listen!". I actually smiled at the recognition. I will visit each of the lists you've suggested and check in as I have more "eureka" moments. I've tried gray rock, but I can't keep it up, and that leads to more yelling and accusations of coldness and abandonment. I had never heard of "medium chill" but I'm going to print and practice. Also going to look at the top 100. Thanks again.

aPrettyNiceGuy · November 11, 2020, 05:37:59 PM

Glad you found the group! Recognizing the cycle we're in as signs/symptoms of a mental illness is a very liberating first step - you can see actual evidence that these behaviors are typical, on your part and on the part of your partner. I've found a lot of strength in reading posts here and on shrink4men.com, as well as in videos by Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, MedCircle, and Kati Morton. Be careful about pointing out to your partner that she has X disorder or that she shows symptoms of Narcissism, OCPD, or any other Personality Disorder. My experience is they get VERY angry, they can't see it, and certainly wouldn't admit they were responsible for starting fights over something that isn't hugely important.

Their ego is way too fragile for that.

Hope those resources are helpful, and again good luck in dealing with this!

tragedy or hope · November 11, 2020, 06:41:35 PM

Matteblak,
You seem to communicate your thoughts very well. so much so that many of us could identify right away. That seems sane. No one here handles an N perfectly. It is the most distressing personality disorder to have to deal with.

I hope you feel welcome here and come to this site often. Many wonderful people who have suffered ahead of us share their lives and experiences which in turn make ours better. Welcome, welcome, welcome.