The Power of Denial

[Sapling]

Sorry about the long post! I came to this forum because I was having trouble with a uHPD friend and my uDPD sister. When my T said that some of the behavior I was describing sounded consistent with PD behavior, I sought out the Out of the FOG forum to get some support because I (thought) I hadn't really experienced PDs before. The thing is- only when I began reading about other people going NC with their PD parents/sibs/relatives did I think back to a decade ago when I went NC with my parents without having any of the PD language to describe what was going on. Since then I have gone from NC to VLC to LC. I made these transitions gradually when I was ready and I don't regret any stage of it. The NC was an act of self-preservation and my mental health depended on it at the time. It probably also saved my life. The LC now is something I monitor and assess carefully and I pull back if anything that happens in a family setting bothers me in any way.

I am pretty shocked that these events that happened 10 years ago have lived in a separate compartment of my brain all this time and that only now am I making connections between what my parents were like and recent events involving PDs and other relationships I've had with uPDs. I struggle with the term uNPD but can accept that their parenting style was narcissistic. My sibs and I were constantly compared and pitted against each other when we were younger and this made it difficult for us to support each other when we were younger. We were all imprisoned in our own silos in the FOO because of them. When I read articles about inter-generational Narcissism, it describes at least three generations of my family. My parents are also very well liked and respected in the community and this makes things difficult because the pain my sibs and I carry is not only invisible but also implausible to others. In fact, people actually feel sorry for our parents because none of us are married or seen as successful. My parents go out of their way to help other people and I have witnessed them do very kind things for other people, which is why it is so confusing when they treat us with contempt or lash out at us because we don't behave like programmed robots.

Because my parents were immigrants I put a lot of stuff down to an unavoidable culture clash and tried to move on from it. But I think it was more than that because I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness when I am not "achieving" and perfectionism that goes back to their their expectation that I- the designated GC- would fulfill all their dreams and make them look good to other people. Growing up, I was like the goose that laid the golden eggs winning prizes at school and giving them lots to brag about. When that stopped. Ie. when I decided what I wanted to do with myself was very different from what they wanted, I finally felt the full weight of their disapproval and rage. I am actually ok with disapproval but I still carry a lot of pain and anguish about the ways in which we were all treated at home and the fact that they will never admit, even to themselves, that they have hurt us. My older brother (the SG) had it the worst and to his credit he still turned out to be one of the kindest people I know. Somehow we managed to mend our relationship despite being pitted against each other and a couple of years ago he helped me see the early warning signs of a uNPD BF and leave the relationship before things got really bad.

I guess I'm posting this here to admit all this to myself and to you all because I have obviously kept this information from myself. Even though I have set boundaries accordingly, I do not know how to fully hold the information that my parents were who they were. I'm afraid that who they are means something about me (as crazy as that sounds). I feel like a lot of my denial is falling away like dominoes right now and I'm grateful for that but its also pretty weird and scary.

[Thru the Rain]

I can tell you that I also came here to Out of the FOG to deal with a difficult friendship, and as I learned more it helped me put into words the conflict we've had for many years with my uNFiL and my uPDM.

In the case of my FiL, we had long since gone no contact before I came across this site. I'm not sure if this site even existed yet but I do wish we had the language and insights we've gained from Out of the FOG. It would have made the decision to disconnect from DH's family feel less drastic - and may even have helped us save those relationships.

In the case of my M, I know I've been able to use techniques learned here to help me cope with her and also to avoid quite a lot of conflict.

I'm glad you found Out of the FOG. It's been very helpful to me in navigating my family without guilt.

[Sapling]

In the case of my FiL, we had long since gone no contact before I came across this site. I'm not sure if this site even existed yet but I do wish we had the language and insights we've gained from Out of the FOG. It would have made the decision to disconnect from DH's family feel less drastic - and may even have helped us save those relationships.

Thanks for your reply, Rain.

I also wish I had known this language when I went NC with my parents. I self-blamed a lot and questioned myself way beyond what was necessary. I felt like a monster for cutting them out. It was hard to reassure myself that I had done the right thing, and that kind of constant questioning takes its toll.

Definitely glad to have found the Out of the FOG site and with it, some of the missing pieces of the puzzle.

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome to the forum.

There can be a lot of pressure on us to accept our parents no matter what. A lot of is have families where this has a long history of people staying in contact with their parents - no matter what - their entire lives.

Trees

[Sapling]

Thank you Trees. Yes it does not help that we live in a world full of platitudes about family - 'blood is thicker than water,' 'there's nothing like a mother's love,' 'your family love you no matter what' etc. etc... It makes the decisions around PD behavior, far more difficult than they need to be.

[mazenavigator]

Thank you for your post.  Your title caught my eye.  I'm pretty much VLC with my parents at this point and their denial is super strong.  I really have quite a superficial relationship with them at this point.  It feels strange when I think of it in the terms you mention - "blood is thicker than water", e.g.

But, when I think about relating to my parents in terms of having a functional relationship with other humans, my limits and little contact seems totally reasonable, even a bit "too nice".

This board has been great for me to to help overcome a lot of the guilt and obligation that I've felt that, in reality, just gets in the way. Good luck with your family and thanks again for posting.

[Sapling]

Dear mazenavigator,

Thank you for sharing some of your own experience. I'm so glad this has helped. I know that feeling of guilt and obligation well. When I hear from other people who have gone through NC or reduced contact with parents it also makes me feel sane.

I totally hear you when you say: "But, when I think about relating to my parents in terms of having a functional relationship with other humans, my limits and little contact seems totally reasonable, even a bit "too nice". Yes, yes, yes. *nods vigorously*

Good for you, laying down the boundary you needed to lay down with your parents. Much respect to you.