Annoyed: Fielding questions about updxh

[Free2Bme]

Ok so, friends or acquaintances will make comments such as...

"so, now that it's been almost 5 years, how are things going with you and exH, ya'll are getting along better now, right?"   
"exH probably wants you back now huh?"   

or in regards to an issue with one of my children...
"well, what have you and exH discussed/decided about xyz?" 

I am at a loss as to what to say.  Particularly with those who know my story (re:abuse) and think of me as credible/honest, yet seem to have a sudden onset of amnesia.  W.T.H.   

I'm tempted to have a not-so-nice response like...
(cue the sarcasm)
"you mean the person who put bruises (both physical and psychological) on my children and I?"... 
"the same one who has tried to destroy me financially, spiritually, emotionally, relationally....?"   
"the father who refuses to co-parent with me on things that would benefit our children so he can blame me for all the destruction... because I left him?"   
"the one who plays the victim to promote himself within the church we used to attend to secure his status?"
........ that guy ?   
Oy vey.

I will not recap history or expend energy refreshing their memory.  I usually just say, "no, we are not on speaking terms, and don't expect we ever will"..............ugh. 
I am too nice and always concerned about making the other person feel comfortable but geez, some folks are just not aware, don't get it, never will. 

Just once, I would like someone to ask me, "How are you Free2Bme?  How is recovery going?  Is exH still pulling crap with you?"

It seems that as long as you are:  vertical, walkin', talkin', and have a pulse,  people think you are doing FANTASTIC!
(and these are the well-meaning people!)

Anyone been in this spot?  I think people just live in a different world and don't know what to say, Lord give me patience.  I think the problem is me, my expectations are unrealistic, something I need to work on within myself, I know.
Any suggestions for how to respond/deal with this frustration, how to think differently?
(I am sorry about ranting)

[Poison Ivy]

I have been in this spot. I'm working right now but will try to remember to answer at more length later.

[Poison Ivy]

One of my brothers regularly asks me how my ex-husband is doing, with a tone of "poor guy, he's all alone in his late parents' house, blah, blah, blah." If my brother wants to take care of my ex, fine; but I don't want to take care of my ex or encourage the pitying that feeds my ex's self-victimization.

[plainwords]

My ex was never physically abusive, but I've had the gaslighting, verbal abuse, triangulation... My ex needs to look like the good guy and he's pulled some pretty lowlife stunts to make him look like the 'poor guy'. He plays this role well and so I understand. People know what I put up with, with him. His family are all supportive of me to some extent, but honestly, I do still get 'How did ex feel about the outcome of xyz?'. My mum is the worst culprit of this. Drives me nuts.

Like you, my stoic reply is always 'We're not speaking terms'.

The one person that gets it weirdly is my line manager at work. She always asks how things are going and if I'm ok, but she has been through a similar situation.

[Mintstripes]

People just don’t get it. They don’t want to really talk about the hard stuff.

I had a friend (who is now more of an acquaintance) who would ask if LO was seeing her dad (my UnPDxh). I’d say something like “yes, he’s coming to pick her up for the day tomorrow” and she’d respond with stupid nonsense like “aww! So glad she gets to see him.”

Why are you “so glad”? This is a person who knew we lived in a DV shelter for emotional and other abuse, knew that UnPDxh was inconsistent with his parenting time and unreliable, knew that he likes to start drama with me...

This is why I don’t have many friends. I hate fake talk and people who can’t be real.

[Boat Babe]

So many people just don't get it. In a way, it's understandable, because until you have experienced that level of insanity, it's just inconceivable. Doesn't make it easy though, because loved ones really should listen to you and take you seriously.

That said, when you do talk to someone who does get it, there is almost always an instant cameraderie and a sharing of utterly bonkers stories. When you know, you know.

[Poison Ivy]

One of my adult children left yesterday after visiting for six weeks. (Because of the pandemic, she stayed longer than she usually would.) While my daughter was in state, she stayed either with me or at my sister's house (where she self-isolated after the flight here) for five and a half weeks and at my ex's house for three days. I paid most of the hosting expenses (including sending groceries with my daughter when she went to my ex's house, because he had mostly junk food). I was also doing my full-time job, working from home. My ex did drive our daughter to the airport yesterday. My brother chose to comment this morning on the long day that my ex and our daughter had yesterday. Thanks for the support, bro: not!

[GettingOOTF]

I have come to see that some people just “love drama”. I’m sure there’s an official term for that.

Some people just love to drag up hurtful things with others. I actually used to be like this. Always digging for some drama with no thought to the hurt I caused. I was like this because my entire family was. It was simply how we were.

I worked on my codependency and boundaries and I no longer do this. I recognize when others are. I have come to see that people who do this don’t care about me. It’s entertainment and “supply” for them.

If you take a step back you’ll see that there is no reason for them to be asking about your ex from FIVE YEARS ago. You’ll probably notice how you don’t really ever bring him up. Others however are stuck back on that time of pain and drama.

I think as we heal we mature, for lack of a better word. Not everyone is capable of maturing beyond a certain point so they stay stuck in that mindset. They say alcoholic develop the level of emotional maturity of the age they started drinking at. I think this is true for a lot of people. Some people only mature up to a certain point and others have to leave them where they are or continue to be held back.

[Whiteheron]

Oh my yes. This just came up a few weeks ago - from someone at the kids' school I had carefully explained the situation to (for custody reasons). This gentleman came up to me in a semi-private setting, claiming to need to speak to my xH about something or other relating to something at the school that xH would never, in  million years, have anything to do with. This man knew this, but insisted that he try to persuade xH anyways.

This man would not take, 'no, I can't contact him for you. no, I can't ask xH to do anything. no, I can't get you onto his calendar' for an answer. Instead this man said "come on! this man is the father of your children, that has to mean something" and the topper "you were with him for so long, surely there is some kind of spark left..." 

The problem is not you. Some people just don't get it.

I usually say, "I'm not in regular contact with xH" or "Oh, I haven't heard from xH lately, so I'm not sure..." something along those lines. Internally, I'm thinking "Are you f*ing serious?? Do you realize what this man is putting me through?!?!?!"

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey Free and all you others who are dealing with this, my heart goes out to you. I think Free got it when she notes that the people who ask after her ex don't ask after her and how she is doing. Some people are just clueless, and think they are helping because of their own codependency, and some people enjoy others' pain. How many celebrity news is gleeful accounts of other people's divorces? Some of these stories seem on the sadistic side. I think a broken relationship is an easy target for those who would like to hurt us. Especially for people who don't have a strong sense of self, being rejected or otherwise having a relationship fail is a big wound. And how easy it is to attack at an already weak spot, especially covertly. I've been there too, somewhat. My parents loved to bring up my ex boyfriend at every opportunity and my uNF called my husband by my ex-boyfriend's name for YEARS. There is no such thing as moving on in PD world. All I can say is keep your heads up and your rocks grey.

[Poison Ivy]

I think my brother is clueless, not sadistic. But his behavior still bugs me.

[Free2Bme]

Thanks to all for the validation and sharing your experiences, it helps to know I;m not the only one.


I am feeling more settled about this issue, hopefully I won't pop-off at the next person who asks me about the ex-monster, lol. 

It is sadly true about us homosapiens, we like drama.  If it bleeds, it leads as they say........ I know i have felt the pull of this at times.

I believe that if I feed my appetite for drama (unforgiveness, self-pity, fear, whatever), it will increase in size.  If I starve it , it shrinks and has less power over me.  I want to cultivate good things in my mind/heart.


Whiteheron-  Wow,  that guy's behavior is unreal and bizarre.  He was crossing boundaries.

"keep your heads up and your rocks grey"
Call me Cordellia~  too funny, love this !