Is this plan realistic?

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hello everyone, so I have been trying to work out the practicalities of my situation as regards leaving. I have an idea and I thought I might run it past you guys to see if you think this is workable:

We are renting. Ideally I would like to find a new home for me and kids to rent. It is impossible. There is a terrible housing crisis going on here. There are no suitable houses available. There are tiny one bed apartments, but no houses. I can move in with family, but only short term (one month maximum). So my plan is to get pdH to leave our family home, so that me and kids can move back in. PdH has nowhere to go, no friends or family nearby. If he is left to his own devices, he will squat in our family home and claim he can't find anywhere else to rent.

SO this is my plan: how about if I find somewhere for him to rent? I could find an apartment fairly easily - it wouldn't be suitable for kids, but would be fine for a single person. I could get the place all set up, pay the deposit etc. Then I would tell him to move out, tell him his new address is x. Me and kids would stay with family during this process of him moving out.. then we would move back in.

Obviously every pd is different, but does this sound like a plan that could work?
I am really desperate and grasping at straws here, trying to cling on to our family home and avoid myself and kids becoming homeless. Sure living with a pd is stressful. Becoming homeless and living in a shelter would also be another kind of stressful, and that is honestly what would happen if I move out with nowhere to go, and if pdH squats in our house.

If pdH had family nearby I would tell him to go and live with his family. I am that angry and totally done with this. I would not hesitate. However, I cannot tell him to leave if he has nowhere to go and would literally be on the streets.. hence my idea of finding a place for him.

This housing crisis is making it so hard for me to escape.

[clara]

It's realistic only to the extent he goes along with it.  What are the chances of that?  Have you discussed it with him?  You could always line up your arguments for what you're doing, make it sound like a really good and attractive plan (approach it from a position of strength, i.e., this will be really good for you because...) and then sell him on it.  Once he agrees, act quickly, don't let him dwell too much on it, keep up the positive talk. 

Then, once the housing market improves, find somewhere else for you to live.  As long as you're in the "family home" he'll also see it as his and likely make attempts to come back.  Get some place that's in your name and your name only so if he tries you can say, sorry, the lease is only in my name.  When he's finally forced to take responsibility for himself, he might actually do it. 

[GettingOOTF]

My ex had no where to go. I managed to get him out and he figured it out. The issue really comes down to his willingness to cooperate.

I'd speak with an attorney to see what your options are. I was lucky in that I held all the cards and my ex didn't fight me until it was too late for him to gain anything.

I would absolutely not rent anything obvious behalf. You will be liable to all sorts of things and you have no idea how nasty he will get.

You really need the guidance of an attorney in this situation.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks - yes I think I could sell it to him. I spoke to a solicitor and she suggested helping him to find somewhere - so perhaps not renting somewhere exactly, but very much playing an active role in helping him find somewhere. So perhaps this is the best idea. I won't sign a lease or hand over money, just in case he refuses to co-operate. I will bring the kids to my parents place, break the news to him that he must leave our family home, and then start making phone calls, helping him find somewhere to rent.

My plan is to stay in this rented home for 2 more years and then buy my own home for me and the kids. I will be able to do this, by my calculations. Mortgage will actually be cheaper than rent (clearly the housing situation in my country is a mess).

Everyone is different I guess. I don't feel able to kick pdH out on the street. I would feel happier knowing he had somewhere to live. So I don't think there is any harm in helping him find somewhere, because otherwise it won't happen.

Ideally a house might turn up for me and kids to rent, but it doesn't look likely.

[GettingOOTF]

I found that in order to get things going I had to give up my idea that I had to do the right thing by my ex and ensure he had a soft landing.

At the end of the day he is an adult and 100% responsible for where he ended it.

It took me a long time to get to this place though.

[sad_dog_mommy]

In my experience; my co-dependency is one of the reasons why I got so ensnared by a BPD narcissist.    He seemed helpless.  It took me a long time to get Out of the FOG because I was overly focused on what he would do when I asked him to move out .  (I own the house we lived in)  I did not realize that I allowed him to become infantilized.  He liked that I was his mommy who provided food and shelter without him lifting a finger. (he was chronically unemployed)   If I had tried to pick a place for my exBF he would have rejected every thing I found just to be difficult.   Plus, he didn't want to move if he had the choice. 

Long story short, he found a room to rent short-term all on his own.   When it comes to "sink or swim"  a person with a personality disorder will SWIM because they are so wrapped up in their own needs.   At some point he has to start making decisions and choices.  And he should take his children's comfort into consideration! 

Focus on the kids needs and most importantly YOUR needs and keep your eyes on the future.   You are not alone.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Again guys, I am not codependent. I am truly Out of the FOG and fuelled by pure anger and a desire to be as far from this human parasite as possible.
Trust me, I know what this looks like. The ONLY reason I am contemplating helping him find a place to rent is that if I don't, he will squat in our family home and refuse to leave. We are in the middle of a massive housing crisis here. Lads, I wish I could tell you where I am from and then ye might understand, but lets just say the situation here is desperate. The only way I can ensure that me and kids do not end up living in a homeless shelter is if I can get pdH OUT of our family home. Left to his own devices, he will do *!*! all as regards finding a place. He will just pretend he can't find an apartment. In 'helping' him I am in fact serving my own agenda e.g get him the hell out of my house, so that me and kids can live here. No codepedency here lads, I can assure you that. If I had a choice, I'd rather find a brand new place for me and kids to rent. I'm not religious but I am praying something turns up.
My absolute terror is: I move out with kids, to stay with family. I tell pdH to leave the family home. He either refuses or pretends he can't find anywhere to go. Me and kids are stuck with family and end up homeless. That is my nightmare. It's what I am desperate to avoid. I can't do in-house separation because of safety concerns.
I'm just so frustrated. I just want to find a house for me and kids!!! 

[SparkStillLit]

My only thought is he will find something wrong with every situation you find for him, much like the elderly PDs have done on here, and just continue to squat in your home.
Otherwise, it seems a plausible solution.

[Rose1]

If you can sell it to him it could work. Its sensible but no guarantee your stbx will see it that way.
Caution- do not put your name on the lease,  pay bond and rent if you like but know you will not get it back as it will have to be in his name.
Think about his habits and abilities. Will he trash the place or damage it? If his name is on the lease its his problem.
Caution 2. He knows where you live. Can you get the house secured?  Ie cameras? What happens while you are at work? Will he let himself in?

Asking because my exbpdh left,  didn't let us know where he went but waited until we were out of the house to let himself in, worked there, took kids moneybox etc. I ended up getting the key off him but he had one more breakin attempt after that. The only thing that stopped him was that his name would have been impacted for getting another rental. And the fact that I moved within 3  months.  Main reason for the move was memories and his feeling of ownership over the place (also a rental).
My experience was the only time I got him to do something was when it impacted him or threatened to make him look bad to his parents.  (BTW when he left he went back to his parents but didn't let me know where he was. He ended up staying there for 2 years)

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone. Oh I would change the locks definitely, and get security cameras installed. (My landlord is nice and I'm sure she would be ok with this - plus I am friends with the neighbours so I would have people looking out for me).

Last time I left, I was worried he would do all sorts of crazy things but he didn't. He just moaned, love bombed, then when that didn't work he started threatening and manipulating me. I was still in the fog at the time. I'd never even heard of pd, and he hadn't been given his diagnosis. Now I am totally Out of the FOG, and I have much stronger resolve. So I think I could get him to leave.

I've tweaked the plan - I will have a few property viewings lined up, but will not actually rent anywhere for him until he has agreed. I need to pretend like this is his choice (narcissists and their egos). Dear lord, the stupid games we have to play with these pds! With a normal person I could sit down and have a discussion, explain that his children need their home, and ask him to leave.