How did you go NC? Did you tell your PD family member or partner?

[poetandpunk]

Thanks for your reply, DistanceNotDefense! It was so thorough and thoughtful!

I could really resonate with something you wrote:
'part of it is hope. Part of it is also to get more proof they are indeed PD enablers/tendency havers when they do reach out, or maybe even covert PDs (in the case of my M especially), because my whole FOO is a real trip and have me second guessing constantly.'

I can completely relate. For a long time, I kept one tiny window open for my brother, because occasionally I would get tiny glimpses into my family that just affirmed my choice to go NC EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It just provided proof upon proof, if that makes sense.

But now I realise it was playing with fire. I am not saying you should do what I am doing or anything like that! Please don't misread or misunderstand. Ultimately you will find your way in your own time with your own boundaries. I just mean to say that for me, keeping the line of communication open with one of my family members did affirm my choice and did provide proof, but it was at the expense of breathing in the toxicity through my brother's comments and just by dint of his proximity to them. If that makes sense.

I've read elsewhere that NC means NC, and I am beginning to think that is def the case for me.

[anniegreen]

I simply stopped contact. I feel like that's just the best thing to do. They will get the message soon enough.

[harlowblakely]

I have gone NC with my BPD mom twice now, the first time telling her I was going NC and the second time not. The first time was after I graduated High School, I wrote her a three page letter on all of the things she had done to hurt me and after she left for work I packed up my car, left the letter and my key on her desk, and left. I blocked her phone number and she sent me a box of things that I had left (on purpose mind you because I didn't want them). In that box she wrote me a letter which boiled down to "I am sorry your dad brain washed you."

Needless to say I know that she didn't absorb any of what I had poured out into my letter. That was further confirmed right before I went NC with her again this past year when we got in an argument and she said that I left the first time without giving her a reason, I had given her plenty.

This second time going NC has been a little more messy. My brother who had stopped contact with her 15 years ago (doesn't mean she hasn't tried) contacted her to get back something of his that she has held onto for all of this time. When he did that she dropped me so quickly, he has always been the favorite even though she hasn't known him for fifteen years. So I just decided when she finally decided to talk to me again when she realized that he didn't want a relationship with her I wouldn't respond. This time I didn't give her any reasons, I just stopped talking to her. She hasn't let it go easy, she has driven by my current address at least two times that we know of and she called the county about some remodeling we were doing which shut down our construction and we still haven't been able to resume.

This all to say that neither situation necessarily felt better. I do have the thoughts of what does she think. I know that my step-dad is totally brain-washed by her and I often think about what he thinks about it. But at the end of the day, I have come to the conclusion that she is going to act irrationally no matter what way I do. She has shown me that's the case. I empathize with wondering what others think and hoping that they don't feel hurt by my going NC. I have recently gotten to the point that my mother is going to be hurt by anything I do that is against exactly what she wants and since I can't be her and don't want to be, I will likely always be hurting her. I also just recently decide to try to cut as many ties as I can with my mother's family. There are people in her family that I wish I could stay in contact with but I know that they won't believe me about my mom and that at some point they might communicate things to my mom about me that I don't want them to.

It hurts, it's hard, and sometimes nothing feels right about it but I am trying to find peace in the people I still have rather than dwelling over the ones I can't afford to have in my life. This was super long winded but I hope that it helps to know other people have similar feelings and that it's okay.

[JustKathy]

When I went NC with my Nmother it was totally spontaneous. I had what they call a "final straw moment." We had an argument over the phone and I finally stood up to her and called her out on her bad behavior. She went infantile, put the phone down, and started screaming for my father to help her because I was being mean to her. I hung up and never spoke to her again. My enFather continued to call weekly, probably acting as her flying monkey, but I still talked to him.

A few years later my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had my father disinherit me in a very cruel manner, so I decided to go NC with him as well. I was about to have a job relocation so I just ghosted; moved and didn't tell anyone.

My two siblings fell for the smear campaign and went NC with me.

I never felt the need to explain things to either of my parents. They knew what they did. If I had tried to reason with them it would have blown up in my face and prolonged my suffering. I felt it was better to simply walk away.