Moving back with PD parents due to trauma bond (&how to fix this?)

[Stardust1982]

Hi guys.

I came to this forum at the beginning of this year when the fear of this global pandemic paralyzed me. I was abroad and had this sudden dread that my parents would be hit by the virus and I should be there for them in case they needed care or support. I also needed accommodation but that was, I think a more conscious reason why I came back to them.

So, I came back to living with my PD parents in April this year and have gone through a deep awakening. They didn't bother me much because, as I said, I was working on myself and kept putting boundaries so they actually didn't know how to deal with me. They actually didn't expect me to have such strong boundaries. I kept my cool this entire time apart from one incident where I raged but it didn't really go anywhere so I let it go.

I am compassionate now towards them and don't look at them as enemies-more like they are part of me and being with them now teaches me about my old wounds and how to heal them.

As I said in the title, I came back to living with them due to this toxic bond-you are all aware of this bond. It is strange to be worried about parents who didn't really care about you as a child but you still are. Because that's how you were programmed.

Anyway, I am now looking to accept the idea that I have a much bigger work on healing and recovering from this codependency than I thought I had.
This is great because, if it wasn't for this unhealthy reunion, I wouldn't have realized how deeply codependent I am. It is better to realize now than in a relationship with a toxic man or friend or, worse if I ended up with a violent partner..Thank god I haven't gotten there.

Now I am asking for your input.

I plan to move out by the end of the year but my biggest issue with this change is the boundary thing. You know once you physically leave your toxic parents there are 3 options: you remain in contact with them, you instill minimal contact (or low contact) under your rules or you cut ties altogether.

I actually don't know which option is better for me. And this issue is the reason I haven't moved out of their home. I'm terrified I'll either make a big mistake with my new boundary or I won't instill any boundary and they'll keep calling me and begging for a relationship once I am gone (this happened in the past when I went low contact-my mother would harass me with calls and messages on social media and pleas of her needing contact with me  )

How do you take this decision? How do you know which decision to make? My mother is covertly narcissistic and most of the time she engages in mental games and manipulations (which are sometimes mind-bending!) while my father is a silent participant in this whole thing. So they both sometimes feel like 'not such difficult parents'-thus the reason to consider the Low Contact boundary.

How did you do it? Were you able to maintain a peaceful LC after moving out or you just went no contact right away? What type of behavior is ground for
No Contact and what behavior calls for minimal communication?

I hope this makes sense. Thanks, guys.

[Andeza]

It's a hugely personal decision, but I encourage you to look at it less like option 1, 2, or 3, and more like a sliding scale. And as you slide on the contact scale, you eventually find whatever spot is most comfortable for you. If your parents are able to have non-abusive and non-toxic interactions at times, then you may find yourself more comfortable with low contact. If that is impossible for them, then NC may be healthier for you. The point is to, essentially, limit the opportunities they have to cause you damage. No matter how good your boundaries are, the totally PD statement or action that makes you enact those boundaries is still a damaging interaction.

I always personally stand on the grounds of no level of abuse is acceptable or justifiable in order to maintain a relationship. My health and well-being is more important to me than that, and I'm not going to sacrifice it for someone that has no appreciation for me. In my own case going NC was the only way to get this far on my healing journey. No interactions with my uBPDm were without some level of waifing and toxicity. As I healed my tolerance for that behavior became less and less until I had no tolerance for it remaining. Then, I began NC. It's been 11 months, and she has carried on as though nothing has changed. I know this because birthday cards keep coming in the mail.

Additionally, remember that they can only call you and beg for a relationship if you haven't blocked their number, if you haven't blocked them on social media and email... You are completely, 100% in control of how much access they have to you. When you move out, because you are uncertain about what level of contact you will or will not be able to maintain, I recommend not leaving a forwarding address. It may end up being a tremendous blessing to you if you end up going NC.

[Stardust1982]

That is very helpful, Andeza. I'll save this for future reminders.

I'm glad you've reached the level of feeling that no level of abuse is acceptable to you. That's my goal as well.

[Andeza]

  Thanks! And you will get there, don't worry.