Jealousy again!!!

[Dodo]

So my sister inlaw wanted me to come over for a wine and cheese christmas party in December (I would have to take a ferry) but because of the virus I'm not going to go.  When my partner found out we were talking about this he went on one of his guilt trip things again, he will not go anywhere with me because his anxieties and phobias so if I want to see my old family members (my husband passed away 6 years ago and I am still close with my sister in law and other family members as my late husband and  we were together for 35 years) this irks my partner no end as he thinks I shouldn't have much to do with them anymore!  So he goes on about "what would I want to go to a stupid wine and cheese party for"?  That I just want to see my late husbands nephew as he thinks I like him!  So stupid, I know it's always going to be a problem to do things, but right now I can't do anything anyway!  I believe in the future he will make travelling and weekends away difficult (I would like to go with him but he will not go anywhere) and this bothers me a lot.  He is always jealous about other men even if they are married men or not it doesn't matter to him, he always thinks the worst of people. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I found living with a pwPD to be very isolating.  Friends, family, kids, grandkids, acquaintances, coworkers, any age or gender, it didn't matter.  Someone wanting my attention was always threatening . . . though he wouldn't admit it in those words. The longer we were together, the worse it got. 

My desire to connect with them was seen as pure betrayal.  "Why wasn't I doing X, Y or Z with him or for him?"  There was always a reason to blow it up.  I guess for awhile I thought if I addressed his reasons we could start living a more normal life.   

I remember the day, the place I was driving even, when I saw a family out, enjoying a nice sunny afternoon together, all smiling and looking relaxed.  I had an immediate feeling of nostalgia from the days when I had been able to do that with a former life partner and family.  Then it hit me.  I would never be able to do that with this partner -- it would never happen. 

It still took maybe 3 more yrs for me to leave.  But now I know.   The disorder keeps a person from being able to be a partner, share freely, reciprocate, take responsibility for their own part in things, or to be an emotional adult.  It took awhile for me to become fully convinced of this.  And then awhile longer to decide it wasn't worth staying.

[Dodo]

Lookin 2 B Free
thank you for your reply you make me see things on a clearer level..... is his odd behaviour all part of  being OCP?  He will not even go for a walk with me and the dogs.  There is alway an excuse not to do something.  We have broken up about half a dozen times and have been together nearly 4 years.  I know this isn't normal but I can't seem to follow through with the final step of packing up and discussing dividing things up. We always make up, my emotions are up and down.  I suppose it is just easier to stay right now, I feel hard on myself about this but I keep making excuses for us in my head.

[clara]

Sometimes it helps to ask yourself how you see your life a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and do you like what you see?  Do you see change, or just more of the same?  And if it's more of the same, is that okay with you?

That's how I left my NPDexh.  I saw nothing was going to change, he wasn't going to change, he was going to continue challenging me over all my other relationships (that he was jealous of and tried his whole bag of tricks to keep me from having because he thought he should be the only significant relationship in my life) and while I wasn't sure what my future would be without him, I knew for certain what my future would be with him. 

That was many years ago, and leaving him was the best decision I ever made in my life.

[blacksheep7]

Oh Dodo,

It's a sad situation when you can not be yourself in a relationship just because of a jealous partner.  Been there, done that.  I had been on and off this relationship (my first bf after my first mariage) for ten years which taught me what jealousy and a Pd was.  I fell out of love because of it so I finally left him.  It is their insecurities, low self-esteem  of not being good enough for you.   They want to keep you in their bubble.

As for still having a relationship with your previous sil is A Okay, after all 35 years is not a reason to just put them on a shelf.  My sil from my first husband, father of my children came to see me at my house  with my dd as we had a very good relationship.  She lives in another province and was visiting her brother but did not tell him or his partner to not cause jealousy. Geeze, my current husband was here doing his thing in another room.  She still remains an aunt to my kids and we are friends on Facebook.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Clara, those questions were helpful for me, too.  They're clarifying.

As far as the question about what causes him to refuse to leave home . . .  Of course we can't diagnose whether your husband has a PD, agoraphobia, some other problem, or just strong preferences. I guess he once told you he has no desire or intention to change it.

Also, there's a saying about needing to accept ourselves right where we are.  And once we've truly done that, sometimes we're finally freed up to make changes.  Getting caught in "What's wrong with me?  I 'should' have left by now.  What a _________ (coward / weakling / hopeless codependent, etc.) I am!" kind of thinking only seemed to keep me stuck in shame and feeling disempowered.  I'm not sure if you're doing any of that, Dodo.  I did.

To be honest, I felt inwardly embarrassed to be a willing life partner to someone whose behavior was obnoxious enough to cause family and friends to refuse to be around him, & who would become verbally & emotionally abusive at times to me.  Someone so emotionally immature & challenged I was almost a caretaker.  After all, I was no longer the naïve, clueless 18 YO I'd been in my first abusive relationship. 

But I held out a bit of hope that his PD might be somewhat successfully treated, as he was willing to participate in T.  In the end, after numerous times of him chucking T and blowing everything up and his worsening behavior, even that shred of hope was snuffed out and my decision became clear.  And still, leaving was hard to do.    But I don't question it was the right thing.




   

[Dodo]

Yes leaving will be the right thing to do but why can't I?  I find myself feeling sorry for him also, although I know he will be fine.  He is saying things to me like "you just want to get away from me" and fake cries like its a joke.  I have told him I am not a house person, I love my home but I have to get out (although this virus has us all house bound, so my partner is in his glory) I want to go away for weekends, visit my grand children when I feel like it, take a trip when I feel like it and so on.  I know he will never go with me, which is fine but when I'm away I feel sorry for myself and think I don't miss him but why not just be single if I am going to do everything on my own anyway!  So it is hard but tell me how do you leave someone who is so needy? 

[notrightinthehead]

Dodo -
"....He is always jealous about other men even if they are married men or not it doesn't matter to him, he always thinks the worst of people.  "

this is isolation technique 101. Finding fault with everybody, telling you that they don't really like you, or are bad for you, or something else is wrong with them and thus isolating you more and more in order to increase his control and influence over you.
Then the "poor me" whining and the fake crying,  asking for your pity and comfort - making you feel guilty for wanting something normal - social human contact! All of this shouts - I want to be the sole focus of your attention. And what do you get for it? Does he make you feel like a queen? Does he give you something for all he asks you to give up?
Maybe you could stop asking yourself why you can't leave him and start asking yourself what you really want and then just do it. Increase your social contact with all the people in your life that mean something to you. If he disapproves, that's his right. It's your right to decide to not take that into consideration.

[losingmyself]

I got to the point that I was uncomfortable around EVERYONE, and I would rather just stay home than run into someone we knew, and risk the backlash from just saying hi.
Textbook isolation.
Eventually I decided that it was his bs and I couldn't change his mind, regardless of what I did, so I said screw it and worked on getting back to my old self. Mostly, but he took away something from me that I'll never get back.
Also, people that he alienated because of his jealousy don't talk to me anymore, because I didn't dare say hi to them for so long. That makes me sad.
I guess it took a while to get this way, it'll take time to get back.
I just hope that you continue to do your own thing. It's better than sitting around with him, losing time.
Also, everything that notright just said...

[Matteblak]

Thank you for sharing. I have had similar experiences...I brought this exact issue up with my T 2 days ago. He told me that it is not my wife's fault that I don't talk to those people any more, it is a conscious decision I am making to avoid "Hell" (his words), but that I do have a choice. I guess I never thought there was a choice, I had suppressed so much of my free-agency as a human that I had convinced myself that I COULDN'T rather than that I chose not to. It didn't solve the problem, but I at least recognized that I was a factor in my own circumstances. It is the sense of helplessness (sometimes self-induced) that is so foreign to me and makes me question myself at times.

[GettingOOTF]

I brought this exact issue up with my T 2 days ago. He told me that it is not my wife's fault that I don't talk to those people any more, it is a conscious decision I am making to avoid "Hell" (his words), but that I do have a choice.

This was something I came to see over time. I resisted it for years but I see now that I always had a choice. I don't resent my ex for the things he did as I now see if I hadn't picked him I would have picked someone exactly like him.

I had so many reasons why I couldn't leave and they were all to do with him. Oh I feel bad, he doesn't have a job, he will be devastated, he can't afford a place on his own. And on and on. Turned out my ex was just fine and I was using him as an excuse to go address my own issues. I focused my entire life on him and then got angry and upset at him for simply being who he is. I've been divorced for years. He hasn't changed. He's content with his life the way it is. I imagine he's also much happier now as he doesn't have me trying to change him.

[Dodo]

notrightinthehead
So right about the isolation part this was so prevalent in the beginning of our relationship everything you said was him, I kinda bought into it for awhile until I realized it just wasn't right and there was something wrong with him not me,  but not now I honestly say to hell with him and try to do what I want but he makes it difficult.  We use to fight but no more, not with this virus because I am living his life style but when its over I don't know how its going to be.  I know he will never change and I have to think of myself and what I can live with or not, he is who he is also and I do have to work on myself, I somehow feel as if I lost something being with him and I want to get that back again.

[Mary]

I'm facing the isolation tactics too. Like some of you have said, there's at times hell to pay when I go and do (even just to a wedding) but then life is passing me by. It has really helped me to read other's experiences about what to expect and what to say as I asert myself. For example, uPDh begging or offering above and beyond alternatives. I've learned to say, I don't see it that way. I go, then come home and rub his feet and thank him for meeting my needs in taking care of the kids while I was out. He pouts a while (maybe days or weeks) but letting him talk it out seems to help. I don't acquiesce but I do use calming words like thats nice, that's too bad, I can see that you were hurt, I'm sorry you feel that way about me etc.  I think if we are going to survive and thrive as a couple I need to do this more. It's a really hard learning curve though to put up with the punishments he comes up with after. Thank God for friends who help me walk through the decisions.