How to Gaslight 101- brought to you by my mother

[Lisa]

Some may recall that last month my Mom showed up during the work day at my home... which due to COVID is also my place of work.  This was a few days before my birthday.  While talking to her at the door she tried to bait me into an argument.

Today she showed up, unannounced again, this is a 6 hour roundtrip drive for her!  And this time she showed up a few days before I move to a different country.

My entire body was shaking and I was focusing on steadying my voice and body, I can hardly remember all the conversation.  Here's some great gaslighting highlights!

I started by saying I was worried about her being in my city- the Covid number have gotten so much higher and my area is ORANGE and her's is still GREEN.  She responded that it is so hard being elderly (65) and living alone and that it is important for her to see her family (she has always loved making it her children's responsibility to take care of her well being) I said she is in my house and we obviously have different opinions about COVID.  To which she responded that she's more worried about passing it on then getting sick, which I pointed out makes NO SENSE because she's putting that exact thing at risk by doing this (I had my brother in law and a friend present because they were doing some heavy lifting/moving heavy furniture into the trailer).  She returned to victim stance about how hard COVID has been on her and that I can't worry about it like she can because she is "the queen of worrying" Completely ignoring my feelings on the matter or even considering that this was disrespectful or crossing a boundary.

Then she lead into saying that I needed to think of it from her perspective more, that she is a mother and she wasn't even going to see her daughter before she moved.  I pointed out that was not true because we had our goodbye visit just three weeks ago.  She responded "I know you felt that was our goodbye visit but I didn't". 
And then she really opened up with the baiting.  Saying I am "harbouring hurt feelings against" her and I NEED to tell her WHAT she has done, that this conversation has been IGNORED long enough and NEEDs to be dealt with.  I asked her if this was why she came today and she said yes.  I clarified that she chose to show up unannounced on what she knew would be a busy and stressful day for me to hash out some hurt feelings.  She became the victim again, ohh I don't know how hard it is to be her, she has to think about things for so long first and it's always so hard for her to speak her mind and fained like it wasn't premeditated to bring this up on such a day.  She pulled out the ooooh I don't want you to look back on our list visit thinking just of this (even though it was the reason she showed up???!?!?!?!)
  I encouraged her talk to me about it, she rolled her eyes and said "that's so typical" in an aggressive tone.  I said i was confused, does she want to or not want to discuss this.
She said: I call you and I leave voice messages and you don't call me back.  A blatant lie! 
I pointed out that she hasn't called me since April or May--
Her: "Oh so you are angry with me, see I knew it!". 
Me: No, I am simply pointing out your lie.
Her: Well I have only seen you twice since last Christmas, that's been a whole year.
Me: Mom, what else has been going on this year
her: blank stare
me: Covid
Her: that doesn't count as a good enough response
me: I can say that you showing up like this here today is upsetting.  You've thought I was harbouring hurt feelings for months, you could have picked up the phone and called to talk but you do this instead
her:  *throws hands in the air, tosses head back* I'm always just the worst mom, such an awful mom.  You know when I got here it would have been nice if you smiled and hugged me. it would be nice if you thought of how I am feeling
me: it would be nice if you saw me not smiling and realized you were just showing up on a really stressful day to have an argument
her: so all I do is think about myself?
me: you asked for my opinion and this is it.  Read the room.  you want to have an important conversation, figure out this is not the time to do it.
It goes back and forth in a similar fashion for awhile.  Of course no apology from her for anything

Now obviously I have been hurt by her, I wasn't about the take the bait.  She was ITCHING for a big blow up, she tried via text a few days before my wedding anniversary in July, a few days in person before my birthday and again today a few days before a life altering event.  As today's conversation would show I can't have the smallest emotions about something, it's always about her and she jumps right into victim mode even when she's acting like she wants to know why I am hurt.  It adds even more pain that as a mother if she thought she had hurt me that she wouldn't pick up the phone to right it immediately, that she would allow it to continue for a year.  A big part of me would love to go over all the hurt with her but I know I can't, I know it would only cause more pain and there is no repairing our relationship.  If anything, being able to write this down today and reflect on the conversation really shows me that I could never tell her about something truly hurtful.


Another thing said while she visited that really showed me she literally takes joy in other people's pain....
She knows the people who bought her old house and was DELIGHTED they were having the same plumbing issues she used to have
She also intentionally kept important and helpful information from them about the house.  She knows that them not having the information will cost them a few thousand dollars.
Yet she is happy to share with people/brag about how much they tell her they love this or that about the house.


I am so sad, angry and feeling alone.  Yet another life event she has determined to make about herself.  I have no-one in my life to talk to about this.  I am so afraid to have her show up even in another country.  Today she kept asking for the address, asking me to write it down, asking how far away the airport is from the city and asking if she could take a cab from the airport to the house.  My lovely husband happily informed her it is only 30 min away.  My nervous system can hardly handle a three hour interaction with her let alone a week visit.

[Hilltop]

That's PD's for you, try to cause you pain before your anniversary, before your birthday, before your big move.  Anything to ruin a good moment for you.  Well done on not reacting to the baiting.

Its frustrating how they do that though, they turn up and ask you what is wrong and if you had of talked about it she would have dismissed it straight away, turned it into a fight and then used that to play victim with everyone around her after you had gone.  Instead you remained calm.

She chose a really busy and hectic day for this visit.  Hmm someone with honest intentions would have asked you for a time to chat so that it could have been done properly.  I'm sorry there was nothing genuine in the visit.

At least now you will be in another country.  She can't just drive to see you, I'm sure you will feel relaxed knowing that she can't just pop in unannounced.  I would put off any form of visiting and just keep saying you are still unpacking and settling in.  Perhaps down the track you can visit home and see them so its on your terms rather than theirs but that is so far down the track and you don't need to worry about that now.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[SunnyMeadow]

Your mother could be my mother. It's amazing, truly amazing how alike they are. All the 'poor me' things your mom said, I've heard from my mother. This bit "it would have been nice if you smiled and hugged me. it would be nice if you thought of how I am feeling" sums it up. She comes to your house and makes the conversation a total me, me, me one.

I think you did very well handling her and I'm impressed with you not taking the bait! Very important for all of us to read. It's good to have a reminder that these arguments are all about how they can get narcissistic supply any way they can. I'm sorry you had to go through that on a stressful work day.

[Hepatica]

Lisa,
That's really really awful. This is the thing that aggravates me the most. We just go along living our lives and no matter what we do they bring their dark little clouds straight to us. I feel for you. You're just going about your day and not expecting anything like this and there she is, making you shake. That is why you're feeling so sad, angry and alone. To be able to explain how this feels to the mainstream world is close to impossible. Few get the dynamics of it. But I do. It's brutal and unfair.

I'm sorry that this happened bc it seems to me she is trying to instil in your mind that no matter where you go, she will find you, and she doesn't bring you peace, she brings you the opposite. You are expected to reassure her when she behaves badly. And that behaviour about the house, delighting in other people's misfortune!! She's a petty, awful person with no integrity and she wants you to ease the bad feelings that come up in her. That's not your job. That's her job.

I understand how this feels, always being expected to take care of other certain family members bad choices, bad feelings, bad lives. And none of us here would take our struggles to them.

Keep focussing on living your best life with the knowledge that she is a petty person and hopefully the greater distance from her will solve the issue of her just showing up.

[Thru the Rain]

My M loves to pick fights. She's like attention - positive or negative. In fact I suspect she likes negative attention more because she can then be a martyr.

When you have a little time, google the drama triangle, sometimes called the Karpman drama triangle after the person who thought it up. This has really helped me understand the stuff my own M does. She approaches life as a perpetual victim, which casts EVERYONE else in the roles of either rescuer or persecutor. It also explains why either a positive reaction (rescuing) or a negative reaction (persecuting) makes her equally happy.

The best way to deal with this is Medium Chill or Gray Rock. Instead of you giving positive or negative attention, she gets full neutral. It has helped me to stop my M in her tracks, and take her victim show to someone else.

[Andeza]

Yeah.... she totally did that on purpose to stress you out for your trip. I doubt she would follow you. There would be an airplane involved and all the hassle, and if she did, you're under no obligation to let her in your home. Uninvited guests can stay in hotels.

But! This move is about you and your FOC. Not her. As such she has no place in your head right now. Time to serve up the eviction notice so to speak, and find your calm, find your peace, and focus on the things that matter right now (she ain't one of them). Wish you the best on the move, I know it's a lot of logistics! And you'll get it all done just fine. 

[FugitiveDaughter]

I am really just echoing all the others here but sounds like my mother...  The whole conversation is like straight out of a "Handbook for narcissistic mothers". There is nothing you can basically say without it turning into a blame game of why isn't anyone thinking about HER FEELINGS.

I actually did it, I moved to another country. I've been away from her circle of evil for about five years now and she has visited me... once.  When I think of her visit, I both shudder and laugh. She came here a little shaken as traveling alone certainly made her feel insecure and out of place (I wonder if that's common with people who have NPD). At the time we figured we could tolerate her staying at the guest room for a couple of days as she had booked only a few days trip and we couldn't really stop her from coming. She didn't really like any of our food and when we went shopping, she insisted on buying the most expensive stuff as it needed to be "organic".  Despite not liking the food, she didn't want to go out to eat so we didn't go to a restaurant once. We were planning showing her all kinds of places but she didn't really want to see anything, instead she wanted to stay at our house because " I came here to see you". After we dragged her to a couple of places for a couple of hours, she complained she was tired and we had to bring her home. She talked in a really loud voice even late in the evening so we felt a bit uncomfortable thinking our neighbours would mind and would constantly yell around the house for us to get our attention. We had to stay up late because she had all kinds of photos and whatever to show us and forced us to see that stuff and comment on it. I won't even go to the hassle she caused with the bathrooms and having a shower.
She has never visited after that one time although she occasionally says she is planning another trip soon once Covid subsides (that's the one good thing about Covid really, keeps her away). I'm not sure she will ever visit again and if she does, she's going to a hotel. Despite her visit being sort of lackluster, she still claims the country we moved into is the country she should be living in because a test in a women's magazine gave that country as a result when answering questions to find "the country where you soul is from". 

Whatever you do, do not invite her to visit you. My mom insists we need to invite her and at times says she hasn't visited us because "no-one has invited me".  Make sure you have some sort of an excuse whenever she wants to visit (does your husband know what your mother is like because he should?), something like not having a place to accommodate her, renovations in the house or whatever you can think of to postpone the visit. If you cannot keep her away, make sure the visit is short. Try to tire her with sightseeing and at home, be boring and offer food she doesn't like. She'll leave soon enough. At first she might pester you with calls but the longer you are away, the longer it takes for her to call you. Moving out of the country has been the best decision I've made in addition to marrying my husband and I sincerely hope it will be good for you too!

[SparkStillLit]

If I moved out of the country, this is EXACTLY how I imagine my mother would be, right down to "I came here to see you" and creating a hassle in the bathroom. Also she's a HORRIBLE person, so if it was anywhere that English was not the mother language, I wouln't even take her out. She'd be talking loudly in English (because that makes it more understandable to those who don't use it as their native language 🙄) and she would be shouting "SPEAK ENGLISH!!" at everyone, even if for example we were in France. Where, you know. They speak FRENCH. Or just somewhere where people had a heavy accent, and you need to shut up a minute and process what they say to you. (Although the guy from Glasgow that answered my customer service call....I mean, we were cracking up....)

[Lisa]

I'm listening to a Dr. Ramani video on you tube about bread crumbing.   She explains that people with Narc traits do not believe that they need to make any effort in a relationship.  They don't think they hav to extend any energy into a relationship.  I had an ah-ha moment.

My Mom hasn't called me in at least 9 months.  She sends the odd text message about the weather or some other mundane thing.  I will either not respond at all or with a grey rock message.
I now see that because I haven't called her in those 9 months, she is accusing me of harbouring hurt against her. It's ok for her not to do it BUT not ok for me to.

Neither of us have made an effort towards our relationship in the past year but she makes it my issue because she's pissed she's had to make even the smallest of efforts.

[dollyvee]

Yes! Yes! Like other posters have said - this is my grandmother. I can't have any emotion and if I do I'm upset and angry with her. That's it.

I had to make a payment to "our" lawyer and got a phone call from my grandfather about it. I made the payment later that day but he called again to say that something didn't look right and could I please call him back. He called two days in a row and when I called him back he said oh, the payment just hadn't reached the account yet. When I asked him when I had ever asked them for money or not paid something I was supposed to, he said I'm sorry I upset you. I said I'm not upset, I just want to know why you are treating me like you can't trust me and the only thing he could say was I'm sorry I upset you. He became sad that he thought he had upset me. In the end, they will always make it about them. This is my grandfather but it's the same nest.

It's so helpful to see everyone's experiences articulated because I always feel like I have a lot of self doubt when this stuff happens. It really is crazy making behaviour. It's like it's taking place on a lot of different levels. I feel attached to her/them because I care, but then angry when she plays the victim and guilty for stepping away for myself but then dragged into the drama and upset again. 

[BrightMoon]

Thank you for posting this Lisa. I was just having a very difficult moment due to a recent encounter with my own abusive mother, and as so often follows, had began to doubt myself, blame myself, worry I cant cope without her despite the abuse, just like she always taught me.

Reading your post helped. The part where you describe the conversation was like it was verbatim from any conversation with my mother. Its helpful for me to try to come to terms with things to see such reminders from an outside view, and recognise it is gaslighting, abusive, and unacceptable. Strange how when it happens to other people, I can immediately see it is abusive. Yet when it happens to me, sooner or later I doubt myself and become blind to it.

I dont mean to go on too much. I am sorry you had this experience. I'm just struggling and wanted you to know sharing your pain also helps others like myself to deal with mine.