I received hurtful letter from NC mother

[Free2Bme]

Yesterday, I received a letter from my mother.  The letter repeatedly tells me what an angry, bitter daughter I am and blames me entirely for the estrangement between her and I (and my children).  It is my fault that we have missed all of these years together, holidays, and her GC have been deprived.  The words cut deep and the pain feels physical now, 24 hours later.  I just can't believe it.   It was so painful to read, my mind really wanted to imagine she was talking about another person.  Then I realize, she really believes her own lies about me.  I guess I serve a purpose of someone to blame for the demise of our relationship. 

To complicate things even more, she also sent letters to my DD15 & DD22 whom live with me, (and possibly to DS21 & DS18, they live with updxh).  I didn't open them, I'll give them to DD's tomorrow.  Historically, my M letters and texts include mushy, sappy statements like, "It's sooo sad we have division in our family... I miss you soooo much grandchild...if only your mother would let me see you.... I'll never give up fighting for my grandkids!"   What is so bizarre is that M sided with updxh and went NC with me after divorce.  I am being accused of things that she actually did.  There is absolutely no truth to her accusations that I am keeping her away from my children, but every time I hear these comments it hurts, and I wonder how it effect my children's perception of me. 


This is the first communication since we met for dinner a month ago, that went really badly (see post "Mom walks out on me...again"). 
I want to reconcile with her but this is seeming more impossible than ever before.  She keeps piling on more hurt and somehow expects a good outcome.  I realize she has her own feelings and I have wanted to clarify confusion, connect, and heal with her.  I am capable of doing that, or admitting fault, or asking forgiveness, but she is not.

Of course, there would be no way to revisit every issue/event and sort through it, and many things that I would want resolution on may just have to be overlooked, in the past, let it go.  However, there are some more serious things I need to resolve and can't just overlook and sweep under rug as she would prefer.  Like lying to my children about me, disparaging me to them, and siding with my updxh (she witnessed the abuse toward me and the children) to gain access to the grandchildren and to reinforce scapegoating me.  However, when I bring these issues up with her she goes DARVO.  Hence walking out on me.

As I write this I think, why would any normal person want a relationship with someone like this.  I guess it's because there were also some good things there and I love her very much.  I am an only child, she is my only living relative, I'm still dealing with isolation fallout after divorce and smear campaign.  I also know that some of her thinking is heavily swayed by her husband (never liked me, might be PD) and my updxh, M is very pliable and agrees with the loudest voice in the room.  M doesn't take any responsibility for her own actions, or how they affect others. 


This is all complicated by lack of relationships in my life, difficulty with teenage children, feeling isolated.
I wish I could be angry, I can't cry, I just feel crushed and confused.  The few friends I have either don't get it or I can't reach out because they are going through their own crisis at the moment and I don't want to burden them.

So... I come here.  Thanks for reading, I'm open to suggestions/insights.

[moglow]

Free, I'm in a slump of my own tonight and wish I had comfort to offer. I will say this - go back and read your own posts, even some of them. Reread the words offered by your friends here. Look at where you were even just a few years ago and where you are now. You'll see growth and courage, I promise you.

This spot in time? It's a moment, it's her dumping her poison (yet again) and it hurts because you know it's not true. You know that's not who you are - yet that's what she chooses to see. That's ALL on her, dear one.

See, mine did something similar to my younger brother recently, and when he told me about it he reminded me she's done it to all of us. Pours out her poison because that's who she is, not who WE are. I have to hold on to that right now because I want to lash back at her. Only that's not who I am either.

You hang in there and remember who you are. Reach out to those who know better, and don't listen to her voice in your head one more minute. Dont even try to explain your self to her or anyone else. Those who know you, know better. Those who choose to believe her wont likely listen to you.

You can do this and you don't have to do it alone.

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi Free2Bme, first of all here is a big hug for you! 

It's so sad we have to deal with these conflicting feelings about our mothers. When I think of a mother, I don't think of women like them. 

For me, the times when I feel I have the most growth is when I feel anger towards her. How dare she write these awful things to you. How dare she write these sickening sweet, false things to your children. My internal anger helps me see she's disordered. She really can't change who she's been all these years. The times when I think about these same arguments and I come at it in fear, sadness and feeling like a little girl is when I start to spiral. For me I need to feel hardened against her, and also indifferent. It protects me in a way. Another thing I think is "how does she think letters telling me I'm angry and bitter are going to pave the way to a good relationship" ??

I've had to start thinking of my mother as the angry and sometimes ok lady who lives across town. Seriously, she doesn't feel like a mother. She's a woman I see from time to time (because of my waning FOG and because she's soooo old). I need to wall off my thoughts of her being a "mother" because it hurts too much to wonder what kind of life I could have had with a normal mother.

I find my friends don't get it either. It's good I guess, hopefully because they don't have PD parents! I feel when I talk about my weird relationship with her and all the nuances that go with it makes me look off and weird because they don't understand. So I don't talk to many people about it in real life. I save it for here!  Keep posting Free2Bme.

[lkdrymom]

I am sorry you are hurting.

Please think about this....what does she add to your life? Is your life calmer and pleasant when she is not a part of it?  Do the good things really outweigh the bad?  Taking her as she is(those words are important)AS SHE IS...do you want her in your life.  Or do you want the person she was or could be in your life?

[Thru the Rain]

My DH has been NC with his uNF for many years. Every once in a while his uNF sends a letter full of blame, claiming (falsely!) to have apologized over and over. Not sure what he's supposed to have apologized for, since he admits to no wrong doing.

We toss those letters.

We usually get them around uNF's birthday or big family holidays. Never around DH's birthday or dates important to DH. And I think what really triggers the letters are inquiries "how's your son?" from random people.

Think about what's actually behind both the letters and the timing. We're coming up on some big holidays. Is your M trying to create an illusion that she "tried" to reconcile, but Free2Bme just wouldn't budge.

As painful as it can be to accept, this letter is 100% about your M, and 0% about you.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Free2Bme,

You wrote: It was so painful to read, my mind really wanted to imagine she was talking about another person.

You were right in that. She did write it about another person, she wrote it about herself. That's what PDs do. They can't take responsibility for their own behavior so they project it onto other people. Yo u mentioned in a previous post that you didn't think she had a PD because she didn't meet the criteria. Not sure what list you were using as a source, because she's hitting a lot of notes. The fact that she severed a relationship with you and stayed in touch with your abusive ex speaks volumes.

I'm not sure that assuming your M doesn't have a PD is helping you in your case. Not that I'm advocating amateur diagnosing anybody, but if you're questioning why she's behaving so terribly and maybe wondering what you might have done to cause it, I can tell you that what you're describing is pretty textbook. M doesn't take any responsibility for her own actions, or how they affect others. Here's a great video from the great Les Carter that describes the one core feature of narcissism: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnSsx8ifAH8 You might spot some similarities there.

I'm also the only child of a (now deceased) PD M, so I know what you're going through. It's tough, but I think that its easier and at least less confusing when you can accept that it isn't ultimately about you and isn't anything you have the ability to change.

[Free2Bme]

Hey moglow, 
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.  You are right about growth, sometimes it's hard to see the distance we traveled.  This would hurt less if the accusations were true.  I think it  reminds me of all the accusations my updxh leveled at me, most were unfounded.  It's pain of the same flavor.  I know I am in good company here as many of us went on from FOO to a PD spouse.
It's sad that you and your brother have experienced this with your M, but good you can support/validate each other. Hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. 

[Free2Bme]

SunnyMeadow, 
Yes, unfortunately, some M's don't value being nurturing. 
My M has felt more like a groovy big sister in many ways (she had me at 18 which explains a lot).
"Another thing I think is "how does she think letters telling me I'm angry and bitter are going to pave the way to a good relationship" ?? "    I've been reflecting on your words today, I needed to hear this.  Her words reveal she has no intention of reconciling.  It's hard to refocus my energy from trying to reason and toward acceptance, this is the work only I (we) can do.  Thank you 

[Free2Bme]

lkdrymom,
Yes.....My T has mirrored what you have said here.  That if I have her in my life, it would be as she is, expecting her to behave this way if I attempt to address her actions.  I know that I've been stuck wanting her to be something she's not, this is where I've gone wrong.   This energy would be better spent elsewhere. 

[Free2Bme]

Thru the Rain,
I've also heard my M reference apologies that she has never made, usually,  " IF I did xyz, then I would owe you an apology Free2Bme"......huh?
It sounds as if your uNFIL is taking it out on your DH that you have gone NC with him and offloading his guilt.  How sad for your DH. 
Now that you mention it, it is very likely that my M is (consciously, unconsciously) using this to justify NC during the upcoming holiday's, and double-down on the blame.
"As painful as it can be to accept, this letter is 100% about your M, and 0% about you."   This is hard for me to hold on to, but I think you are accurate.
Many times she has been willing to throw me under the bus to spare herself from feeling uncomfortable about being wrong about something.  So strange that a M would rather blame their own offspring than to accept responsibility, receive forgiveness and develop a closer bond with daughter.  So hard to understand.

~Thanks for your insight

[Free2Bme]

Hi Pseudonym,
Interesting to read your observations.  Sadly, I think you are on to something.  I think M believes her own lies and therefore will never tolerate me confronting her.  No amount of factual reasoning or logic can get through the wall. 
I must work on accepting I am powerless to change this.
I appreciate your supportive words and the link  ~ I really like Les Carter.