Dealing with Grandma as my children become adults

[blacksheeep]

Hi -

Nearly a decade ago, I made an attempt to set some boundaries with my mom.  There was a lot going on, but the final straw was that she had been coming to my workplace and spreading career-damaging rumors about me to my coworkers that were untrue. 

She responded with an ultimatum: either I would repent for asking for boundaries, or I would take her grandkids away.  I had never said anything about not letting her see my kids, but her response was so over-the-top manipulative that I let the ultimatum stand, and we've been very low contact ever since.  Her perspective is that she's waiting with open arms, and as soon as I'm ready to grovel, repent, and submit, we can go back to the way things were before.  My perspective is that I can't go back to the way things were before, and my life has been significantly simpler since she's not a part of it.

She hasn't once asked to see my kids, but every year, on each of their birthdays, she sends a birthday card with a few dollars in it.  The cards have mostly been innocuous -- "We love you and miss you and we wish we could see you" -- but I have a few issues with them.  1) The idea that she is contacting my kids while she is unwilling to work things out with me doesn't sit right.  2)  The sentiment "we wish we could see you" implies that I'm the one who is preventing her, which isn't true.  3) I'm afraid that she will increase her propaganda against me in the birthday cards over time. (Which she has.) 

At the beginning, I thought that sending them back (return to sender) would be confrontational, so I came up with a compromise.  I give the kids the cash and tell them who it's from, but I don't give them the birthday card.  That way she gets credit for the gift, but they don't get her messages.  I believe that, as my children get older, my mom will pursue relationships with them and aggressively try to persuade them that I kept her from them and everything is my fault.

My oldest child turned 17 recently, and his birthday message was an invitation to contact her.  Though I probably could confiscate his card next year, I don't think it would be right.  As my kids become adults, they will have to decide for themselves.  I just have to hope that my relationships with them are strong enough that they withstand whatever Grandma comes up with.  I raised my kids well and they love me, but it's hard not to feel insecure about Grandma's divisiveness.

[sandpiper]

If she had money to buy them with, I would be worried, as I've seen the wealthy ones do a lot of damage by persuading kids to put their ethics up for sale. It starts of subtle and they don't realise until they're in too deep with loans and mortgages and money being offered or demanded back for things like school fees and wedding costs. I think I saw it called 'Loan Sharking' in a text about abusers, years ago.

It's pretty standard advice from Ts who specialise in abuse that you need to protect children from disordered/abusive grandparents, and the gold standard for having a relationship with grandkids is that they need to be willing to do whatever it takes to repair their relationship with you. The fact that they aren't willing to do this means that they've decided you're expendable but since you are their *property* and you are defective, thanks to all these pesky boundaries and requests for respectful healthy communication, they can chuck that broken toy on the dung-heap and play puppet-master with the next generation instead.

If you haven't already done so, it's probably time to sit down with your kids to explain the dynamics of abusive relationships. I would do it in the context of 'If it is a woman being abused everyone says 'why don't you leave?' But if it's a child that's being abused, everyone says 'How can you be so hard-hearted as to leave?' You need to point out that the children who live inside abusive relationships shouldn't have to deal with society's double standards and you took care of your mental health, and your children's, by creating some very large, effective, and healthy boundaries with your abusive FOO.

If they know what they're dealing with, they'll be wise to the games.

[blacksheeep]

Thanks, Sandpiper.  I guess I'll just be grateful she's not wealthy!

[Andeza]

I really, really hope Starboard Song chimes in, but if he doesn't I encourage you to find his posts and read through. You can do that from his profile. He has a 17~ yr old kid and they just went through the whole dilemma of whether or not kiddo would have contact with the grandparents. For the moment it has ended as well as it can, I believe.

If you have not, I think it is time to sit down with them (at least the oldest ones) and have an open, and honest conversation about why you have made the choices you've made, and why you have taken the actions you've taken. You don't have to vilify their Gma, but the truth as it is should be sufficient to get them thinking. Her mental illness is, after all, a real thing. You can also encourage them to educate themselves about personality disorders and how that ends up affecting the people that are around those particular individuals. That would honestly just be a good thing for them to know before they get out into the world anyway. I've had more than one PD boss...

You are absolutely correct though, ultimately, it is their choice. But you can establish boundaries around any potential contact they choose to have. Such as asking them to please not tell their Gma about you at all, and please relay nothing about Gma to you. That way, you can still maintain your distance. Whatever ends up happening, we'll be here to help as much as we are able.