Advice wanted: I’ve made it this far, but now I’m stuck…

[Outofhere]

Last December I broke free from a 33 year marriage that had spiraled into a nightmare. I left with only what I needed, only the absolute basics (the pets, some clothes, a few sentimental items,) and I disappeared. Of course, my increasingly abusive husband never saw it coming, and is still trying to win me back. (Cringe.) According to him, he's "real sorry" and I "just have to learn to trust him again."  Uhm. Nope.

Problem #1:

Over the last 11 months, I've built a new life, and have no need for the things I'd left behind, including the house we lived in for 25 years and most of its contents. I've discussed selling the house, but my husband "won't touch" my things – he's kept them exactly as things were when I left. I told him to see what our daughter might want (furniture and such,) keep what he wants, donate anything worthwhile to charity, and call 'Got Junk.'

Nope. He needs me to "come back to help him." He has done nothing. He just sits in the house, waiting. Oh, he did have a plan B.  Help him clean the house out, sell it, then he could move in with me. I shot that down instantly. He keeps professing how much he's changed (heard that before, it never stuck, and again) and how much he loves me and is lost without me, and so on until I told him to knock it off or we'd be back to full-on NC. 

Problem #2.

Every time I'm about to have him served with divorce papers, he manages to have another crisis. He's had nearly a year to get his sh*t together, and in that time he spent nearly a month in the hospital for psychiatric issues, lost his job, eventually took another for 1/3 his previous salary, and wallows in depression. My daughter and I both agree he is not coping well and fear him spiraling into another mental breakdown. We're both worn out, fed up, and worried when my daughter doesn't take him in he'll wind up homeless.

I need to get the house cleared out, both of my husband and of the contents, so it can be sold. But between him insistently awaiting my return, a pandemic, and my muscular dystrophy, physically going there is the last thing I want to do. And I need to get this divorce done, preferably without my husband showing up on my daughter's doorstep, the emergency room again, or turning dangerous.

I'd really appreciate any advice, wisdom, or insights anyone can offer.

[Bunnyme]

Good for you getting out and making a new life for yourself.  Can you send a good friend of family member to the house to do whatever it is that he wants you to do?  Even if you get the stuff out, do you think you'll be able to get him out?

I am a few months behind you, but relate on dealing with constant crisis.  I, too, worry that I'll somehow send him over the edge if I file, but I've come to the conclusion that he will NEVER be out of crisis.  I cant be responsible for how he reacts to things.  I say, if you are ready to file, do it.   I swear that one of the reasons mine went back to rehab is that he sensed I was going to file.   You've made it clear that you arent coming back.  It isnt like it will.come as a total shock. 

[Medowynd]

Stop feeling guilty and carrying the weight of his depression.  He still has a grip on you through the constant manipulation.  This man will find a way to survive. Your daughter also needs to let things go.  I know it is extremely difficult, but you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change the circumstances in anyway.  If he has already committed himself once to an institution, then he is aware that he can get help there.  Can you contact a junk disposal company to come into the house with instructions to remove your property and then they can donate or dispose of it as they will?  Is there someone that can represent you, if this is a possibility?

[blunk]

When my bpdxh wanted to come to the house to get some items, I contacted the local police to see about hiring an off duty officer as an escort. The officer I spoke with offered to act as a go-between to inform him of the arrangement, suddenly he didn't really need those items.

I'm not sure if this scenario would work for you. But I think in my case, he was just looking to come to the house when I was there. The last time he had been there to get some of his things, he raged and threw things, coming very close to hitting my furnace with a hand-truck he threw down the basement stairs. When he realized that having an officer there would prevent things from playing out the way he wanted he backed off. Someone else suggested a friend or relative to go in your place, or maybe something like a "basement/attic clean-out" type of service who you could give a list of your items to be removed.

You are definitely right not to go back to the house, especially since you mentioned a fear of him becoming dangerous. And I agree with the others, IME a PD is always in some state of chaos or crisis, don't let that stop you from filing. He's made it nearly a year on his own, he may not be doing his best but he is surviving. You may also want to consider that he could be exaggerating his struggles to get you to come back and take care of him.

[Boat Babe]

Cut yourself some slack emotionally. You have made an amazingly brave and difficult decision and carried through on it, whilst dealing with all the trauma of long term abuse. You must be exhausted at times and still processing everything. You probably have some post traumatic symptoms to deal with. And your ex continues to be a manipulative   **** from a distance.

I feel that you are carrying a lot of fear, obligation and guilt and that's what has got you momentarily stuck. Maybe some journaling might be useful in helping you see where exactly the "stuck" is happening. And listen to your gut while you do so.

I agree with other people's comments. He will do absolutely nothing with regard to the house so book a date with a coupla big burly guys and a van, bring a friend for moral support and turn up on an arranged day and get everything out of the house that isn't his. Job done.

Then file for divorce. Be prepared for drama. Put everything into place to protect yourself. Concentrate on supporting your daughter through this. Keep talking to us.

[eyesopen]

...
Problem #1:
... I've built a new life, and have no need for the things I'd left behind, including the house we lived in for 25 years and most of its contents ...

Problem #2:
Every time I'm about to have him served with divorce papers, he manages to have another crisis. ...

The advice, wisdom, or insight I can offer is this...  See how I reduced your problem statements? With problem 1, you say you've already moved forward with your life and don't need anything that you left behind. So what's the problem, really? A divorce decree can stipulate what happens with the house and its contents. Just because he wants you to go through things doesn't mean you have to - you can just walk away from it and let a divorce order handle the specifics of the division of property.

As for problem 2, what's keeping you from having the divorce papers served? You want a divorce. File for divorce. You're not responsible for his reaction. The only way to move forward is to actually move forward. Doing so while walking on eggshells makes for very slow progress, so why not do it at your own pace?

I know that my advice can be seen as rather harsh. It doesn't consider his feelings, desires, or reactions to your choices. But you're divorcing, which means his welfare is not your responsibility. From my own experience having divorced earlier this year, I should have done it sooner. Once it's done, the relief and freedom are priceless.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Outofhere]

Thank you all for your replies, both gentle and harsh. They are all appreciated and were exactly what I needed to hear.  Sometimes it just takes hearing others who have been through this (and a kick in the rear) to realize I've made it through everything else. This is the next step, and now is the time to take it. 

I'm not setting foot near him or the house.  As eyesopen said, the divorce order will handle the contents. And as for him, he's always been in a crisis of his own making. He'll survive, or he won't, but his actions won't be my responsibility. I'm certain there'll be drama -- I'm more worried he'll try to become my daughter's problem and try to move in with her.  He can't -- she and her husband are living in a house on the property of his job, and there are strict guidelines that it's just the two of them.  That's my biggest concern at this point.

It's amazing how sometimes the answer is obvious, but you just need to hear it from others who have been there. Looks like things are going to get bumpy in the coming days (Weeks? Months?) Like everything else up to this point, I'll get through and put it in my rearview mirror.

[Prototypian]

Here is my advice which looks good on paper and is free so it's really more of a pamphlet that someone hands you on the street but I'm genuine with my intent:

1)   change your actions from feelings to facts.   You didn't let him carry out a plan to move in with you which is a good fact.   Facts are things that PDs have to confront and they can't manipulate them or control them.  If you want to serve divorce papers to continue on a path to free yourself of the circus then don't deal with the PD, deal with the fact.   A piece of paper that needs to be signed is something you bring to him or have sent as a registered letter that contains return postage that asks him to "sign here and here".   If he doesn't sign or has a crisis then you can't control that but at least the ball is in his court.   If he has a crisis then your next step is whatever the divorce process has as a non amicable divorce.   Choosing to speak about facts like "these are the papers and you need to sign here and here" is a statement of fact.   What you want to avoid is either a discussion of options or any JADE.   

2) when he wants to talk about things use the statement or variant of it in medium chill grey language "I prefer not to talk about that ever again".   Say it over an over again in a flat tone without any variation or any crack that can wedge in a discussion.   If he says "do you mean you won't talk to me" say again, "I prefer not to talk about that ever again".   Fully expect him to get flustered, down, angry, sad or any number of things that let him shift the discussion to him and controlling the narrative.   Use this for anything that you don't need to discuss to move forward.   He is using the stuff you left that he won't touch to control an encounter with you and to some sense it's working.   You saying "leave that for our daughter" lets him discuss some path related to that.   Leaving it as "I prefer not to talk about that ever again" really does shut down every paer and if you refuse any JADE with that same statement then he can do something or not but you have controlled your interaction and he hasn't.

Again, only my suggestions gleaned from years on these forums.

Thoughts and prayers to you!

Jsj

[GettingOOTF]

I got stuck here too and for similar reasons.

My ex managed to manipulate the situation to drag it on for years. When I finally put my foot down suddenly all his crises disappeared. He managed to pull himself together enough to find a new girlfriend to step in and pick up where I left off.

With people like this there will always be something. Your husband has nothing to gain by you leaving him so he will do what he can to prevent this.

I finally left my ex when he has “break down” and was in the hospital. This gave me space to get him out of the home and to set some things in motion. My ex was shocked as I think he manipulated the situation as he saw I was getting ready to leave so he pulled a big pity play. It backfired.

I wouldn’t go in to the house alone or even with a friend. I’d hire someone. Like an off duty policeman or professional security guy. If you go alone nothing with get done and you may also be putting yourself in danger.

He cannot force you to stay married to him. He can drag out the process but there are protections in place for you. I’d consult with an attorney that is familiar with these types of situations. Ask if they have a lot of experience with high conflict divorce.

The biggest thing for me was getting over my guilt and sense of responsibility for him. He’s a grown man. He clearly managed to keep it together for years. His downgraded situation is likely nothing more than a way to manipulate you. My ex frequently lost jobs and took new ones for less money. I see it now as a form of manipulation to keep me in the marriage.

You owe him nothing at all. I’d get an attorney and push as hard as you can to get the divorce through.

Edited to add - the moving in with you is typical. My ex thought we’d get divorced and then remarry with a “clean slate”. I kid you not.

[Outofhere]

LOL, all these replies should be a pamphlet, "What you need to hear when you're STUCK!"

Sometimes it takes some blunt honesty to see things for what they are -- even after nearly a year of freedom, (Soooo glad I bolted pre-Covid,) decades of conditioning that he's MY responsibility can still sneak up on me. I was worn down and I didn't even realize what was happening.  But you've all made excellent points, and helped me to see things for what they are, both in him and myself.

Once again, thank you all; I'm finishing up paperwork with my attorney today.