Two years NC with PD sister and she texted my continued silence is unhelpful

[Blueberry Pancakes]

WTF is this dynamic with this sibling?   
   
Two and a half years ago I went NC with my PD golden child sister.  It was after she created a horrific mobbing event against me at her son's wedding.  It was horrible. However, NC was immediate relief and my life is so much better without her in it.   
     
I have however been VLC with our elderly parents for that same amount of time. It is mostly to make sure they are getting along and managing through covid. They are. I am keeping my boundaries. My enabling dad still claims to not understand why I do not talk to my sister, and cannot let it go. He sent an email a few months ago putting me on notice that since I do not show interest in the family, he is working with his lawyer to write me out of the family.  Whatever I do, I think my parents and sister continue to keep a united front against me.
   
Last night, I saw a text from my sister. It was not kind. It was not friendly, or warm, or inviting. Instead it was accusatory and demanding. It said "happy thanksgiving. Your continued silence is not good for anyone in this family." I deleted it, and blocked her (I actually thought I did that).  I am not responding to her at all.     
     
I understand this text was guilting, shaming and blaming. But, why this message now?  Is my sister getting overly burdened?  Is she cracking?  She married a narcissistic husband who is also physically abusive.  She has a broken finger from one of his outbursts.  Her life must be horrible with these second rounds of Covid lockdowns in our state.  Is it that, or is it just that a narcissist never gives up trying to get back someone who was once good supply?  I feel like a fish in a stream minding my own business, but they are all hunting me with spears. 
           
Thanks.     

[Hepatica]

Our situations are so similar. I have a GC sister and a father who cannot stand that my sister and I have fallen out. My father is so angry about it that he tells me straight out that I have mental health issues and I would not be at all surprised if he has either written me out of the will or plans to use it as a manipulation technique soon.

What the hell about your sisters's text? If my sister doesn't talk to me I count that as peace. What do they want from you? To fall in line so they don't have to reflect on themselves? Where is the curiosity about why you have decided to distance? It's all about keeping family facade of happy families in tact so the outside world will think all is harmonious and they can remain as is, dysfunctional. They are worried what other people think and they cannot stand thinking about it themselves. It would mean they'd have to own up to some pretty sh*tty behaviour like the mobbing. For goodness sakes, she doesn't get to do that and keep you in her life.

Family doesn't get to abuse us. Nobody is allowed to do that and the consequence of doing it (repeatedly in the case of disordered families) is us protecting ourselves by moving away from the abuse. That they are blind to their own dysfunction is not our problem.

I can't stand the control they seem to think they're entitled to just because we are family No. I am thinking lately that the word family should be a verb. It is how you behave and care for people. Abuse doesn't get a free pass in families.

As with all disordered families it is when we set boundaries with their behaviour that the drama begins.

What does your sister want? Her happiness is her responsibility. If she was happy, she would be caring and loving or what comes first is the question, but content, loving people do not lash out. You don't need to be dragged back into her unhappiness. And you are not the cause of it.

If she really cared she could have said have texted you a message that explicitly revealed that she cared about you. This text revealed only that she wants to control you, that you must fall in line with the family order or else then comes the shame spewing. Thank goodness you're wise to that.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Our situations are so similar. I have a GC sister and a father who cannot stand that my sister and I have fallen out. ...

What do they want from you? To fall in line so they don't have to reflect on themselves? ... They are worried what other people think and they cannot stand thinking about it themselves. It would mean they'd have to own up to some pretty sh*tty behaviour like the mobbing. For goodness sakes, she doesn't get to do that and keep you in her life. ...

This text revealed only that she wants to control you. You must fall in line with the family order. ....

Nope. She's wrong. You do not have to do that. They cannot stand not being in control. That is much of the source of their own dismal pain.

Thank you so much Hepatica!! Thank you for understanding. I have read many of your posts and can so relate as well.  I agree the word family should be a verb. As for the parent going bonkers about the adult kids speaking, I think it has something to do with my dad hanging all his dreams on his golden child and since I am NC with her, he sees it as my rejection of his ideals. His disdain toward me is palpable. I am not tempted to drop my boundaries with anyone in my family, just when I see such dysfunction play out in front of me it gives me shivers.  Thank you again.   

[Hepatica]

Oh Blueberry how my father disdains me as well. Definitely I am the living rejection of his fake little ideal world. So well... then why do they keep dragging us back. Let us go. I guess it is the fragility of the lie they have created in their heads. If anyone reflects that back to them, they become enemy.

Yes, I get those shivers too, bc I never thought that being honest and reflecting back to my own family our challenges would make me into their enemy. But I am. Enemy is a strong word and I don't use it flippantly. It does feel like they would like to destroy me at times. (I mean the mental health comments to me, when I am pretty darn fragile have put me into a very dark and scary place and my father brings that one out periodically.) If I allowed him close to me, I'd be in the hospital with a mental health break down. He loves to make me doubt myself.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Oh goodness Blueberry Pancakes. Like you, I get into a strange headspace trying to even think and grasp what the explanation to my FOO's behaviors are, whenever I try to analyze it. (In my case at least I'm starting to realize I just shouldn't do it. There is no logical explanation for the illogical!)

But one thing's for sure: their jabs don't reflect what they actually feel inside. They make it all seem like you're the problem, but it's the ultimate projection. They're the ones that are scared and fragile. What they say and describe is the deeply hidden problem with and within themselves. And they don't have you to make them feel that for them instead as a scapegoat.

As hard as NC has been, I realize what a personal hell it must be to be a PD or PD enabler caught up in the family dynamics, and knowing that "waking up" from it would be horrific, I do think they know that deep down and are desperate to run away from it. They're trapped in a horror movie of their own making. Buy the house isn't haunted: they're the ones haunting it.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It does feel like they would like to destroy me at times. (I mean the mental health comments to me, when I am pretty darn fragile have put me into a very dark and scary place and my father brings that one out periodically.) If I allowed him close to me, I'd be in the hospital with a mental health break down. He loves to make me doubt myself.

Hepatica - I think such suggestions from a parent are very destructive. I forgot to mention that my dad did similar as a kid by repeatedly asking me to see a psychologist. I was 11 years old. He said my mother was having a hard time with me, and that a psychologist could help me figure out why. My mother had seen a therapist a few times, and openly told everyone how she was only going because she was "so worried" about me. I do not know what that therapist did, but it did not stop her from believing I made her life miserable. I refused dear dad's request and fortunately he never forced it. I knew if I went, it would have set me on a bad road that as a kid I would have been powerless to escape from. Oh, and by the way ... I think you are showing quite clearly that you are doing very well.    

[Blueberry Pancakes]

But one thing's for sure: their jabs don't reflect what they actually feel inside. They make it all seem like you're the problem, but it's the ultimate projection. ...  And they don't have you to make them feel that for them instead as a scapegoat.

Thanks Distance. I think you are right. It is them making us seem like the problem.

[JenniferSmith]

My elderly enDad recently made a comment that he was working on a letter to my siblings and I with his psychologist (who helps him with his neurodegenerative disease)... about how it bothers him that his children do not speak to each other.

In reply, I asked him, "in the past 20 years, have you done anything at all to help us build our relationships with each other or help us resolve our conflicts with each other?"

He went silent and said, "I have no defense."

This is his usual reply when confronted with facts. He will not deny them, but he slips into a victim role and passively does nothing to ever actually address problems. At times, he will try to shift the blame on others, but if I make my question direct enough, he will use the "I have no defense" line. Nothing will change though, and he'll complain about it again at some point in the future.

[LemonLime]

Blueberry,
I do think you're right that the PD's want to get back with us because they need the supply.
And they need a scapegoat.

After a huge rage against me, I asked my uPD sib in a letter, "Why would you want to be around someone you feel is horrible and mean, as you told me I am?"
No reply.

My feeling is "Poop or get off the pot".   Hate me or treat me well.   One or the other.
But they want BOTH.   They want to abuse and they want the contact.   Doesn't make sense to nonPD's.   But it makes sense to PDs.

I've decided that the main root problem with PD's is control.   They need control.   Over everything.   The need for control drives them to violate many many boundaries.  Because you cannot possibly control things/people without violating many many boundaries, emotional and psychological and maybe even physical.

They convince themselves the boundary violations are OK.  They have to convince themselves that the boundary violations are OK in order not to have the cognitive dissonance that the rest of us would have.   They must create narratives in their heads about how we deserve this or that treatment.   If they don't create that narrative, they will have to face the fact that they are so so dysfunctional.  And their very life seems to depend on defending their perfect image.  So they will do literally anything to defend that image.  They will burn down the house, so to speak.

We in one particular country are witnessing this right at this very moment with a prominent political figure.
They will BURN DOWN THE HOUSE. 
That's why they are so dangerous.  They have nothing to lose, kind of like suicide bombers.  The rest of us just sit aghast and in disbelief.

[GettingOOTF]

My sister sent me an email saying "I know you want nothing to do with your family but ...". Basically that she was being the bigger one reaching out to see how I am re Covid.

I am reasonably sure that they spend a lot of time talking about me. They don't really feature in my life as I've more or less accepted I can't have a relationship with them.

Nothing's changed for them and I suspect my being a scapegoat that doesn't fight back triggers them.

My therapist said that my cutting contact forces them to look at their own lives. My sister is in a horribly abusive marriage and went from acknowledging our abusive up bringing to being one of those "he's the only parent we have" people.

They do not change and they do not quietly accept that we have removed ourselves.

When I hear from my family is suspect it's because my father had wound them up more than usual. The same with my ex. When I hear from him I suspect it's becuase things aren't going well in his relationship.

I know that I am not the problem in my family. My behavior and actions is actually the solution. They won't see this through and fight as hard as they can to being me back in to the very dysfunctional system that is my family

[DistanceNotDefense]

My sister sent me an email saying "I know you want nothing to do with your family but ...". Basically that she was being the bigger one reaching out to see how I am re Covid.

I am reasonably sure that they spend a lot of time talking about me. They don't really feature in my life as I've more or less accepted I can't have a relationship with them.

Nothing's changed for them and I suspect my being a scapegoat that doesn't fight back triggers them.

My therapist said that my cutting contact forces them to look at their own lives. My sister is in a horribly abusive marriage and went from acknowledging our abusive up bringing to being one of those "he's the only parent we have" people.

They do not change and they do not quietly accept that we have removed ourselves.

When I hear from my family is suspect it's because my father had wound them up more than usual. The same with my ex. When I hear from him I suspect it's becuase things aren't going well in his relationship.

I know that I am not the problem in my family. My behavior and actions is actually the solution. They won't see this through and fight as hard as they can to being me back in to the very dysfunctional system that is my family

 

Yes! Nailed it.

[Jolie40]

sorry Blueberry Pancakes that your parent is blackmailing you with "going to a lawyer"

probably a lot of talk behind your back which may have aggravated sister & prompted contact


stay strong!

[nanotech]

The email from sister...

' Happy Thanksgiving!—- and here's a great big insult with it!'
I'm glad you've blocked her. That's what shd deserves.
I think the money thing from dad may be just a threat to get you to come back to the fold.
It's all THEIR stuff.
I'm expecting to get sndisinherited once Matt dad gets senile. UNPDGC brother will try it.
I'm resigned to that if it happens. My freedom to be mentally healthy and self -differentiated is so much more important.
They always use holidays to try to do their worst damage.
I'm sending hugs. You're set on your own beautiful path. Don't let their throwing a few rocks divert you. Put on your magic cloak and power through.