Having children and CPTSD

[Maxtrem]

My problem right now is hard to explain. I always wanted to have children and so did my girlfriend.  But I have the impression that this desire has gone away since I've been on my way to be outofthefog. I have a visceral fear of being a bad father. Since I realized that I have CPTSD, I have read a lot about it and I know that parents who have it can have overreactions to bad child behavior. This can be harmful to a child.

It may sound stupid, but I'm also afraid that there is a hereditary component to family dysfunction and I'm afraid of having a child who would be as bad as some of my family members (some of them seem to be sociopaths).

I just find it strange that my desire to have children has faded. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is very eager to have children and I don't want to deprive her of her dream either.

Have any of you ever experienced something similar?       

[D.]

Maxtrem,

How great that you are so self aware and wanting to do what's best for you and any possible future children.  That you are being honest with yourself rather than simply going forward with having a child since that was the original plan.  I worked professionally with families w/young children for a long time.  Something someone told me once really stuck with me, if you aren't sure about have a child then that's a no, for the moment.  It could change of course.  It sounds like you are gathering information and deciding at the moment. 

Personally I have c-ptsd and didn't realize it until my children were older, one was already grown.  In part, because the symptoms really didn't take hold until separation from NPDxh.  And now that you mention it, yes I did overreact at times.  I think the PD father was worse for my son than my daughter (GC).  My daughter is grown and doing well.  My son is finding his way.  Both kids tell me I did "good enough".  I was very focused on parenting and educating them so hopefully that is true.  I also know people w/children w/PD tendencies and if the parents are aware and on top of it, then I have seen the children grow into content, contributing adults.  And although I don't know much about your specific circumstances the environment where a child grows has a huge impact on how PD develops.  I believe that some of the PD people in my family developed many of the characteristics in response to abuse.

From the insight, awareness and concern in your post I suspect you would be a great father and handle any challenges appropriately.

Whatever happens I trust you and your girlfriend will figure what works best for your own circumstances.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Maxtrem,

I totally get ambivalence, I actually had more than I realised. I got an absolutely brilliant book called 'motherhood is it for me?'. It's an amazing book - and I think this question is worth exploration through a resource like this - especially for those of us who have been traumatised from our upbringings. It actually recommends doing the exercises privately as an individual (just to explore your own issues and feelings without external influence). It's a real masterpiece. I know you are a man though, I'm not sure if a book like this exists for men (I sure hope so). Or if you are interested you could read the book anyway, I don't think matters as a lot of its just about being a parent, and childhood experiences.

Anyway, you aren't alone! I think having a scary childhood definitely causes ambivalence. Wishing you the best of luck whatever you choose

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hear you, Maxtrem. I'm a mother of five. There's something to be said for doing things in their proper order. Parent yourself and grow up before you try to raise a child. Right now I'm doing some "catch up" work it seems. I didn't know what I didn't know, particularly with the older ones, and I'm doing the repairs with the kids I exposed to the PDs, unconsciously acted in some similar ways to how my parents did things, etc. I have said to my husband that it would be nice to be able to check out for six months, like when people used to get tuberculosis and go to a sanitarium for a while, then come home healthy. But that's not an option when you are a parent! It's a slower, less linear road for me.

As far as your desire evaporating, that makes sense to me as you are working with your own inner child, and perhaps feeling a lot of old feelings. Emotionally you are often not an adult while you work through this. And you are self-focused. That's not a criticism at all. It's necessary. But becoming a father means your love for another person needs to be pouring out of yourself and overflowing such that it literally becomes a new person. That's hard to manage conceptually (no pun intended) when your focus is so inward. I suspect it would be different if you already had a child, but since you don't, and it's hypothetical, I suspect you simply don't have the emotional or brain space to think about adding that whole new very demanding and very adult role.

It doesn't mean your desire won't return. And it also doesn't mean that should you become a father while you don't necessarily feel like it you will not be a good one. I'm already a mother and still feel ambivalent about it sometimes! Feelings are only one piece of the puzzle, and in this case perhaps not the most important one.

[Hepatica]

I am a little bit star struck, but I had this question a couple of months ago, about how to parent when one has C-PTSD and I sent an email to Peter Walker who wrote C-PTDS - From Surviving to Thriving. I didn't expect a response but got one. He said he has a book called The Tao of Feeling that has chapters specifically on parenting.
I have to get it.

[Duck]

I decided not to have kids for these reasons. At first, my husband still wanted kids, but he slowly came around to my position. As he contemplated his reasons for having kids, he decided they were egocentric and insufficient. It would have been very difficult if we disagreed, but in general, I believe the person who does not want them has the veto because it is something that requires both parties' enthusiastic agreement.

In my analysis, the risk is simply too great.

In candid moments, the exact wording that pops into my mind is "This s&$@ show stops here."

Of course, it is a personal choice and you may decide differently. That is legit. I just wanted to post this to represent my point of view as someone who concluded against children to let you know it is Ok. It is Ok to be ambivalent or unwilling. If you conclude against, don't feel badly. There is a lot of pressure to have children. I have known many people who had children mostly (or entirely) because they bent to the pressure. But really you can do whatever you think is best for you.

For me, the world is a very full place with plenty of people to help and love without creating more.

[Andeza]

The cultures that my husband and I originated in were rather different, but on this it was the same. Both sides pushed for us to have kids, except his parents. They were cool with whatever. My husband and I both decided prior to getting married that we did not want children. They weren't in the picture. We wanted each other, and we wanted that to be our happy little family. And that was what we told people for the first six years of our marriage. By the time we changed our minds, somewhat amazingly at the same time, we had been dating and then married for ten years. All the pressure from everybody else faded away about five years into it. That left us free to evaluate ourselves and our position concerning children having had distance from dysfunctional families for quite some time.

We have a son now, he's pushing two, and we just got the all clear this week to try for #2. Could have gotten that ball rolling earlier this year, but Covid.

We did a lot of work though, prior to having him. I had the most to do since my uBPDm royally screwed me up. I'm still working on things. However, I think thus far we're doing pretty good. A good first step is being willing to do the legwork and learn the things you don't know. A lot of us had PD parents that would not have asked for help or sought out help had their hair been on fire. They thought they were way more perfect than that.    We've put in dozens if not hundreds of hours of reading on early child raising at this point. Some of it at 3AM when the baby is crying and we have no idea why. But, you keep a firm grip on your patience and work it out.

Also, Maxtrem, it's not silly to be worried about the genetic component. There is much in that field that we do not yet understand and may never understand. I recommend that you and your girlfriend both go to a mental health professional together and sit down and discuss your fears, dreams, and desires in a blameless fashion. I think it would be healthy for both of you to state your goals in the relationship as you move forward.

[SaltwareS]

If you are still in touch with your PD parents, it's possible one of them doesn't want you to have children. They get very jealous when their children have children and lives of their own. And they can convince you that you don't want children.

Just something to consider.

[blues_cruise]

I've never had a yearning for children and I don't know if it's because it's genuinely not for me or whether if I felt more adult, emotionally consistent and had a better sense of self I might feel differently. I'm 33 so the clock is ticking, but I just don't feel mentally well enough for it and children need so much attention, stability and nurture. I don't think it would be fair to my child if I ended up struggling mentally and not being able to give them that. I often oscillate between feeling 6 years old and 15 years old and there is so much trauma to constantly unpack and work through.

Something someone told me once really stuck with me, if you aren't sure about have a child then that's a no, for the moment.  It could change of course.

I think this is really good advice. I would say that if you choose to have kids you probably want to be in a position of feeling mentally and practically stable for the majority of the time, plus to feel a fair amount of enthusiasm and optimism for the decision. If all these factors are in place and you're reluctant to go further because you think you might be a bad father, then I'd also consider the possibility that you might be being hard on yourself in that respect.