"What would you like to do?" asked no PD parent ever

[WinterStar]

Hello again. I grey rocked my nice waif Mom's last couple of emails (earlier posts). She wants a phone call, I say I prefer email. She wants a visit, I say we're not up for it but will let her know. She wants to have a heart to heart and hang out often so she can understand me, I say I don't have anything I need to talk about right now.

So she sends me an email this week saying she thinks it's best not to get together for Thanksgiving due to COVID (making it sound like her idea and ignoring that I have told her that I will contact her when we are ready for a visit). She also thinks it would be nice to do a video chat and says I can let her know when works for us.

Um, how about never? I don't want to do a video chat. I don't enjoy video chats with anyone. Two of my kids don't enjoy them either. I don't feel like setting it all up for the one kid who might like it. I don't feel like hearing my mom's voice or what she will have to say. There's always something.

But most of all I hate how these things are never optional. She invites herself to things and then says I can decide when to do them like I'm the one deciding everything. She will sometimes present two equally unappealing options and say I can choose between them. If I say I don't want to do something, she never responds to that; she just re-presents it or something like it later. And she never, ever asks what I want.

I know this is all textbook PD. I'd love to hear similar stories.

[Andeza]

"I can buy you a piece of land! And you can build your dream house on it, and maybe in the back somewhere you can build me a mother-in-law house!"

Uh... how 'bout nah? Cause if I put a dang mother-in-law cabin on it, suddenly it ain't my dream house anymore... It would become a nightmare instead. Never mind the fact that uBPDm has no money. No income, nothing. I don't think she ever thought that through, but she tended not to think anything through really, so can't say I'm surprised.

I think they honestly believe that they are the most fun people to be around, when really, inside, it's just one gigantic cringe fest every time we interact with them. Followed by days of trying to shake it off. Blegh.

Mother-in-law cabin, pfff.

[Thru the Rain]

I get this from my uPDM. "When can I visit?" But asked with no verbal question mark - more like a demand.

I've gotten really good at "now's not a good time". And now with covid - Just about the only good thing to come out of this virus situation is that it's not really safe for my M to fly right now.

And the video chat! We had one with my siblings and my parents. My M put her face right up to the camera like maybe she could see us in there.

Then when she figured out how to sit an appropriate distance away so she could see the screen, the very first thing out of her mouth "Thru the Rain, what's that on your neck?!?" It was a scarf - I had just finished thyroid surgery and I didn't think anyone wanted a close up of the incision.

I answered with A LOT of sarcasm. My surgery wasn't "news", what the heck did she think it was?

Lucky for me my brothers and sister jumped in to help change the subject. Never again!

[SparkStillLit]

My M does that same thing of inviting herself. She just recently left a vm, which I ignored, that said she and stepdad (who I actually adore) were coming over!!!! I had no idea!!!! He banged on the door how he does and I was all wtf....
She leaves copious ling vms almost daily, I've mentioned this elsewhere, that I've decided to ignore.
Then she also does the two gross choices thing. Complete with ignoring you saying no to any of it, presenting the same or similar choices again, or ending with "well, think about it and get back to me" as if you didn't just say NO!!! 

[Hazy111]

No, they never did ask that question. 

[moglow]

🙋 Mine too neither. Mine shows not the most remote interest in talking, visits, or us, unless it serves her momentarily (the mother image only). She will throw down and raise hell that texting or phone calls aren't "talking about things" (mainly because at the slightest hint of pushback or honesty she hangs up or disappears). BUT ask to come over, it's never a good time. There are "reasons." Things I "know nothing about." But she wont just tell us what those are. No. She must hold on to reasons.

Case in point: she's not seen her youngest son and family for over 10yrs now (distance, raising kids, work etc). He contacted her last Thanksgiving - they'd booked time off, were coming for the holiday. Nope, she literally told him it's not a good time. Okay. When IS? She threw out a ramble of excuses and it's not been brought up since. Apparently still not a good time.

See, with mine we must somehow know and accommodate her preference. Always. Accommodate her schedule and nap time and appointments. That we have no idea what those might be is an insult to her apparently, and far be it for her to just step up and tell us what WILL work for her. No, she's too busy picking up sticks to throw later.

[Sneezy]

Cause if I put a dang mother-in-law cabin on it, suddenly it ain't my dream house anymore... It would become a nightmare instead.

Oh, that made me laugh!  Such a classic PD frame of mind.  Like living with us is the best gift they could ever bestow on us.

So my mom does it this way - she acts like she never makes decisions and doesn't care what we do.  She has even said that she CAN'T make decisions and her children need to make them for her.  One time I took her out for lunch and parked halfway between two restaurants that she likes and made her choose.  Honestly, it was like watching someone decide whether they wanted to chop off their right leg or their left leg.  She was sweating.  Because she doesn't like to make an outright decision.  That's too much responsibility.  Someone else has to make the decision, so that when something goes wrong, and it always does, then she has someone else to blame it on.

But, the fact that she doesn't make a direct, observable decision does not mean that she isn't trying as hard as she can to manipulate the decisions using her passive aggressive approach.  So when she says "I never get out" that means she wants me to come take her out.  When she says "I don't know any restaurants around here" that's my cue to find a new place to take her to.  She expects to be entertained and she makes it very clear when I am not living up to her full-time cruise-director expectations.  I guess the question/statement from my mom is "what are you going to do to entertain me" and "be sure that the entire decision on how you are going to entertain me appears to be completely made by you so that when I find something to complain about, then it's all your fault."

[SparkStillLit]

I have a piece of WHACK!! I forgot about this one. This is just plain alternate universe weirdness.
One of my late cats was an ENORMOUS fluffy ginger who weighed 22lb. The vet said he was only just a bit chubby, not obese. He was the hugest cat the vet had ever seen. When I took him to be altered, he was 12lb and I thought he was full grown. Vet told me he was no more than 6 mos.
Anyway. Fast forward lots of years. Cat is now 12. My mom sees him, has seen him lots of times, he was a friendly guy. She says "that cat is going to have kittens" very disapproving.
I say "that cat is an indoor only altered male. He is never having nor contributing to any kittens."
She says "well the vets made a mistake with your aunt's cat. They thought it was female but it was male."
I said "my cat is 12 and definitely male."
Next time she comes over, she again goes on about poor Red and kittens. I remind her of his gender.
This goes on for about a month, until she seems to notice that the cat in question retains his shape and fluff, and produces no kittens, then she drops it.
BIZARRE.

[D.]

Love this topic.  It hits on why I struggle to this day of knowing what I want!  Never was asked, sincerely.  In my case I was asked, but then my answer was ignored or CHANGED.  It's like I would be asked "what do you want?"  Then I would say "oh!  I want apples!"  Then my PDm would say "Wonderful!  Here are the oranges you asked for!"  

[Andeza]

Sheesh, Spark, I would have asked her if she wanted to see the proof for herself. Watch her brain grind to a halt for a few moments. I do it to my MIL all the time.

Glad you got a laugh, Sneezy. I'd be willing to bet good money that she had her ultimate goal in mind, that illustrious and much fabled hospital chair in the living room. She also used to say "be sure to build a guest bedroom." And also tried to force her way into a visit immediately following the birth of our son. I had to lay down the law on that one and she had a hissy fit. Oh well.

[Liketheducks]

Strikes me in all the feels.   I'm 52 and just now letting my inner child choose the things I want vs. being told what I want because I'm mom's mini me and MUST want the exact same things she does.

[Stardust1982]

This is dark comedy, it makes me smile

[WinterStar]

Cause if I put a dang mother-in-law cabin on it, suddenly it ain't my dream house anymore... It would become a nightmare instead.

LOL. Yeah.  I think dream house and I think book nook or porch swing or swimming pool. I think it's rare for someone's dream home to include a MIL cabin. I mean, even if that MIL doesn't have a PD.

Strikes me in all the feels.   I'm 52 and just now letting my inner child choose the things I want vs. being told what I want because I'm mom's mini me and MUST want the exact same things she does.

I hear you. I was told I was "just like" my mom so many times. I knew some of it was wrong, but I'm still learning things like, "Hey, I'm actually fine with my 11 year-old daughter watching a great PG13 show with me." She really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. We talked about some of the mature themes, which led to a great discussion. I still feel afraid that my mom will find out!

In my case I was asked, but then my answer was ignored or CHANGED.

Ah yes, the PD mind trick. These are not the droids you're looking for!

Then she also does the two gross choices thing. Complete with ignoring you saying no to any of it, presenting the same or similar choices again, or ending with "well, think about it and get back to me" as if you didn't just say NO!!! 

Another mind trick! Keep telling someone they're unsure long enough, and it can cause them to doubt themselves.

But, the fact that she doesn't make a direct, observable decision does not mean that she isn't trying as hard as she can to manipulate the decisions using her passive aggressive approach.  So when she says "I never get out" that means she wants me to come take her out.  When she says "I don't know any restaurants around here" that's my cue to find a new place to take her to.  She expects to be entertained and she makes it very clear when I am not living up to her full-time cruise-director expectations.  I guess the question/statement from my mom is "what are you going to do to entertain me" and "be sure that the entire decision on how you are going to entertain me appears to be completely made by you so that when I find something to complain about, then it's all your fault."

Absolutely! I was so good at understanding her weird guessing game. God forbid I make a mistake. It was awful. Still is really since I've stopped guessing, and she's so passive aggressively hurt.

[IRedW77]

Yes! Lots of familiarity here.

For years the plan was I was supposed to buy mom's house and she would fix up the garage and live in that. For whatever reason my GF never wanted to go along with that one—go figure, huh?

The movies comment made me remember when I managed a movie theater way back when. I'd always try to recommend movies that I liked. But OMG if I suggested something she didn't end up liking!! She'd have a rage meltdown because I should have known there was something in it she wouldn't like. I knew her behavior was beyond reasonable, but it just never made sense and was still my fault. Gee mom, I'm sorry you didn't like your free movie. At least the garbage bag full of leftover popcorn didn't disappoint.

The bad options and unrealistic alternatives are really familiar.

My wife and I still have her babysit from time to time. I'm just now learning about her (maybe maybe not u)BPD and rethinking some things, but anyway for the sake of laughs:

"Hey mom, wife and I want to go to see a movie. Theater is 30 minutes away, movie is 2 hours long, and you'll take 45 minutes to settle in at our house before you're ready to watch the kids, so can you come watch the kids for 4 hours?"

Mom: "I'm really tired still from watching the kids last week, how about I come for 90 minutes?"

Me: " Explain again how long everything will take and explain that there aren't any 30 minute long movies"

Mom: "Maybe you can just go for a drive or get dinner or something instead."

Me thinking to myself: The last time we went to a movie we had you stay an extra hour so we could eat. That was too long so this time we've already eaten.

Somewhere in there I try to make her feel guilty that we've already paid for tickets and that the kids wanted to see her (funny how we learn to do to them what they did to us).

You can guess that we end up cancelling everything and thinking twice before we try to go out and do anything else ever again.