He said I’m an extension of him!

[Joga]

I haven't been on here for quite a while. If you look at my post history, you will see that I've been working up to separating from my H for several years now.

We've reached yet another breaking point. We both talked to lawyers, discussed splitting assets, and then he FINALLY decided he wanted to go to counseling and fix himself and stay married. Fine. Counseling starts next week. I doubt it will work but we shall see.

Here's the crazy part y'all: when we were talking the other day, I asked him about all the times he blew up at me for my minor mistakes that would make most people shrug and fix it/move on (forgetting ATM pin, a crooked parking job etc.).

He said he got so angry because he was mad at himself. He hates to fail. He sees me as an extension of himself.  When I fail he fails.

So he just basically admitted he's a narc 

I responded "huh, that's odd. I see you as a separate person."  He quickly modified his statement and said he meant when we were married we became a team and two parts of the same thing. But yeah, no, I'm taking him at his word. Incredible.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you have decided to continue working on your marriage. I hope the counselling goes well.

[losingmyself]

It's curious when they say actual things that describe them perfectly. We know that narcs see us in this way, we've all heard or read about it, and then they go and say it out loud!
Mine does this too. Then takes it back because it seems introspective. And we can't have that.
Good luck to you in your counselling.
Dr. Ramini has some good advice for going to therapy with a narc. I would recommend catching her on you-tube.

[Joga]

Notright, hello! Actually, I am not working on the marriage. He wants to work on it but I don't think I can. I'm thrilled he's seeking counseling for himself so he can maybe get a bit of insight and be a better parent. Chances are, however, that the same patterns will repeat. Who he is at his core won't change. I won't do joint counseling with him.

Currently we are separated in the same home and cordially coparenting. I'm working through my fear of being a single parent and planning how everything will happen with the logistics of it.

I was just shocked that he used the exact words often used to describe Narcs to describe himself. Also glad he said it because it makes this easier for me.

[Joga]

Losingmyself, thanks for the advice about Dr Ramini. I will check that out. I don't plan on therapy with him but it would be useful I'm sure!

[Stillirise]

A couple of years ago, after we had been to counseling, and I'd first started reading here, I tried telling stbxUPDh that I had boundary about an issue regarding my physical body.  He told me married people don't have boundaries.  According to him, the fact that I wanted them, or believed they were necessary, is why we had so many problems.

Lessons learned....he will never respect my boundaries.  I have never again used the word "boundary" while enforcing my boundaries.

You are right to believe what he says.  Also, my stbxUPDh did find some help for his own anxiety, etc., with individual counseling, but it did nothing to improve our relationship.

[Joga]

Stillirise, we have literal boundary issues here too with my body!! I know how you feel.

Thank you for the validation about counseling. I hope it helps him but it won't be enough to help our marriage.