First Xmas without MIL here to poison it and it feels great

[sandpiper]

MIL died earlier on this year. The sad fact is that nobody has missed her and because of Covid, everyone had an excuse not to gather over the grave to pretend that they'd miss her. She had deteriorated over the years to the point where all she did was rage and manipulate and play games and threaten self harm. She was in a nursing home and even though she made my life and my relationship with DH so hard to bear at times, I actually found myself pitying her at the end. What a waste of a life. Being that childish and hateful so that when you go, everyone is simply relieved.
Well, this is the first time in 30 years she hasn't been here to poison Christmas.
Normally I start to dread Christmas by September because I know it will just be another season of dealing with the games - from afar because I was NC, but DH had to deal with her. I was kind of the strategic advisor in the background, helping him not to get caught up in it. But it took a helluva lot of energy.
This year she's not here and for the first time in decades, I'm feeling the same sort of pleasure in the festive season that I used to feel when I was a kid. That sense of anticipation and joy.
I haven't felt that for years. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop because come Father's Day, her strategy for poisoning Xmas would be in place and I couldn't relax, wondering what drama she'd pull this year.
I'd struggle to pick a winner with those. There was the time she decided she was going blind but could miraculously read every billboard on a car trip, and that was cured when I contacted the blind support association on her behalf to see if they could get her an assistance dog or sign her up to learn Braille and to get audiobooks from the library. Suddenly she made a dramatic recovery. She did like the audiobooks though so perhaps that helped to distract her from her own inner monologue of Blech.
My other favourite was the September that she decided she had breast cancer. Without medical assessment, of course. And she'd be dead by Xmas. Santa came and went and failed to carry her off on the home run in his sled and drop her into the nearest volcano (dang) so as usual she made a miracle recovery by mid January.
It's strange to know we won't have to contend with any of that this year.
I feel so free and light.
A weight has lifted.
I don't feel guilty about it.
I'm just enjoying it.
In a strange way, MIL made my relationship with my DH what it is today. We are such good friends and we understand each other because we've both had to navigate the insanity and develop skills and insight and humour, to deal with it.
I made my peace with what she was. My thinking is that she and her sister must have lived through something awful to become so vile, and we will never know what. I guess having seen that my own sisters have gone down that path to personality disorder ruin, it has given me an idea of what would take someone there.
I'm reminded of a line from Smallville, about Lex Luthor.
'The path to darkness isn't a light switch. It's a trajectory. One step into darkness at a time.'
And a timely reminder to myself, I think, that getting caught up in their rollercoaster ride is a choice.
Detaching is a choice.
Even when I was wanting to scream and rant at her and my own inner dialogue was horrible, I'd force myself to step away and find something else to do. Find another way to live.
I'm not sure what I want to say here. Maybe I'm just wanting to offer encouragement to those of you who are struggling. To remind you that you can step outside of it and look for peace, look for joy. Build a good life.
there were so many times that I just despaired about how DH used to get sucked back into the whirlpool of their drama and their hoovers.
I think what got me through that was the senior members here quietly reminding me 'This isn't about how he feels about you. It's just that he simply isn't ready to be an orphan.'
It takes so much strength and stability and sanity to be able to stare into that abyss and see your parents for the damaged human beings that they were.
I'm no longer surprised when I see that this is just a step that is too hard for some people to take.
Be kind to yourselves this season.
I get how tough it is. I've been there.
I know that some of your relationships will be torn apart by the demons of your BPD in-laws and the impact that has on your partners.
Be kind to yourselves. Try not to swallow their poison. Try not to do their work for them by allowing them to pit all of you against each other.
This journey really is about learning to be the Zen Master Ninja of navigating a cesspit full of drama.
But it has brought some amazing people into my life, and it's taught me a lot about myself.
So I am allowing myself to be glad that MIL is gone and she's just not here to poison this Xmas.
I've already seen a few other people step up and invite themselves to the job vacancy of Christmas Poisoner. And I have just quietly stepped back from each of them and I remind myself to focus on something else.
The serenity and the sense of hope and anticipation, now that she's not here.
Wow.
It is like a cloud has lifted and some sort of super-powered villain has gone.
I wonder what they could achieve with their lives if they devoted themselves to creating something wonderful instead of moving down their path like a wrecking ball.
And now I'm wondering what I will be able to achieve with my life, now that we have such a lovely measure of peace.

[notrightinthehead]

What a wonderful self reflection! You made me want to go to the attic and take the x-mas box down.

[Boat Babe]

My friend's toxic mum died a few years ago. I remember her saying that the whole family had a lovely Xmas get-together the first year. They were sad that she was gone but her absence meant that everyone had a peaceful, loving and joyful time.   I hope that when I'm gone it isn't an occasion for sighs of relief all round!

[Hilltop]

Sounds wonderful.  Get those decorations up and enjoy.  I loved reading this and laughed along, written with such humour. Thank you.

When I was first married my MIL told me she would be dead soon, oh the drama, the theatrics, of course we had to include her in everything, she was going to die soon.     I am still waiting 18 years later, she's not dead yet.

One thing I am noticing though is this year I have had reduced contact with PD FOO and MIL and I bought new Christmas decorations and I am feeling quite festive.  It is quite noticeable how much my mood improves with distance from them.  In laws don't celebrate and we will have a quiet celebration away from my FOO.  It just seems so peaceful this year and I'm looking forward to it.

Enjoy your Christmas, throw yourself into those festivities. Enjoy the whole thing.

[GettingOOTF]

I was glad when my MiL died. I know that’s a terrible thing to say but she was so awful to me. I felt that the world was a better place with out her in it.

Holidays were very triggering for my BPDxH. He’d start ramping up a couple of months before. I didn’t realize how stressful the holidays were until I split with my ex. For a coupe of years I didn’t celebrate any holiday. I’d get really tense and stressed even seeing decorations.

We’d always go to his family and it was awful. His mother would wind up his siblings and there was always some massive family drama.

I’m so happy I can finally enjoy the holidays again.

[SunnyMeadow]

Sandpiper, what a powerful post! I can feel the relief and lightness in your words. Thank you so much for sharing. I am waiting for my uPD mother to go and can't wait to be done with her holiday drama.

I smiled at the ridiculousness of her going blind and having breast cancer, all without a medical diagnosis.

Hopefully your dh feels the relief too. Enjoy the holidays! 

[sandpiper]

 Thanks for all your responses.
I still have that lovely sensation of lightness and pleasurable anticipation.
I don't do the big Xmas gathering - I have done many of those when I was younger & FWIW having to do a shedload of cooking in the subtropical heat of an Australian summer really isn't fun. If it was winter I'd be all for it. So when anyone says what are you doing for Xmas? I say 'Living the dream. I will sleep in and then spend the day seeing how far I can spit watermelon seeds over the deck into the garden.'
What I am really looking forward to is the visits from friends from out of town. There will be BBQs on the deck and lazy days at the beach and board games and the occasional cocktail.
It's just so lovely to know that we can relax and look forward to that without waiting for MIL to put herself into hospital with some imagined catastrophe. And there will be no more cards that I've told DH to bin without opening, as in typical PD fashion, she looked forward to Xmas every year because it was her opportunity to be as nasty as she chose and to dress it up as 'Christmas spirit'. The passive aggressive need to say something nasty in a card or in person, or to choose a gift based on your knowledge of how well it expresses how much inner rage they want to funnel at you...wow. I will not miss any of that one teensy tiny bit.
I hope she's at peace now.
We certainly are, because we no longer have to navigate her barbs and her venom and her chaos.

[BettyGray]

Oh, that September Dread. I know it well.  Mine used to set in the day after Labor Day, except  it was my PD family. Luckily MIL made the holidays fun. But the looming Christmas plans for a PD visit stressed me out - for months before,then with a month of recovery. So many wasted months!!

One of the VERY FIRST thoughts upon going NC was “I NEVER HAVE TO DREAD CHRISTMAS AGAIN!!!”

Zen Master Ninja of navigating a cesspit full of drama.

This is a perfect description.

I apply the same type of thinking except for me it’s “Jedi Master” 

The day I went NC 5 years ago I went to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Like, (DH) hung up the phone with Nmom, and we went directly to the movies for some Hollywood Blockbuster-level distraction from the avalanche of pain headed my way.

I am not even that big of a Star Wars fan, but boy - that was a powerful film for me in that moment. Feeling orphaned, fighting alone, eventually finding a new family & sense of belonging, honing skills as a Jedi with a tie to the Force so strong nothing could break it - I think it will stick with me forever.

I am so very happy you found peace. The giant presence of a PD parent or in-law leaves a big hole when they are gone. It’s there for us to fill with people, pets, activities and other things that are worth our time.

To future Holiday seasons we anticipate- in a good way!