Advice on weathering loneliness

[Sapling]

I recently let go of a few people due to toxic PD behavior - a couple of friends who I thought I was close with and my own sister. Although it was difficult and unpleasant, I felt really relieved about it because was like I finally recognized the noxious weeds in what looked like a healthy garden, and ripped them out so that something healthy can grow there. But now, that same garden bed is looking pretty empty and am feeling nervous about whether something will in fact grow there again.

I'm ok being on my own during the week because I'm working and have things to do, and I make an effort to see other people, but when I have a day off and I'm tired and trying to relax at home, I start to fear that I will be alone forever, that my standards are too high, that I am not cut out for close relationships, and other things that I know deep down are just nonsense but they seem to be playing in my head all the same. Its frustrating because I work pretty hard and these thoughts take the pleasure out of my well deserved time off.

It has also been particularly difficult because of Covid and because I am alone in my flat and have struggled to find another flatmate during this time. This feels like the worst time to be single and estranged from friends and family. Lately I've found myself just wishing there was someone at home to give me a hug on a rough day.

I've had to work to overcome the feeling that love is something other people can afford to expect but not me. Sometimes, that vulnerability is still there on days when I find myself alone at home.

Is there something I should be doing in the meantime while I am looking to make new friends and move on? Or is this just something that will subside after some time?

[Boat Babe]

Hello Sapling and first here a big hug. 

I totally get where you're coming from and am really feeling the same atm. The Covid crisis has made things much worse for people like us. Loneliness is my bottom line core pain and I can't get my people fix at the moment. Luckily I have a dog so I get some love and physical affection or I'd go mad.

So, how do we deal with all that? You are clearly doing the best you can and that tells me you are a healthy person with a good understanding of reality.  You have the technology!!!   For me, the Self Compassion work of Dr Kristine Neff has been a life saver for dealing with difficult and painful feelings and I highly recommend her. The website has many free resources. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Prolonged contact with people with PDs is damaging but, crucially, it does not make us unlovable but does leave us feeling that way.  Are you in a position to access some therapy? Join an online support group? Do some voluntary work? We all need meaningful connections and you can reach out and find them.

Sending love ❤️

[Hepatica]

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely. You're not alone in those feelings. I'm feeling it too. I like your analogy of weeding the garden. Right now my garden looks very forlorn and lifeless. As we move into the colder months I am going to remind myself that the space I created in my garden can be filled later with what ever I choose. I imagine we are very much like seasons inside of ourselves, so during this time where we are all feeling more isolation than ever to really begin to feed our souls and contemplate what brings us fulfillment and joy. When the sun comes and the warmer weather and Covid lifts we will hopefully know ourselves so well we use that knowledge and energy to invest in doing what we love and I am hoping that this will bring to me good people, even a more rich FOC, so that the loss of my sister and parents won't hurt as bad as it does right now.

I've lost everybody. I feel like an orphan and I also lost my job due to neck and back issues. I have way too much time to think, so I understand why it comes flooding back to you during your down time.

I agree with Boat Babe. I think Kristen Neff is great as well. I have also been doing meditations with Tara Brach on her website. I am spending a lot of time trying to learn what it is that brings me joy. It's not easy when the grief hits, as it surely does. But we can trust that our lives will evolve and removing toxic relationships will open us up to space to plant healthier ones, especially if we take this down time to learn to care and love ourselves. We've been though a lot.  I think we have to acknowledge that while also keeping that faith that this can evolve into a better existence for us. Sometimes that is hard. I have those bad days for sure.

Thank you for sharing because I really needed to write this for myself as well. It was a hard day yesterday. Lots of tears. I know a lot of it heightened by this pandemic. These are hard times. We cannot deny this, so extra TLC for ourselves and others. We are strong, we are brave, we are good and we can get through this. 

[Jolie40]

Is there something I should be doing in the meantime while I am looking to make new friends

there are SO many online classes/zoom meets now
look for a couple to get involved with & that interaction will brighten your day

in your spare time, maybe find a new interest/hobby, read, try new recipes, etc
when you have many interests to keep you busy, you can enjoy time by yourself

[Sapling]

Thank you all for your thoughts and your hugs

I will definitely check out the Self Compassion work of Dr Kristine Neff you suggested. Thank you Boat Babe. I do normally see a therapist but I have no appointments til January and my T is booked out so I do feel a bit stranded without that support at the moment.

I've lost everybody. I feel like an orphan and I also lost my job due to neck and back issues. I have way too much time to think, so I understand why it comes flooding back to you during your down time.

Hepatica, I totally hear you. I have been there in the immediate aftermath of losing parents and sibling and its tough. I was also out of work this year for 6 months due to Covid so I feel for you losing your job rn. Its not easy. Thank you for sharing that. I also follow Tara Brach and have been watching her YT talks all through Covid and she has really helped me through some difficult days.

Jolie40, thank you for your advice. I think we're both on the same page. Earlier on this year I took some online creative writing classes that kept me in touch with community during lockdown and recently I signed up for some music lessons that I've always wanted to do but they don't start until December. I do especially enjoy reading but I guess my demons tend to visit me when I'm really exhausted and need to just chill out and not do very much. Its those times that I wish there was just someone else here to have a cup of tea with and laugh about something silly. I miss that kind of thing.

Thank you all for your kindness and understanding. I'm sending you a big hug back 

[guitarman]

It can feel scary to feel so alone but you are now safe. So well done. Congratulate yourself.

Little by little things will change for you. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

You are never alone here.

You may also like to join the Wisdom 2.0 Mindfulness group to meditate and learn with others from all over the world. The free live meditations are on Zoom and YouTube.

https://www.wisdom2summit.com/

[guitarman]

You may like to access your local mental health groups. Many have set up buddy groups to support people at this time. They make sure to call people or Zoom chat regularly.

Many other people are experiencing what you are going through as well at this difficult time for the whole world.

It is important to feel connected.

You are not alone.

[Sapling]

It can feel scary to feel so alone but you are now safe. So well done. Congratulate yourself.

Little by little things will change for you.

Thank you Guitarman. I so needed to hear this. "Little by little things will change." I hope so.

I started on the Self-Compassion exercises today and that helped me get through the day but it does feel pretty scary atm and I'm definitely taking it one day at a time. Thank you for the resources. I'll check out the mindfulness group you suggested.

[Hopeful Spine]

Echoing the others - you are not alone.  Congrats on weeding out the toxic.  I love the garden reference too. 

I have not removed close people from my life but I have let people drift away.  I have spent considerable time deciding how to manage other relationships, making efforts to develop new ones and then spending time second guessing all my decisions. 

It's been over a year since I became mindful.  Some days are hard - but it's getting easier to make good choices.  Covid makes it harder.  Not being able to even visit my favorite places, share a smile with a cashier or hug a stranger - those are things I miss far more than the people I let drift away. 

I think for many, we've been putting our lives on hold, thinking that soon we'll be able to roam freely without a mask, buy tickets to an event, and enjoy life again.  Those of us who are "waiting" are learning that it's time to start looking for those alternative ways of connecting (such as the zoom events, etc).  You are right - this is not an ideal time to be single and estranged - but it WILL get better.

[Sapling]

Thank you Hopeful Spine. I appreciate your kinds words.

I agree with you that "for many, we've been putting our lives on hold, thinking that soon we'll be able to roam freely without a mask, buy tickets to an event, and enjoy life again.  Those of us who are "waiting" are learning that it's time to start looking for those alternative ways of connecting (such as the zoom events, etc)."

I'm grieving at this time and I am grieving alone and if it weren't for all of you on this forum I would be REALLY REALLY alone right now, so thank you.

[blues_cruise]

I'm in a similar position myself. I've allowed an increasingly one sided friendship to slip away and don't speak to my siblings often anymore and it's got to a point of "Ah. There's no-one left."

The way I'm looking at it though is that this is an opportunity to work on myself, develop better habits of self-care and try new hobbies. I've been stuck in a catch-22 of being fearful of being hurt by people and therefore not reaching out, but also being targetted by toxic people because they can sense this uncertainty about myself and low self-esteem...I've been too nice to be picky about who I'm friendly with, too much of a people pleaser and ended up in friendships and social situations that haven't been entirely healthy for me.

To go back to your lovely garden analogy, this could be an opportunity to nurture yourself within that garden and see what good things come up as you do so. The strongest, best cared for plants are always more reslient to pests and are better placed to attract the bees and butterflies.  It makes sense to me that the more we care for ourselves the more likely it is that we will attract more positive people into our lives. I think with more opportunity to pursue hobbies and interests it will be easier too as this will be where you're most likely to meet similar minded people.

When it comes to coping with negative thoughts, it might sounds cliche but practising mindfulness meditation really can help with identifying your thoughts and learning to be ease with what comes up. Headspace is a really good app for this and has a course called 'Reframing Loneliness' which I've found really helpful.

You deserve love and connection just as much as anyone, we all do. 

[Sapling]

I'm in a similar position myself. I've allowed an increasingly one sided friendship to slip away and don't speak to my siblings often anymore and it's got to a point of "Ah. There's no-one left."

The way I'm looking at it though is that this is an opportunity to work on myself, develop better habits of self-care and try new hobbies. I've been stuck in a catch-22 of being fearful of being hurt by people and therefore not reaching out, but also being targetted by toxic people because they can sense this uncertainty about myself and low self-esteem...I've been too nice to be picky about who I'm friendly with, too much of a people pleaser and ended up in friendships and social situations that haven't been entirely healthy for me.

To go back to your lovely garden analogy, this could be an opportunity to nurture yourself within that garden and see what good things come up as you do so. The strongest, best cared for plants are always more reslient to pests and are better placed to attract the bees and butterflies.  It makes sense to me that the more we care for ourselves the more likely it is that we will attract more positive people into our lives. I think with more opportunity to pursue hobbies and interests it will be easier too as this will be where you're most likely to meet similar minded people.

When it comes to coping with negative thoughts, it might sounds cliche but practising mindfulness meditation really can help with identifying your thoughts and learning to be ease with what comes up. Headspace is a really good app for this and has a course called 'Reframing Loneliness' which I've found really helpful.

You deserve love and connection just as much as anyone, we all do. 

Dear blues_cruise,

Thank you so much for sharing this. And I'm sorry to hear that you are in a similar position right now. Even though you sound like you really are doing all the right things, I know it still hurts. I can really relate to being targeted by toxic people because of low self-esteem. In a lot of ways, I can see how over the years a lot of self-criticism, self-neglect, and general beating up on myself (for no good reason) has left me vulnerable to certain types of people and behaviors. Self-care and self-love actually feel like hard work for someone like me.

I love how you extended the garden analogy and my mission now is to become one of those strong, well cared for plants that is more resilient to pests. For me, the challenge is taking care of the hurt I feel and allowing myself to believe that there is love and connection out there for me... that this loneliness will not last forever.

Thank you for your recommendation of "reframing loneliness". I will definitely try it out.

I'm sending you a  as you navigate this difficult time too.

[1footouttadefog]

Similar place in life.

Some lopsided relationships have been let go. Some toxic relationships have been moved away from.

I was in a good place meeting new people at meetup events and exploring some new social outlets when the Covid thing sort of shut it all down.

I have done alot of projects and home repairs etc.  So theoretically when things in improve I should be able to go play, bit this phase is going long due to Covid and I am getting a bit weary.

I am trying to submerse myself into some long term projects like a small property I am developing into a permaculture farm with a tiny home.  Life is keeping me away from there and that is frustrating as well. 

Press forward and dont lean to heavily on those you meet. Its easy for us nons to overwhelm or exoect too much out if new friendships amd this puts us at risk of veing taken in by pd people who look for this.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I can say "me, too."  I'm living alone for almost the first time in my life (since breakup with PDex last year).  And self-isolating bc I'm very high risk.  This is a loooooong haul!

I find that it's not just that I miss being close to others, though I so much do!    It also triggers fears dating back to a childhood of rejection and ostracism.  It's a really primal feeling,   Like maybe the disconnection is going to get worse and worse and I'm going to be completely deserted and die alone.   I had that terror a lot as a kid (for some good reasons).  It goes along with the feeling that , of course, no one wants to be connected to you.  And you shouldn't burden anyone with your presence. I have to work with those old messages.  (I wonder if they'll ever go away for good.)

So I spend some time in self-compassion & self-parenting.  I reach out to people I do trust and care about, even though most of them live with loved ones and work, & so have much less free time than I have.  Self-care stuff like staying active and spending time outdoors.  I frequently join a Zoom group during the day.

This still leaves me alone most hours of my day.  I contemplate what are the things that have meaning for me that are most easily done in solitude -- like meditation, reading and study, trying new, maybe quirky, things I normally wouldn't have time for.  I try to appreciate that this time has its own gifts to give me if I'm conscious of it.  That's almost impossible if I'm feeling despair, which I sometimes do.  But otherwise, it uplifts me to contemplate that and to feel thankful.

May we all find comfort . . . with each other . . . and in our own hearts . . .

[Sapling]

Press forward and dont lean to heavily on those you meet. Its easy for us nons to overwhelm or exoect too much out if new friendships amd this puts us at risk of veing taken in by pd people who look for this.

Dear 1footouttadefog, Thank you for saying this because I can sense already that I am expecting a lot from new potential friendships and I do need to exercise a bit of calm and patience. What you're saying makes so much sense about how PDs look for this ... Good luck with your permaculture farm and home projects. I'm also trying to do as much at home as I can (reading, music, a bit of gardening) but its definitely feeling like a long hall rn. Appreciate your kind words and insight

[Sapling]

I find that it's not just that I miss being close to others, though I so much do!    It also triggers fears dating back to a childhood of rejection and ostracism.  It's a really primal feeling,   Like maybe the disconnection is going to get worse and worse and I'm going to be completely deserted and die alone.   I had that terror a lot as a kid (for some good reasons).  It goes along with the feeling that , of course, no one wants to be connected to you.  And you shouldn't burden anyone with your presence. I have to work with those old messages.  (I wonder if they'll ever go away for good.)

So I spend some time in self-compassion & self-parenting.  I reach out to people I do trust and care about, even though most of them live with loved ones and work, & so have much less free time than I have.  Self-care stuff like staying active and spending time outdoors.  I frequently join a Zoom group during the day.

This still leaves me alone most hours of my day.  I contemplate what are the things that have meaning for me that are most easily done in solitude -- like meditation, reading and study, trying new, maybe quirky, things I normally wouldn't have time for.  I try to appreciate that this time has its own gifts to give me if I'm conscious of it.  That's almost impossible if I'm feeling despair, which I sometimes do.  But otherwise, it uplifts me to contemplate that and to feel thankful.

May we all find comfort . . . with each other . . . and in our own hearts . . .

Dear Lookin 2 B Free, I can so relate to your situation and also being triggered into childhood fears of being alone, abandoned, invisible. Sometimes I have this strange feeling that I will simply disappear (even I though I know this is crazy!) . I also have friends who are in relationships, live with loved ones, have kept their jobs during Covid, and I feel like I am burdening them when I ring them as they are busier than me.

I really relate to this: "I try to appreciate that this time has its own gifts to give me if I'm conscious of it.  That's almost impossible if I'm feeling despair, which I sometimes do.  But otherwise, it uplifts me to contemplate that and to feel thankful." It is when despair threatens to show up that I find it the hardest.

I'm also working really hard to reprogram this messaging but sometimes it feels like a real uphill battle and I wonder if I simply do not have the fuel for the journey (ie. enough love/self-love to sustain myself). But then sometimes, I just feel good about the fact that I survived the day and will carry on until things get better. Thank you for sharing this and making me feel a little less alone

[Jolie40]

this is not a skill usually taught in childhood -how to be alone & content

there needs to be classes on this subject 
-not everyone gets married
-many woman lose their husbands & they're alone for 20 yrs or more
-people can be taught it's ok to go places by yourself such as restaurants, movies, theatre, etc
-if a friend cancels for an event, go anyway

[newlife33]

I began to learn to love myself.  Two years ago I went to a concert on NYE by myself and it was freeing.  I learned that I loved music, it gave me joy and it was ok to enjoy it.  Then I went to museums, parks and more.

Once I established the things I enjoyed doing on my own, I could go out and find other people who like those things. So maybe this last part of COVID you could look into finding things that give you joy on your own.  Once you find a few then you can get by on the hope and plans of going out and trying to meet people with similar interests when things open up again.

[Sapling]

Thank you Jolie40 and newlife33. So many good ideas and insights on this thread. Appreciate everyone's thoughts and encouragement.