Trying not to look heartless

[Bunnyme]

I posted that my uNBPDh went back to rehab and lied about it.  Well, apparently, he fell and broke his ankle yesterday while he was there.  My in laws want lot of updates, and the expectation is that, as I am still his wife, I will visit or take care of him.  Um...no.  I think they are surprised Im not really reacting.  I am not heartless.  I feel for him in the caring for other human beings sense, just as I would if a coworker or a stranger fell and broke their ankle.  Im sure it sucks...especially since he is in a drug rehab and they wont give him anything for it.  But after everything, I feel no responsibility for his care (besides the fact that he is still on my health insurance).  I dont feel an urge to rush out to see him, nor arrange to care for him upon his release.  Like, I wish him well in his recovery.  Period.  Does that make me sound totally heartless?  I'm generally a very compassionate person.  I dont like this feeling.  He has just shown such an utter disregard for me in all senses of the word that I just cant bring myself to care anymore. I have an appointment for just after Thanksgiving with my new attorney, and I'll likely be serving him with custody papers while he is still recovering (something I had planned to do already).  My own mother thinks that would be a terrible thing for me to do. 

[Poison Ivy]

I do not think you are heartless.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Good for you, Bunny, for keeping your eyes on the prize.  That has to stay the number 1 priority until you're safely out.  You'll have time to let down your guard some and feel your full range of feelings once this is done and over and you're safe.

I learned something years ago that helped me let go of whether others think I'm the "bad guy."  On the drama triangle (victim, rescuer, perpetrator), someone seizes the victim role and tries to make the other person rescue them.  When the other person doesn't do that, they cry "perpetrator!"  That's how they keep you hooked in.  What this trainer told us, that I've never forgotten, is that the ONLY exit off the triangle is to let them accuse you of being the "bad guy" and just walk away.    If you're not willing to let people think what they think, say what they say, about you being the "bad guy," you will be enmeshed with them forever. 

This was so freeing for me!  I know I'm not an uncaring, bad person, despite the smear campaigns.  For my own wellbeing I just have to ignore the accusations and do what is right for me.  It's not comfortable, but it's necessary.  You keep doing what is right for you and getting support from the people who understand.   We're pulling for you.

[notrightinthehead]

If your own mother thinks that to free yourself from a terrible situation would be a terrible thing, you might want to consider if she played any role in you getting trapped in that situation in the first place. Either by modelling your role or by fogging your life up in another way. Of course she is entitled to her opinion, but this is all it is. Just an opinion. She has not walked in your shoes. She does not know what living with your h does to you and your kid. The same applies to the comments of other people. It might be helpful to surround yourself with supportive people only for the time being. Your situation is difficult enough as it is, the time for reflection is later. Now you need to protect yourself and your child. You need to do what you can to get yourself to a safe place where you can start a life not based on addiction and lies.
You are not heartless. In fact you are being kind by letting your h experiencing some consequences for his behaviour, something that his parents seem so reluctant to do.

[GettingOOTF]

Notrightinthrhead makes a great point. Once I left my my marriage I started to see the role my upbringing played in who I’d become and the situations I considered acceptable.

I was also made out to be the bad person when I left. By both families. I came to see that his family were angry at me for leaving as he’d become their problem. As long as we remained married I took care of my ex.

I was so worried about what they and our friends thought of me. It didn’t matter. I never see any of them any more. For me personally I came to see that the  people who were friends with him had their own issues else they wouldn’t be friends with someone like him. I have a totally different support circle now.

It was so hard to pull myself out of the drama. One day my ex threatened to kill himself and I remember how it suddenly became crystal clear now much better my life would be if he did. My ex tried all sorts of things to stop me leaving. At some point they stopped working as I saw through the manipulation and I started putting my needs first.

My ex had one crisis after another, including a horrific accident that put him in the hospital for weeks and kept me with him for another year as he needed so much care and I felt so bad for him. I wouldn’t swear to it in court but I think my ex caused the accident on purpose as things were really bad between us and I had one foot out the door. A year or so later when I was getting ready to leave he ended up being committed to a secure ward. These are extreme examples but he did everything he could to stop me leaving. I’d still be with him if I hadn’t decided that what others thought of my decisions was none of my business.

I agree, keep your eye on the prize. I’m happy to read that you have a new attorney. There are many similarities in our situations and the advice you were getting previously didn’t sit well with my experience of these kinds of divorces.

[hhaw]

Don't let the ILs or your mother manipulate you to reduce their discomfort.

Stay the course.

Serve those custody papers while PD in rehab.  Your first obligation is to yourself and children.  Always.

It's a shame the PD put himself in this position.  He put you there too, with your permission.

Now you're withdrawing permission and limiting the chaos, which is within your right to do.

This step isn't heartless.

This step is reclaiming agency over yourself and your life.

This step is modeling how to DO that for your children.

A priceless holiday gift for everyone, IME.

Goid luck.  This too shall pass.

[Bunnyme]

How silly I was to worry.  He is eating up the attention he is getting.. to the point that he is going back to the hospital again.  Since the original break, he has gone back for foot MRI's.  Then last week, he was taken to the ER for a possibly blood clot in his lung.  Turned out to be dehydration.  Today, he is going back to another doctor for a head ct because he keeps feeling so dizzy.  Oh, and did he mention (yet again) how many times he has fallen?  But it is probably nothing.  It could be serious, but he is hoping it is nothing.  He just wants to make sure i know in case anything happens.  Every time, he acts as if he is on his death bed. 

And now, surprise, surprise, he has decided to stay at rehab longer.  Every time he leaves, he has to spend a couple of days in quarantine where he gets his phone back and doesnt go to physical therapy.  I'm really not trying to minimize going to rehab...but he is basically at a lakeside resort getting every meal brought to his room and his laundry done for him.  I think he will drag this out as long as he can.  If I thought he was serious, I'd obviously be extremely concerned.  It is just all so boy who cried wolf at this point.
Everyone around him is just playing right into it.  I generally respond with "ok" or "good luck with that" and say nothing else before giving the phone to the kids. 

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like he bumped into a patient named Karma at the rehab.

I can totally get that you habe had enough and dont want to play caretaker and messy life cleanup crew any longer. I relate.

He is at a hospital so Its not like his medical needs are not being met. 

[hhaw]

Yup, B.

Mind your own business.

Let the PD mind his.

It's ok to tend to yourself and children......you'll get used to it.

[RAC46]

"I learned something years ago that helped me let go of whether others think I'm the "bad guy."  On the drama triangle (victim, rescuer, perpetrator), someone seizes the victim role and tries to make the other person rescue them.  When the other person doesn't do that, they cry "perpetrator!"  That's how they keep you hooked in.  What this trainer told us, that I've never forgotten, is that the ONLY exit off the triangle is to let them accuse you of being the "bad guy" and just  walk away."

This is incredibly astute. Thank you for sharing.