Identifying healthy friendships

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I'm going through a period of growth now (which is good I think!), but it's also causing me to reevaluate some friendships.

I'm just wondering if anyone has some green flags (and red flags) about things to look for in terms of healthy relationships.

My current red flags (based on things that have happened):
- being critical, judgemental
- not respecting or dismissing requests for boundaries
- not apologising / going half way
- ignoring /silent treatment if something good happens in my life/I achieve something. Expecting praise of they do something

Green flags
- kindness, consideration, respect
- respecting boundaries
- meeting half way
- supportive of achievements
- respecting confidences
- appreciating person without wanting to 'change' or 'fix'

Any other thoughts or ideas welcome!!! 😊

[notrightinthehead]

Excellent points you made and I like the topic. It helps to reflect what we want.
I would add to green flags, common interests and the ability to sort out their own problems

[Sapling]

Great topic JollyJazz. I would like to add couple of green flags to this:
1. reciprocity (the friendship is a two way street)
2. trust (I know sometimes it can feel too early to tell whether someone is trustworthy, but if their words match their actions, that's a good start)

And I'm with you on "not apologizing/going half way" being a red flag. Self-reflection and the ability to apologize wholeheartedly when necessary is important.

[Hattie]

I would add:

Red flag- talking too much and dominating the conversation

Green flag- active listening balanced with talking about experiences

[Jolie40]

for friendships I've had:
-usually, it's that we click & can talk about anything & everything
-a lot of laughter
-I try to avoid expectations with friendships since it leads to disappointment



sometimes, I've been the one to keep a friendship going
i.e. the one who always calls

when a friend answers phone & we talk/laugh/catch up, so glad that I called
not upset that they weren't the one who thought to call first esp. since people are so busy

[JollyJazz]

Hi Notrightinthehead, Sapling, Hattie, Jolie40,
Thanks for all these great thoughts ☺️

Breaking confidences (or respecting confidences as a green flag) is a big one for me lately. I have one friend to whom I once confided very personal and painful information about a relationship, and I came over to visit her (and it was me visiting her 95% of the time) and she was telling someone else the whole story! I have also found her telling other people's personal info (in a critical way). It's hard when there are other things you like about a person - but lately I'm feeling that this is really important.

I also found that this friend gives the silent treatment when good things happen in my life - but I support her on the good things that happen in her life. My usual reaction is to just forgive her, that maybe she's a bit jealous, but lately I feel like I would like friends who don't get annoyed when good things happen for me!!!

It makes me sad, but I think it's better if I get distance to avoid being hurt.

It's good to think about what to look for in future friendships 😊

[Sapling]

I also found that this friend gives the silent treatment when good things happen in my life - but I support her on the good things that happen in her life. My usual reaction is to just forgive her, that maybe she's a bit jealous, but lately I feel like I would like friends who don't get annoyed when good things happen for me!!!

It makes me sad, but I think it's better if I get distance to avoid being hurt.

JollyJazz, You totally deserve to have people cheering for you when good things happen in your life! That should be the minimum.

I had a slightly different but parallel situation with a uHPD friend who would act out in this way whenever I was assertive. My T told me that being exposed to a "friend" who undermines something like assertiveness will eventually make me shy away from being assertive. In your case, you might start to fear good things happening to you because you are being punished with the silent treatment (aka emotionally abused) whenever good things happen.

I hope you get all the distance you need from this person and move onto healthier friendships with people who celebrate with you when good things come to you. Thank you for posting and sharing this. It really helped me process some of my own recent experiences too.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Sapling,

It's funny you said this, because I just thought something like this yesterday, it's like it's training me to focus on emotional supply to her, and keeping myself small, not asking for support cheering on for my things.

I also (as politely as I possibly could) drew a boundary with another friend about sharing something personal I told her to another person.

She didn't react that well, and I've been second guessing myself, wondering if I shouldn't have asked... it's not familiar ground for me.

It sounds similar to what your friend is doing... pushing you from being healthily assertive.

I think asking for support is related, healthy relationships involve respect for boundaries, love, respect, support for BOTH.

Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm glad that this was helpful to you too. Wishing you the best. Isn't this forum great! 😊

[Honey_B]

Excellent thread! I am in a similar process of reconsidering my friendships but I really need pointers on what is good and what is bad dynamic in a friendship.

Here is my (so far) list..

Red flags:
- Amount of talking/listening is not balanced 50/50
- The other person does not remember things about me that I have told them several times before
- Person seems not interested in my perspective on an issue

Green flags:
- Person can cope with a little silence in the conversation without panicking
- Seems interested in my perspective and asks for it
- Can cope with disagreement and see an issue from both sides without judgement

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I like this thread.  Instead of just absence of red flags to assess the health of a friendship, it sure seems we should also look for green ones. I think everyone gave great responses. Here are my thoughts:

1. They ask how you are, and you can answer without them interrupting with comments on how it relates to them. 
2. You express an opinion that differs from theirs and they will not respond with attempts to demean or change it.         
3. Overall assess how you feel after spending time with them. If you feel calm, energized and happy it is a "green flag".   

[JollyJazz]

Thanks Honey_B and Blueberry Pancakes,

Thanks for those good thoughts 😊
I'm so glad you like the post! Lots of good ideas from everyone!!! 😊

[JollyJazz]

Another red flag, criticising and disrespecting you when you make choices that are different to what they'd do, different diet, career, different hobbies etc.

Green flag, respecting and appreciating difference, liking you as you are, not trying to mould you to their own preferences!