making friends

[Jolie40]

throughout life, usually have had one good friend at a time

most recent friend/neighbor who was so easy to talk with got sick & passed away
we'd see each other outside & end up talking an hour every time!
that was about 3 yrs ago & haven't found a new friend since

however, part of me is ok with no friends for now with raising a child




remember back in 7th grade I had a friend that I ate lunch with everyday
we laughed our whole way though that year
my last friend was like that ...we'd be standing in the grass just cracking up about anything/everything!

why as we get older is it more difficult to find & make friends?
maybe I'm looking for another friend who I can laugh with again.....
and that person is rare & hard to find

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow what a gift to have such a neighbor! I'm really sorry for your loss.

I think we all need friends. As you know even just one is life-changing. But it's one of those mysterious things that you just can't force. I read the section on friendship in "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis and I really recommend it, even for those who are not religious.

[Jolie40]

thanks @Call Me Cordelia!

next time I order books from our "To Go" library, I'll request "The Four Loves" but first we need to get through all the books & movies we have checked out

we have "The Secret Garden" and "the Great Gilly Hopkins" checked out to watch as a family over next couple weekends



agree with you that one can't force friendships.....

most of my friends in adulthood have been much older or at least 7 yrs-10 yrs younger
I don't click with people my age for some reason

[Jolie40]

I read the section on friendship in "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis and I really recommend it, even for those who are not religious.

finally made time to read chapter this past week!

found this interesting:

"I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow  of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary...."

[Jolie40]

so after reading above, I feel relieved of the need to find/make a new friend

if one comes into my life, so be it
if not, happy for the memories of the friends that I have had




the "mom" friend I mentioned in "over 60" thread is much older than me & sadly losing memory
it's difficult to converse by phone anymore
however, do have many good memories of times we shared

[Jolie40]

"I have no duty to be anyone's Friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow  of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary...."


@Call Me Cordelia

when you read the friendship chapter, did the above ^ strike you?

it did strike me & found it interesting that friendship is unnecessary

[Andeza]

Oh finally validation. I feel suddenly a bit better about my current friendships. One close one casual. I don't make friends easily, nor do I have any sort of longing for them. No one really seems to know how to respond to that beyond telling me I should go out and make some. But... I feel no need. Hmm. Feels good, thank you for sharing!

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's been a long time since I read that book, and that particular quote is not one I remember. As I recall, though, friendship was considered the highest love by the Greeks because it was most purely a gift, not based on any sort of need or drive (like with eros).

[JustKeepTrying]

I've often that my best friends are the ones where if time passes, and we meet again, it's like it never passed.  I have a few friends like that - years zip by and we get together and it seems like we just pick up where we left off. 

And there are others that at times I feel I have to tred carefully and measure my words - friends but not close.

Yet with the divorce, my friends showed up.  When I was seriously sick, they showed up.  A handful of good and loyal friends that I believe deeply care.  Yet, I don't feel the need to call them daily.  I tend the relationship but not obsess.

I also since the divorce feel the need for as many friends.  I find companionship where it is and take it for what it is.   I'm comfortable with my own company.  It's taken a lot of work to get here and I cherish it.

But with this pandemic, I do miss a girls night out!

[Jolie40]

making friends thread......progress

walking around neighborhood more now that temps are cooler

talked with 5 neighbors this week (at a safe distance)
it felt good chatting & putting myself out there

two just sold their homes & are moving
I'll try to get acquainted with new neighbors once they move in & settle

[BefuddledClarity]

That's really cool that you had a great connection with you neighbour! Also, sorry for your loss...It sounds like you're a very fun and positive person to be around.

Right now...I don't really have a close friend. I have a few coworkers I like and have spent time together outside work by eating out but I don't really confide about my life.

I used to miss the deep connections I've had with some people,but I've been moving around a lot and have been in different stages of my life. I also...Got tired of getting hurt after having these deep connections as cliché as that may sound...


Sometimes, friends only last for certain chapters of your life before you move on to the next chapter and that's OK.

I'm also OK with not having friends. I'm an introvert type, I get drained easily after being around people for two long and need time to energize my social battery again. I can make friends easy, I'm just terrible at keeping them due to this reason. I also shy away nowadays when people want to know about my personal life...I run away and feel shame about my life. Probably not a healthy thing to do...but I still do it and need to learn how to deal with it.

[Boat Babe]

It's been a long time since I read that book, and that particular quote is not one I remember. As I recall, though, friendship was considered the highest love by the Greeks because it was most purely a gift, not based on any sort of need or drive (like with eros).

That's my take on friendship.

It's obviously deeply personal and individual.

[Jolie40]

I'm also OK with not having friends. I'm an introvert type

thanks for your reply

husband & I are both introverts
early in marriage we were friends with a neighbor couple but they moved away
there was one other couple we did stuff with & they moved, too

we have no couple friends now
I wonder what we will do when our kid graduates from HS cause we have no people to invite to a party!
this is terrible, isn't it?

[tragedy or hope]

Wow. I am so comforted by this thread. I have gained and lost acquantances. Friends are lifelong but do not live near me and we do not spend time on the phone. Occasional letters or msgs.

I have been longing for a friend or two to trust b/c living with unpdh is so difficult at times.. I feel I need a life of my own and people who converse normally. Once in awhile I would like to pick up the phone not as wife or mom, but just me.

So right. Friendship cannot be forced. I have never lived in a place where people are so different about relationships. In south it seems clanish aka family first. Big families, well established who enjoy one another and don't need "outsiders." The outsiders who are also new here are cliquish in their own way...

I trust God with this. Agreed with C.S. Lewis, but sometimes I envy other women who have built in friendship with their daughters. I am a daughterless mother and though my sons would do anything for me and we have good relationships... there's nothing like another woman who just "gets you."

Unpdh works hard to get people in his circle. Brags to me about having friends. Loves to torment me that I have no friends. Untrue, I just don't have a circle of flying monkeys that I control. The difference; I choose friends, I do not troll for them like him. I try to ignore his criticisms. I am also an "empath." Too many people in my life is a terrible stress to me and I don't enjoy it.

Thank you for your candor. It helps me.

[Jolie40]

I feel I need a life of my own and people who converse normally. Once in awhile I would like to pick up the phone not as wife or mom, but just me.

totally get this as we're often so defined by our roles




saw this today:
https://www.aol.com/oprah-winfrey-admits-not-having-221637884.html

"So, I don't have a lot of friends. Everybody knows Gayle [King]. There's Gayle, there's Maria, there's Bob [Greene]. And that's, that's about it,"

[Sidney37]

Thank you for posting this.  Making friends at this point in my life has been a struggle.  I'm sure that the PD parents issue and the cPTSD hasn't helped the situation either. I've decided that being alone is better than having PD friends so I've slowly decreased contact during Covid.  Then I keep reading about how much in-person social support is necessary for health reasons and then I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

The key is SUPPORT. If your "support system" is causing autoimmune disease, as in my case, it isn't meeting its purpose. It's so hard because it's so normal to be connected with family and friends, it seems like a no-brainer that it's important to have connections and if. And it is. And if you don't have them, it appears the problem is you. But like everything else in PD-land, "normal" gets twisted into something completely toxic. I did find I needed to be alone for a time, work on me, let more superficial connections fall away, and then me, my husband, and kids moved somewhere good for us and simply started all over.

[Sidney37]

Thank you Cordelia.  I didn't think of it that way.  Seeing the main 2, very likely PD women that I know here, does add to my stress.  So while they listen, occasionally go out to lunch, etc. I'm on edge wondering how my words will be twisted and repeated.  I trade the lunch, listening, introducing me to others who might be nice, for stress and gossip.

[JustKeepTrying]

I had something nice happen to me this week. I'm out here camping by myself and I sat down on a bench overlooking the ocean. A few minutes later an older woman sat down and we had a few minutes of small talk. That small talk slowly grew and we ended up chatting for two hours. I discovered she was the camping spot over. Long and short, we met daily for a few hours at a time and laughed through the time. We exchanged contact info and I know I made a lifelong friend

The difference was within myself. Early in the convo I was guarded but authentic. I felt very controlled in what I shared but what I did share was true and real. It was a beautiful thing to feel the freedom to connect with another person like I did long before I met my ex.   I did have moments of anxiety where I wondered did I share too much too fast or get involved with a weirdo. But the cool thing was when I was tired or needed to step back and recoup, she was great with it and didn't even question it. And I sat with each moment and really allowed myself to read my own emotion.

I find it so incredible that after everything, I can and will find real friendship with no disordered people out there.  Whew

[Jolie40]

We exchanged contact info and I know I made a lifelong friend

that is fantastic JustKeepTrying!